To expect more from marriage? Or is this how married like is?

Give relationship counselling a go (obviously with due attention paid to the challenges of being a first time parent). If he categorically refuses to engage then you have your answer.

OP first hats off to you because I would find being a SAHM really difficult. It sounds like you do loads for your kid and are a great mum. It also sounds like you are doing nothing wrong in the house maintenance department - I think it's totally unreasonable to criticise someone who is looking after a kid for not having all toys put away all the time or to generally expect a mess-free environment. Sure, maybe you could do things more efficiently at times, as could we all, but I'd argue you shouldn't need to - a home is there to be lived in and played in and isn't a show home.

I am curious about a couple of things. First, I wonder whether your DH resents having to work for his contribution to bills whilst you pay yours from family money. It would be entirely unreasonable for him to resent this from a logical point of view - being a SAHM is of course work as others have rightly pointed out on this thread. But I suppose the reality is that your work is generally deepening your relationship with your child whereas his might not feel so fulfilling to him. Depending on what he does, I assume he's facing a world of performance management and targets and bosses - a world you don't have to deal with. And whilst if he were the sole provider, he could at least console himself with feeling good about that, the fact that he is working for the same amount of money that you get without working directly for it might feel strange. I really don't mean to suggest he would be right to resent you but of course emotions are not logic and I just wonder if there's something going on here for him that explains why he's insecure about his relationship with your kid and grumpy in general. If I were in your DH's shoes I think that, however unfairly, I would find the situation quite hard - especially if I had to do a job that was anything less than one I loved in order to match the family contributions of a partner who openly admits to having hated paid work when they tried it and who has the power to opt out of it without financial detriment.

From his criticisms of you, it sounds like he feels in some way entitled to act like YOUR boss - to performance-manage YOU. I hate it when parents going out to work feel entitled to do this to SAHMs - it isn't fair. But when people feel unhappy or resentful, this tends to come out in unfair ways.

I don't have an answer in terms of what you should do about it. But to answer your pringle question, yes, you should be expecting far more from a good marriage than this.

Oh yes, @BMW6 has it with few words: “this is when you decide to work together to improve your relationship or split.”

As @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne says, they just shared. That’s the obvious way that it should be. That’s what we did with our family, two daughters. Unfortunately today so many men think they’re entitled to carry on as single men do; brainless shits that they are.

Speaking from family experience, talking/counselling may help or it may not. They quite often deride a female counsellor. We all know why…

She says she doesn’t work

He's probably resentful because you don't work

Also, if you do work, you're mentally more occupied

To be honest that doesn’t sound great. Is he actually a nice person? Because your daughters reaction to him is quite extreme. Presuming he is, it sounds like he would benefit from a parenting course. He’s either not a nice person or just completely incompetent at parenting - or he just can’t be arsed? Regardless, being unable to leave them together peacefully for an hour or two is ridiculous.

“From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’.”

Sounds like he’s lazy to me. If one side of a partnership has more free time than the other things are never going run smoothly.

YANBU. Maybe you rushed into marriage and children, but you can't change history. I also vote for relationship counselling. You two clearly have different expectations of life, especially life with small children which is hard and boring.
Do you have very different backgrounds? DH and I have very little in common on a surface level, but our values and expectations are very similar, which has helped us through rough bits of the last 25 years together. But you are in trouble if communication is failing.

How do you respond when this happens? Do you rush in to fix things, or keep out of it until he’s worked out his way of parenting? Also, did he have any experience of babies and young children before you had your own? Was his own dad a decent role model, taking charge of your Dh and any siblings?
We all learn how to parent by observing, taking part and practice making perfect. Maybe he feels undermined, or useless, lacking in confidence, and ideally this could be a calm conversation between you both. It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t care but more like he’s clueless.
I’d suggest you leaving them to work this out, getting out of the house and not taking any video calls when he’s in charge. Also let go of past resentment about night times when your DD was a baby especially you were breast feeding, as it doesn’t help the here and now.

It sounds like he doesn't have much understanding of young kids and his expectations of her are really skewed. Would he be open to learning more about what's developmentally normal for kids her age? There are soooo many insta pages focused on parenting advice and child psychology... I know it's overhwhelming but there are some good ones.

Maggie Dent is meant to be good and she has a podcast called 'The Good Enough Dad'.

I guess it comes to down to how willing he is to take responsibility for their relationship and stop blaming you for things being difficult. If he won't engage with professional help he should at least make the most of other resources. There is a lot out there and some it is for dads specifically.

Sorry your thread has been so derailed!

What is OP expecting of her husband that is so unreasonable? Participate more in family life, be a better dad and be a good husband who can communicate? Really, REALLY unreasonable 🙄

Why does it matter?

Do you have to work 60 hours a week, do all the school runs, shopping, cleaning, after schools clubs, cooking, holiday planning, social planning, every bedtime, every bathtime while keeping the house spotless and having a fabulous relationship before you get to call yourself a mum these days?

OP contributes financially and is financially independent. Both of those are vital MN mum-virtue criteria so what’s your problem?

Yet here you still are, hurling insults.

I think you’ve fallen into traditional roles in the marriage, probably without realising. He expects you to do all the work at home, while he goes out and works. Nothing wrong with that. But now you are expecting him to do more and he’s resisting. He’s probably thinking ‘why should I do more?’
i think you might need some couples counselling to resolve this. I also wonder if you’re struggling with finding a purposeful life outside of being a mum

Checked out of the thread when I realised she said “I just don’t need to work a job I hate” completely humble brag post.

Checked out of the thread when I realised she said “I just don’t need to work a job I hate” completely humble brag post.

This. You have a cleaner come for six hours a week. What on earth do you do all day.

Life’s too short to live with a misery.

So the marriage isn’t really working but you don’t want to divorce him as he’ll have to look after the child every other weekend?

Maybe hire a hit man?

Classic

So much derailing about WOHM, finances, independent wealth etc. People have different lives, that’s just the way it is.

My situation is almost exactly the same as yours OP, except I did work before my first was born, and I loved it. I was earning a multiple of my DH and I gave it up overnight because maternity leave in my country is pitiful and I couldn’t leave my tiny baby. We also benefit from my family’s wealth now that I’m not earning, and haven’t been for a long time now. I also know exactly what you mean about having help in the house!

I also differ from you in that the feelings I had for my DH before we married have grown, and new wonderful ones have also grown since he became a dad. He is my life partner in everything. I love and adore him, I have so much respect and admiration for him, he just gets funnier and more handsome (to me) the older he gets. I often tell him that I hit the jackpot when I met him, and I mean it. He works hard for our family, I work hard to make that work he does for us as easy as possible.

From what you’ve written, I think you have been quite self-centered. You have everything you wanted from life, except for a DH of your liking. In a loving relationship, you should be asking him what you can do to help him (as he should you), how you can help him forge a better relationship with DD and a closer family life. You have time. You have money. There’s no reason why you can’t do the leg work of building a team/partnership seeing as you’re not working. One toddler doesn’t preclude everything else in life.

The fact you’ve actually thought about custody arrangements in the event of a split, and concluded that you’re staying because YOU can’t do without your DD and he’d be spiteful anyway….I mean, that’s not thinking of anyone apart from yourself. Not your DD. Not him. Just what you want from your life. I can’t help but wonder whether your money is giving you independence in the wrong way. It’s there to make a happy life easier, to relieve the burdens so many people have no choice but to suffer. The priority remains strong bonds and ties with family and friends, a solid home, good values and service/help to those who don’t have your good fortune. It isn’t to ensure you get everything you want at whatever cost.

With a nanny you wouldn’t have to be in the house at the same time if you don’t want to see them. As another PP said your money means you have the luxury of so many options should you try to stay and fix things or leave.

Do you do anything for yourself OP? I know you don’t want to work, but any sort of activities/classes/seeing friends on your own? Like a PP said, is an au pair or part time nanny not a possibility?

My son tends to ‘prefer’ me as I wfh. I encourage DH and him to spend time together away from me. DS is 9 now so it’s easier.

He needs to be left with the daughter - OP does sound possessive over her - sort of understandable as they are always together. He might be useless but he needs to try and OP needs to let him. Even talking about separation OP says he will
ask for 50/50 out of spite. That isn’t a natural reaction