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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long do you attend family events for?

34 replies

OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 08:50

We went to a family event that was 4 hours, lots of people. We enjoyed the event, helped serve, chatted to guests etc. We stayed back to help clear up load the cars etc. Then said our goodbyes. My FIL was hurt we weren't going over to theirs. He asked me (3 times) and I said no - it's been a long day. He then asked my husband (twice).

I'm new to setting boundaries and I understand that I get to set them but don't get to choose how the other person feels about them. But I find it really hard...keep seeing the hurt/angry look on his face in my mind.

My question is...AIBU to have wanted to go home after 5 hours there? (The journey is an hour also there and back again).
I just wanted to be in my own space to unwind. If we'd gone over we'd have had to stay for long enough for DC to have dinner which felt like the day was stretching too far, or literally go in for 10 mins and go home which seemed a bit pointless.

The reason I feel AIBU is the complete lack of comprehension on FILs face and also some people did go over to theirs afterwards so it clearly didn't feel like a long day to everyone.

(I do feel like my FIL was BU by asking more than once but that's not what this thread is about)

OP posts:
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EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/06/2025 11:44

His life is probably less time consuming than your life.
He needs to consider the difference.
Yanbu, enough is enough.

PauliesWalnuts · 08/06/2025 11:42

Two hours for me. I’m single and childless and just get talked over so I do the bare minimum and then tap out.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 11:40

didgeridid · 08/06/2025 10:03

Depends on the event and how much we like said family members 😂
But no, he's being unreasonable pestering for you to go there after a long day anyway

Edited

I like them! But generally 4-5 hrs is my limit with people even my best friends. It's not so much the company, although I am an introvert I can find time at family events to just start off into space, it's the "we've been sitting loads and I feel like I need to move"...if we all start moving to go for a walk or do the washing up I don't mind so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 11:39

Nextdoormat · 08/06/2025 10:05

Did you actually get to spend anytime just speaking with him? Or was it very full on everyone. I think it is lovely he wants to spend more time with you arrange to go next weekend?

No it was full on, but I sort of expected that we wouldn't get much time to catch up, but were serving together. I guess he hoped we would catch up later, whereas I'd have made a follow up visit to see them as you suggested.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 11:37

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 08/06/2025 10:20

It’s absolutely fine for you to say no and go home. It sounds like a long day and going back to FILs house would have been much longer than a cup of tea!

FIL has forgotten how tiring it is to drive small children to an event and then have to get them all back into their routine when you get home. No doubt you’re working and want some time to relax after the week you’ve had and prepare for the week ahead. Nothing worse than going into a new week on the back foot!

You did nothing wrong and personally I wouldn’t make up reasons to leave. I’d simply say, we’ve had a lovely day, we’re leaving now as we have a long drive home and need to get the kids to bed. Big hug. Leave.

Yeh I think this is the thing. Had we gone over it would have been at least an hour, probably 2, and then driving home and trying to wind DC down and get them to bed would have felt too much.

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 08/06/2025 10:20

It’s absolutely fine for you to say no and go home. It sounds like a long day and going back to FILs house would have been much longer than a cup of tea!

FIL has forgotten how tiring it is to drive small children to an event and then have to get them all back into their routine when you get home. No doubt you’re working and want some time to relax after the week you’ve had and prepare for the week ahead. Nothing worse than going into a new week on the back foot!

You did nothing wrong and personally I wouldn’t make up reasons to leave. I’d simply say, we’ve had a lovely day, we’re leaving now as we have a long drive home and need to get the kids to bed. Big hug. Leave.

Nextdoormat · 08/06/2025 10:05

Did you actually get to spend anytime just speaking with him? Or was it very full on everyone. I think it is lovely he wants to spend more time with you arrange to go next weekend?

didgeridid · 08/06/2025 10:03

Depends on the event and how much we like said family members 😂
But no, he's being unreasonable pestering for you to go there after a long day anyway

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 10:01

BlueMum16 · 08/06/2025 09:17

You were fine to go them. What does your DH think?

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He would have gone out of duty/expectations but was glad we didn't because he already had a headache and felt dehydrated and wanted to be in his own space.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:59

CocoSpaniel · 08/06/2025 09:31

It seems his (and possibly other people's?) vision of the event included the core family gathering afterwards at his house. So from his point of view you left early, before it was finished.

Meanwhile from your point of view he was trying to extend something that had already finished.

I'm not saying he was right to ask you so many times, but I'm not sure you were actually right to go home before what could not unreasonably be seen as the real end. The cup of tea at home afterwards when everyone gets to relax a bit more is sometimes one of the best bits of an event like that. It would have been better to give specific reasons, at least.

I think if this was a regular event then it would make more sense to see this as an example of essential boundary setting, although even then I think it would be better to give specific reasons for having to get back.

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Ah yes I can see what you mean !

OP posts:
NeonUnicorn · 08/06/2025 09:54

pizzaHeart · 08/06/2025 09:11

You should have put it in your post as I guess it’s cultural.

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Not necessarily cultural. My in laws can be a bit like this and we're Scottish! It doesn't seem to matter how long we stay, there is always a sense of disappointment when we leave and I'm always left feeling a bit guilty.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/06/2025 09:41

No one is right or wrong about this, and you feel what you feel, as does FiL.
Going forwards, I think it would be good to clarify expectations in advance, "Oh yes, we'd love to come to x event, what time shall we arrive? We'd need to leave by x time ." And this should come from his son, not you.

CocoSpaniel · 08/06/2025 09:31

OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 08:55

No he had his own car. As far as I could tell he just wanted the core family to gather post-event for a cup of tea, whereas in my mind we'd all just seen each other for several hours, albeit with extended family there.

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It seems his (and possibly other people's?) vision of the event included the core family gathering afterwards at his house. So from his point of view you left early, before it was finished.

Meanwhile from your point of view he was trying to extend something that had already finished.

I'm not saying he was right to ask you so many times, but I'm not sure you were actually right to go home before what could not unreasonably be seen as the real end. The cup of tea at home afterwards when everyone gets to relax a bit more is sometimes one of the best bits of an event like that. It would have been better to give specific reasons, at least.

I think if this was a regular event then it would make more sense to see this as an example of essential boundary setting, although even then I think it would be better to give specific reasons for having to get back.

Needlenardlenoo · 08/06/2025 09:29

My mum and gran were like this (no we're not Indian...)

We'd go for lunch and have to stay till 9 or 10pm and then drive an hour home. Or DGran would be offended.

My generation has broken the cycle!

BlueMum16 · 08/06/2025 09:17

OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:09

Wife is very much alive and it wasn't a funeral :)

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You were fine to go them. What does your DH think?

itsgettingweird · 08/06/2025 09:17

I have a large family.

some people (me included!) would be done after the 5 hours.

Some would go back and do 9-10 hours with each other.

No one is right or wrong, reasonable or unreasonable.

But your FIL was BU to keep asking.

Tagyoureit · 08/06/2025 09:14

Meh, maybe he misses his son and grandkids and you. Maybe he just wants to see you more. Maybe because it was a big family event, he felt like he hadn't spent enough time with you. Maybe he's lonely.

Sometimes, people miss people and there's no underhand reason other than just wanting to spend more time with family.

Seeing as you were there, close by, I see no issue with him asking. Him asking so many times would worry me. I would call to ensure he's alright.

pizzaHeart · 08/06/2025 09:11

OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:10

Yes
🤣

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You should have put it in your post as I guess it’s cultural.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:10

lilproblem · 08/06/2025 09:09

Are you Indian?

Yes
🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:10

Wonderwall23 · 08/06/2025 09:07

I would definitely feel like you and think that the event is enough and I would struggle with this so I don't think you are unreasonable.

My MIL and FIL are a bit like this in terms of asking things multiple times, however they are local, have each other and we see them a lot. If he's on his own and you don't see him often then I'm a little bit more on the fence. I can imagine if it was my Mum in this situation I would have seen her home tbh.

His wife is alive, his siblings and mum live near him. We don't live near but did try to visit and have them over as much as possible (probably not nearly enough though).

OP posts:
lilproblem · 08/06/2025 09:09

Are you Indian?

pizzaHeart · 08/06/2025 09:09

RosesAndHellebores · 08/06/2025 08:57

No you weren't unreasonable but it's one of those situations where you have to say no, we'd love to but:

The DC need to do their homework
My friend Jane is popping round at 6 to help with x.
We need to cut the grass/get ready for next week and this is the only time we have available.
I need to get a report finished for work before Monday and this is the only slot I have to do.

We would have loved to come and hope to another time.

Absolutely this ^
I wonder if FIL hasn’t got much to do so a bit bored.
It’s also about personalities - my sister’s in laws often stay at hers after a family event, they love it. I would rather get a taxi home and sleep in my own bed.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 08/06/2025 09:09

BlueMum16 · 08/06/2025 09:03

If it was his wife's funeral then he probably didn't want to go home alone and then you should have gone and had dinner with him.

If it was another type of event then you are not U.

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Wife is very much alive and it wasn't a funeral :)

OP posts:
Wonderwall23 · 08/06/2025 09:07

I would definitely feel like you and think that the event is enough and I would struggle with this so I don't think you are unreasonable.

My MIL and FIL are a bit like this in terms of asking things multiple times, however they are local, have each other and we see them a lot. If he's on his own and you don't see him often then I'm a little bit more on the fence. I can imagine if it was my Mum in this situation I would have seen her home tbh.

Dweetfidilove · 08/06/2025 09:04

How long I stay depends on the vibes or who Im spending time with. I don't think you were unreasonable though.
Your FIL was though.