I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

She babysits once a month so they can have time together so she already has a regular slot.

I can see her point. While in your head you were doing something nice for your son 'because he works hard' you kind of put more rather than less pressure on her. The fact that she told you this is good - it sounds like she feels a bit undervalued and pressured at the mo. You can really do something to help this - in your shoes you could set a regular babysitting slot and give them the space to talk things through and get out of the house together for a bit.

It sounds like you've resolved this very amicably. I think you're right, it's great she could speak to you about it.
You meant well, but you got it wrong, but you've acknowledged that and are making it right in the future. It all sounds very healthy to me.

That’s exactly what she did.

I think it's something that's very difficult to cope with the fact that you don't get to spend much time one on one with your own child after they get married and have a baby but it's just a sad fact! I think you should have bought them both tickets and minded the baby. It can be a bit of a minefield but you loaded more work onto her by giving him a treat and that isn't really fair.

I suspect the issue is your DS works very hard in his job, but does not pull his weight at home so DIL resented his "reward" - not specifically you. If it was me I'd talk with DS about what he does at home. I've been SAHM and FT employed on different occasions - SAHM was harder and my DH was excellent.

Just gone back and read all the OPs posts and there is a flavour of adapting and almost programming. I am getting a whiff of ChatGPT style in the responses, especially the repetition then pivot.

It's an interesting subject in general but I am having doubts about the humanity aspect of the OP.

Gosh, what a wonderful world we now live in trying to differentiate between the real and the engineered.

Might just retire under my duvet until it's confirmed Skynet is live and has been for linger than we might realise 😆

Your son is at fault here. He said it was okay. Your dil should have said how she felt to him and they should have sorted it out between them.

People are right that it's sexist. If a man had offered to take your son out, no one would have batted an eyelid.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
You've a good honest relationship with DIL.
You got the tail end of the storm.
They are lucky to have you in their life.

Yes you’ve been thoughtless. You decided to give your son a treat but your DIL could just crack on. It’s a bit cringe tbh.
That said she spoke up and you listened so I think it will all work out.

Yes I remember the other thread
That Op gave her son a money gift
Working hard, needs a treat

DIL was unhappy it wasn't joint.

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all! I think if your DIL was upset at being left to look after their child while her husband went out then she should be talking to him about that. Before he accepted your offer he should also have checked with his wife that she was ok not getting a break that day.
I can completely understand that your DIL needs a break - I was a SAHM for years with no family living near by - but you should be able to spend time with your son still, especially given you provide regular babysitting for them too.

It wasn’t about ‘good fathering’ it was about him struggling with things.

People struggle and their mental health is impacted and that doesn’t need to be put into a sliding scale. I do a majority of childcare and a majority of house things and life admin. My DH has a very stressful job and some days he is absolutely broken. We support each other, it shouldn’t be a oneupmanship. If OP sees her son is really down and wants to take him out to cheer him up then she doesn’t have to defend that. She admits she didn’t recognise that DIL was struggling and if DIL has a problem with her husband she needs to sort that out with him. OP already babysits at least once a month. Wanting to spend an afternoon with her son isn’t out of order, it’s a mother wanting to spend some time with her son.

Yes, we do what's best in our situations, don't want you to feel bad about it at all. Yes I do know what you mean, I'm just showing solidarity 😁

Ah, less freedom - youngest is in a sport which we are abroad for during school term, I am basically my kids PA at this point, weeks are busy filled to brim. No family, partner works back home and can't be here too much due to work not allowing it (plus tax would be in both countries if he overstayed x amount of time) but we manage. So I'm back to solo busy type but it's just life! All my family back in uk too so no help really. They love it here though and I'm blessed my partner also supports my children like this!

I see my job as a grandmother to support our son and DIL as their own family unit. Our son’s relationship with his wife and their child takes priority over our relationship with him. To us their family unit comes before the bigger family unit. I wouldn’t dream of arranging something that took our son away and left our DIL at home with the children. It would feel exclusionary. I wouldn’t dream have babysat and given son and DIL the tickets.

Lots of posters don't appear to have read the OP's last 2 posts.

She morphed into a different person overnight.

Neither person relates to the thread title.

I agree with the above poster that you are criticising yourself too much (and this is me speaking as a daughter in law). Realistically what day could you have chosen that wouldn't impact on their family life? This would happen whether it's a weekend or a weekday. And I thought you took him out because he was stressed at work and not because he is a good father (but i mightbe wrong there)? I mean it would be great to treat her too, but ultimately he is your child and she has her own parents who could treat her too.

Absolutely this.

I'm baffled the OP didn't think that through at all.

As you DIL has raised it I feel it's more around her DH not being available rather than you treating him.

How hands on is he when he's not in work? Does he put DC to bed? Do bath time? Do mornings? Or is he working so doesn't feel the need to do anything M-F?

How long were you taking him out for? A couple of hours or all day?

It sounds like she was support and maybe he's not giving it.

I hate how work outside of the home is down played as if people are just walking into work and putting their feet up for 12 hours! There are also many jobs where you don't 'clock off' mentally. If the OP's son is working outside of the home and sharing the load when he's around at home, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with him having some time out.

It’s the fact that she spoke up at all to the OP that prompted my comment about having a lot to say.

However, no good deed goes unpunished, as the saying goes.

She should be mad at her husband not you Op. you’re not the one in a relationship with her.

that said you can spend time with your son without her being there, it is allowed .

It’s also very similar wording to one from a while ago. The insistence on taking the son out as a reward for good fathering rather than just “catching up with son doing something we both enjoy”

2-4 hours is a typo - Hahaa 2-3 hours was the max, only on the weekends when dh would take him in the morning.

You mean ‘my personal experience of one 6 month old baby tells me they are easy peasy’. My first was ebf, refused bottles, refused food at that age, (obviously I was continuously offering and cleaning up) and also barely slept, including overnight, at 8-9 months they started staying asleep for 4-5h overnight and before that I just never got more than an hour and a half in one lot except weekends when dh would let me sleep in and get a whole 2-4 hour block from 5-8am, so you tell me how hard it was? You don’t know what kind of baby the dil has.