I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

No it doesn't in the slightest - only a narcissist would read her mil treating her dp to an occasional day out in this way.

“Take him places” he isn’t a child. And it’s the fact she didn’t care about her DIL’s stress inking taking her son out during their LIMITED time together as husband and wife and bonding with his young child. This wasn’t the time to do it. When a family has a young child asking for alone time when they don’t have much time together because their family unit comes first is a bit out of bounds when his hours die down and he has more free time or the baby is a bit older sure. Not sure why she couldn’t treat the two of them as I’m sure it would have been a nice family outing and a chance for them both to get a reprieve

Why do you think she would only be bothered if her MIL overlooked her contributions but not her FIL? Interesting take

I can see it both sides. But my MIL gave two tickets to London Olympics (we then lived close to the site). I couldn’t go because it would have involved a sitter from 12 to 11.30pm and I couldn’t find anyone, and my MIL was free, but evasive. My husband took a friend. That was exactly what my MIL intended - a pass-agg way of telling me she really didn’t like me, and lots of smaller incidents confirmed it. So maybe your daughter-in-law has interpreted it in the same way?

once your son marries your DIL is family too so you wouldn’t care about her feelings? Or that she felt comfortable enough to reach out to you instead of burying her resentment deep down inside and letting it fester and then taking it out on you later on in passive aggressive ways. Her nice thing for her son cut into his very limited time spending it with his wife and very young child right now that’s where his priorities need to be especially given she is dojng the brunt of childcare which OP seems to completely overlook. It’s sad that there are so many MILs on here who would completely disregard their DIL’s feelings and everything they do for their family in favor of their sons. How would you reply if this was your DIL?

Agree. I'm surprised at the voting on this thread. I think DIL is playing the victim.

Seems to me between two sets of grandparents she's doing okay. Lots of mums don't have help from either set of grandparents for various reasons. I had to manage if we wanted to go out together we had to pay a sitter every time. I'd have loved a family network of support but it wasn't possible.

very true!

Ugh. You’re such an awful person. Honestly, you’re the worst type of woman out there.

it’s the classic thing of men, who usually do less (but even if not, rarely do more) constantly being told they’re such great fathers etc. when they’re just doing the basics and the mothers efforts are overlooked.

I honestly can’t believe you left your DIL for another day of solo-parenting to treat your son for “being such a great dad” or whatever sexist bullshit.

pull your head out your arse.

She literally said she wanted to reward him for everything he does for his family. If she'd have just said she wanted to spend time with her son, I think the response of many people would be different. We're just going off what she saud in her op.

Why should she? Dil has parents. Was it to show appreciation anyway or just to spend some time hanging out with him?

I was going to say the same. Very weird, like it’s the DIL justifying herself by pretending to be the MIL and how sorry she is… .

She might have a point if OP were constantly taking her DS out for treats because he is “such a great husband and father” and leaving her to look after the DC but a one off occasion when he has been having a stressful time at work?!!

Unless there is some backstory, I think she is being unreasonable. Especially if she thinks OP should have babysat instead so they could go out as a couple instead. OP already does that regularly. She gives them lots of support. Why shouldn’t she see her DS separately or treat him once in a while? Surely the DIL does things alone with her parents sometimes and they treat her? They are still individuals 🤷‍♀️

Unless OP hasn’t told the whole story and this is just the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

Most responses are bullshit. A mother can take her son out whenever she bloody well wants to. And if it’s about the wife needing a break that’s on him to arrange maybe the next day or whatever. Christ alive it’s so sad a mother can’t treat her son without backlash

But she did something for her son to show appreciation but nothing for her DIL.

Because she didn't.

She wanted to take out her son because he's been stressed with work.

For some reason, dozens of posters on this thread have assumed he does fuck all at home. I don't know why.

If you go on about taking your son out ‘for his hard work & role in the family’ that’s really annoying & would severely piss me off. I guarantee your husband doesn’t ‘work’ as much as dil if she’s doing all the house stuff & caring for the dc. It’s already a thankless job so seeing my husband swanning off for a treat at the weekend would push a new mum over the edge!

it’s great that you acknowledge how you could have done it better. Please don’t tout treats as rewards for working for family & agree you don’t need to pay for anything but supporting their family with babysitting to allow them
te to connect as a couple will be the best thing you can do for their relationship & yours.

your son should have addressed & rectified this though. It’s a shame he hasn’t acknowledge & talked to you about this instead of his wife having to bring it up

I think it is lovely that you took your grandson out, and for sure you should be able to treat your grandchildren and build a loving relationship with them. I am sure he will remember this outing as a core memory and that is wonderful. It's only that it got framed as helping out your son. I'm sure it did but it understandably left your DIL feeling unseen and undervalued. Sounds like you are a very empathetic person, so I am sure this can be easily repaired. However, remember that not all your babysitting needs to be to place the parents first and foremost, you can also do things because they are positive for you and the grandchildren.

I actually don't think you got it wrong. You did a kind thing as a mother. Maybe not as a MIL, but seemingly not intentional. Where is DILs mother?

I do think it's time to take DIL out, maybe step up the babysitting but work with DIL on it so there could be a date, me time... ask what she needs. Apologise. You did a nice thing but she will need a break too.

You sound lovely, conscientious, caring and I think it's great you can discuss with your DIL. So many can't!

In the future, just ask your son to do stuff. Don't brand it as a reward for being a good parent.

Yes I suspect he does the bare minimum and his mummy dearest thought that’s too much and her son needs a break.

She did go into a lot of detail of how her DIL feels which rung alarm bells for me.

It was latent from the outset to me!

Yes it started overly positive and caring of her DIL for someone who thinks she’s done nothing wrong. She knew how to play Mumsnet.

I think she’s cheeky to even bring it up tbh, you’re allowed to do something with your son without this overreaction. I bet opinions would be different if her mum had treated her to a girly day. You already babysit once a month for them to have a date night and I’m sure she could ask you if she wanted an extra day to herself for a break. It’s nice that you’re close but she’s not your daughter and has her own mum. I think it’s really out of order she’s made you feel so guilty and it was your sons responsibility to make sure she was happy with the childcare arrangements on the day.

Ok devils advocate but this is on your son. If he wanted a date day he could of cancelled or rescheduled with you. Your not your daughter in laws mum they need to ask if they need help with childcare - continue to prioritise your son he might need it one day