I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

You have used language like “swooping in”, “date” and “role of the wife” to describe the DH’s mother taking him out for the day because he as experiencing work stress.

People don’t talk about men like that but we do talk about other women like that including unfortunately MIL.

If FIL said to his son he was taking him out for the day due to work stress no one would described it as a “date”, or say “how odd”.

DIL might talk to her husband about it but I can almost guarantee she wouldn’t take it up with her FIL. It’s the lucky MILs who get that.

If I told me FIL I had an issue with him talking his aok out for a match he’d have a great laugh at my expense.

And I bet the DS never thanks his wife for staying home with their child washing his mind about who is caring for their child and saving money on child care fees enabling him to work these extra hours. It’s women that are overlooked and taken for granted not men

Are you still with the father of your children @ForBusyZebra?

But the afternoon is during their very limited time her son has to bond with his wife and very young child and we know darn well MIL is aware of their family schedule so why pick the one day her DIL has support with her child at home and her son has time to bond with his child? That’s his first priority bc his wife is home alll day with the baby alll week and MIL wants to take her support away the one day she has it. Yeah I would be living if I was DIL. Also why doesn’t MIL realize that being with his wife and seeing his young daughter would cheer him up? Does she think her son would want to be away from his family during this limited time. When I was a young mom I would find it very telling and strange if during our limited time together he chose an afternoon with his mother over spending time with his child not even me but his young child bonding with her.

Why would no one bat an eyelid you think if a man offered to take him if the reason being given it’s for him being recognized and not his wife. Surely it would bother her too if his father recognized him and not her. Or is because women assume women support other women so another women taken her husband out throws a monkey wrench in the plan in her mind?

Read the ops posts. They get grandparents babysitting three weeks out of four.

Me too.

I did it for a year and like you say, there were harder days but also a lot of cafes, baby groups, play dates etc.

Then my DH took over when I went back to work.

If he'd have come to MN complaining that my Mum took me out for the day while he parented and my Mum wasn't recognising his SAH contribution to our family, he'd have had his arse handed to him 😆

I think work, for example a corporate job has some advantages, chats with colleagues etc that I missed when I wasn’t working. But at the end of the day it’s work not amusement park. You are accountable to others for your time.

When my baby was 6 months I had freedom I could go to coffee shops, baby cinema, lovely walks, I could stay in my PJs all day if I wanted. And I got to hang out with my baby, see all his milestones. It was a gorgeous time in my life. I understand there are situations like PN, additional needs, high needs baby, baby who never sleeps etc.
But minding your own average 6 month old is a happy time.

So the son can care for the baby another day and she can go out with her mum. Doesn't take 2 people to look after a 6 month old

No, it implies he's her son and she cares about him. Which she should.

I think there are a lot of SAHMs who think going to work is a jolly and a break from parenting.

It isn't. The same as working Mums are still 'full-time Mums' despite all the SAHM s claiming they're not.

And in this day and age, how can anyone claim to be surprised that having young kids isn't easy, let alone want praise, recognition and treats for the choices they made.

Seriously you would be furious if your dh went out for a day with one of his parents - I assume you never went out for the day with your parents either if you held your dh to that.

You have a child - the world and everyone in it has not started to revolve around you - both you and your husband should definitely take personal time with friends and family.

This - she took him out because of stress.

In most workplaces stress and the importance of mental health are increasingly being recognised.

It’s not about DIL and she shouldn’t have made it about her.

There is no “correct thing” as many posts on this thread indicate. If this had happened to me I’d have called my mum and arranged to spend the day with her. What’s sauce for the goose and all that.

I’ve had more than one child and was briefly a child minder, and one 6 month old baby is not usually hard work compared to a lot of things.

If my MIL had taken my DH out to give him a break when DC was a baby, I would have been furious. The correct thing is what your DIL suggested: You should have offered to take the baby to give them both a break. Your taking just your son out implies that he alone needs the break, and it left DIL in the situation of doing more childcare, when she feels that she doesn't ever get to step away from that duty, while DH gets adult time at the office.

I'm impressed, however, that your DIL feels comfortable voicing this directly to you.

I hardly ever comment on posts but this one resonated with me. I am a daughter and a Granny. I think you are absolutely wonderful taking your son out. You need that time sometimes to reconnect with your “baby” away from family life. You are obviously a very good Mum and MIL - the fact your DIL can talk to you speaks volumes. Keep doing what you are doing and be mindful of having family time too. People could learn a lot from you

HRTFT but this bit stood out to me- your DS said it’s fine.but the DiL being unhappy about it suggests that he didn’t consider his wife. I think maybe giving DS a nudge to be more cognisant about the fact that while his work finishes on a Friday night, the domestic work continues all the time. So if their household split is that she does this domestic work, when does she get any time off? Does he expect her just to be the default carer? My ex was like that, at weekends he just made his own plans (we worked the same hours, although my role required additional work outside of the workplace while his job ended when he came home) and assumed I would be there with dc. He never factored in time for me to do something for myself, or even to do my work prep, and I found that enraging and hurtful.

"No I think you misunderstood the reason I treated my son to this was to give him a reprieve from his bush job bc he’s been under a lot of work stress lately"

Direct quote from one of the OPs posts.

Then the DIL waded in saying she wasn't being recognised for all her hard work as a SAHM and she wanted a break too.

Which isn't the OPs responsibility to provide nor should she be made to feel like shit because she took her stressed son out to a sporting event.

DIL is in a really privileged position being a SAHM but is positioning herself as a victim or at least wanting recognition, praise and treats from her MIL!!

I'm sure if DILs parents do something for her because she's stressed as a new Mum, DP won't be going to her parents demanding he's recognised for the fact he works which allows the DIL to be a SAHM.

Also do you ever go out alone with her?

Why would she? Most DiLs have their own parents to go out alone with.

Having had a child this is s tad fucking dramatic- perhaps in the first few weeks post partum or with several v young dc or dc with v challenging needs this is warranted but the dil as a capable grown woman with a single 6mo child is fully capable of arranging her day to suit herself without the dh for a single day.

If it were me I could conceive of many lovely days that did not require my dh - she could even arrange her own dps to have the baby while she goes out herself.

see There is that word again. ENTITLED.
no one is entitled to anyone’s time. Does your DIL know your feel entitled to your son’s time? What if she was upset about it? Also do you ever go out alone with her?

She's not the DILs Mum.

It reminds me of that old rhyme:

A daughter is a daughter all her life
A son is a son until he takes a wife

By no means right across the board or all the time, but definitely a nugget of truth.

So you taking your adult son out as a one off treat means all that - wow

Assume the dil is expected to refuse any gifts from her parents also as she is a grown up.

Seriously some grips are required here.

What?! This is CRAZY! I heard it all. It’s isolating to expect that after having the baby alone for the majority of 5 days of the week that you would have your husband’s support during the very limited time he has on thr 6th and 7th day and that you aren’t home alone again doing all the child caring and not only that it’s her HUSBAND and her young baby’s FATHER. Of course she would expect that time to be spent bonding with his young child that is his immediate family and where his responsibility lies is with his child and wife. If he goes out on the weekend leaving his wife at home when does he have time to bond with his child and wife? And don’t tell me on the weekday evenings bc again if he is working they many hours I’m sure he is coming home later than usual prob having dinner showering and going to bed. Hell a baby that young may already be in bed by the time he gets home. So why is his mom getting his attention before his wife and child?