I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

I don't see why the MIL has to babysit at all quite frankly and it's not the DIL's shout as to who she takes out and spends time and money on either. This is an issue solely between the DIL and her DH. He had the right to refuse his mother or arrange a family day out for everyone. He chose not to. Anyway, as it stands it sounds like the DIL's got a bloody good deal with babysitting between the MIL and her own parents so I don't know what she's moaning about.

How many times are you going to repeat the same message?? They were always very kind to me I would be very very shocked if they didn’t like me. If they thought I was abusive to my husband they would have had chats with him about it or acted cold towards me. People can only hide their true feelings for so long. They treated me like they treated my husband as far as his parents and sibling. Equal gifts on the holidays, all the sorts. Texting me saying she loves me like a daughter (my MIL) trust me we are close

Yeah you just said it 'just happy that we made time to see them when we could be doing our own thing'.

Because they know you're a controlling abusive nightmare that makes it known they get to see their loved one with you there or not at all. And should be grateful.

Because 'doing our own thing' wouldn't mean doing anything your DP wants to, as he would want to see people without you, it would be doing YOUR thing.

Because you're a controlling abuser.

Dress it up all you like as abusers always do, but you've said you got to see other people and have relationships without your DP there.

Your DP wasn't allowed to spend time with anyone without you present and that his loved ones were made to feel grateful you'd let them see him and your DC as you could be 'doing your own thing'.

You're a manipulative and controlling abuser.

As someone who had no family around when I had 6 month olds, DIL seems a bit entitled. My parents lived 8+ hours away, MIL 3+ hours away. This DIL has weekly baby-sitting and seems like she could call on a variety of people who can pop over to help. Total luxury!

I have no problem with my DH spending time with his family and encourage it. When parents come to visit we usually do things with all of us but that’s because we see them infrequently.

I would be miffed at my MIL taking DH out to celebrate his wonderful providing, but I wouldn’t be surprised. If your DIL is never getting a break from mumming then that is an issue your DS has allowed to happen. yes he’s working, but it’s unfair of him to come home from work and do nothing (like my DH). If he’s doing stuff round the house, takes care of DGD so DIL can have a break and is contributing to the family things then DIL has got a bit of a nerve.

I’d expect to be able to spend time with just my DS when they’re married 🤷🏻‍♀️ (I’d also hand their arses to them if I found out they weren’t pulling their weight around the house but that’s another thread 😉).

Yeah, so you had plenty of time for seeing people and having relationships outside of 'your little family' while he was working to allow you to be at home having all that time with your loved ones.

But he wasn't allowed because YOU were supposed to be his priority and he was no longer a person in his own right, he was now 'a Dad' and having all of his time controlled by you emotionally manipulating him into thinking he'd be a terrible 'Dad' and a terrible person to want some time away from you and your DC because YOU decided it's all about your 'little family' and he doesn't matter anymore and him 'getting to go to work' means that's al the life and interactions he can expect outside of you and your 'little family'.

Poor bloke.

You sound terrible and he sounds like an abused spouse who doesn't even have an identity, let alone relationships that you're not constantly observing and controlling.

I think you are getting a bit of an unfair kicking here, because people are ignoring the fact that you have a relationship with your son, independent of his wife. It's lovely that you say you love her - and it's clear the two of you are pretty close - and I think you have been absolutely gracious in how you dealt with and took on board her comments.

But there should still be occasional time for you and your son to spend time together.

When my DD was little, I was the main breadwinner with a time consuming out of the house job (SLT in a big school). My then husband worked from home so picked up a lot more of the day to day parenting.

My mom and I still spent time together, and my husband raised no objection - he spent time with his mom too on other occasions.

I think the perfect solution might be if you had taken your son AND the baby out? Then DIL gets a break and a chance to chill, and you get morher-son time.

But I do think the parent-child relationship still needs and deserves nurturing right into adulthood. My mom might be a grandma now but she is still my mom. And even if my DD one day has a child, which I would love (I really want to be a very hands on granny if I am allowed to be!) my DD will still be my one and only child and the most precious thing to me in the world......

Does that all make sense?

So please don't feel you can never have days out with your own son any more. But maybe, where possible, bring the baby, so that DIL doesn't feel put upon - I do understand what she means in that sense (I think she was cheeky to suggest you should fund dates for them tho - ask you to babysit, yes, but i dont think she has the right to demand you pay for her to go to sporting events!)

A friend has an equal say in how a friendship is conducted. That’s why this kind of behaviour is abusive. It isolates the abused partner as their friends drop them one by one.

This is wild, life is about different relationships. For one relationship to be all consuming is really not safe. Why are you measuring them in this way?! What would you have done if your husband died? Or left you? You’d be screwed because you’d have no one and nothing.

It’s not safe.

My DH is out solo today with son DIL and grandchildren. I'm not stomping my foot.

But you’re just a friend who the hell is a friend to think they have enough of a say in how their friend conducts their marriage? Yes a wife/husband relationship trumps a friend everyday and twice on Sundays

I’m amazed the dil is communicating with you so well. We never see this on MN. I would love her. No silly games, just this is how I feel.

That’s projecting. How do you know how they were feeling? You don’t know our relationship with our families and friends. We were all close. My MIL, FIL, and SIL all embrace me as part of the family and were happy to have time with with me and their GD/niece. They knew our weekends were sacred so was just happy that we made time to see them when we could be doing our own thing. It would be odd if DH showed up solo to a family function alone

No, dangerous to not allow anyone in your family their own time, headspace, time with others, demanding they’re with their family all the time. It’s dangerous because it separates people and they reduce their support network. I’d be really annoyed if any time I wanted to see a friend they bought their partner and kids and we’d drift apart for sure. It’s dangerous and a classic abuse tactic to separate someone from their friends and family. To demand you and the kids are always there is weird. And yes, dangerous.

If it worked out well for you then that’s great, but I’d be extremely concerned if a friend had a partner who demand they went everywhere together and weren’t allowed to see friends or family without them. Massive - and very well known - red flag for abuse.

And ‘different strokes’ - how come that doesn’t apply to anyone you disagree with?

Different family dynamics work for different people. Different strokes for different folks and all that

That’s a change of tune!

Wouldn’t they say something if they had issue.

Absolutely!
Mirrors our experience - DH was a workaholic and surgeon/pilot genre. There were periods when he was overseas more than at home.

I had to get on with it and sometimes when he was away, it meant one less to look after. My mother was 100 miles away, MIL 240. No other family around but I made good friends and we helped each other out.

The difference is my husband was at work during those times. So he couldn’t go out with me. During the two days he was home yes since we had limited time together and inside and child was a priority (don’t know why this is so triggering) or really anyone else’s business how someone’s immediate family conducts their relationship. We have a GREAT relationship with my in laws and my family. We still saw them. You act like we were cut off from the world and never saw anyone else. Different family dynamics work for different people. Different strokes for different folks and all that

And OPs DIL is getting her parents and OP to babysit alternately, so she is getting support but it’s still not enough. As I said, as someone who has had nothing except my husband to facilitate breaks due to a variety of reasons, I still wouldn’t begrudge my partner a day out with his mum nor would I demand she does it for me too. I think the DIL is an entitled little madam and am really surprised by the level of support for her on here.

everyone was happy no complaints

No complaints doesn’t mean they were happy.

Dangerous to have your limited time together with your child and spouse? And we do see other extended family together and we also see friends separately once in a while. But family was typically together because we considered our in laws our family as well once married. The dynamic worked for us and everyone was happy no complaints

Fgs DIL gets baby sitters three weeks out of four. Are you getting more support?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Like I said, red flags for abuse.

You didn't have any time to see friends or family outside of your 'little family?'.

You didn't have individual identities, individual relationships or social time outside of your 'little family'.

When your DP was at work you never saw anyone?

Or did you? I think you did see your friends and family without him.

But you expected him to not see anyone without you? Because your 'little family' took priority over him having any time to himself, or time for any relationships apart from yours with you ALWAYS there?

Yeah, that's abusive.

Your friends and family weren't 'respecting' your ideas of a family, they just were scared to piss you off knowing you'd cut them off for not 'respecting your little family' so seeing their loved one with you constantly there was better than nothing.

Because it’s a few hours on one day! Why can’t he spend time with other people?! it’s weird to not spend any time with anyone else.

And, for the third time, if his wife wanted to go out for a few hours with her mum or a friend would you feel the same? Or is it only the man who you expect to live only at work or with his wife and child?

It’s a crazy way of thinking. Unhealthy and very dangerous.

My friends husband worked in the oil industry 7 weeks on 7 weeks off. .

Another friend her husband was army intelligence would disappear for long stretches.

Another friend her husband worked undercover for customs and excise internationally. That was hard because zero contact .

My mother, father worked long hours. 13 hour a day six days a week.

None of these women ever complained. Had no family nearby. They did have good friends, however.

Your support network doesn't have to be kin. Two of these friends were overseas. Three of those marriages survived btw.