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AIBU?

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Original poster

I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

582 replies

TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 01:29

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

OP posts:
Rafting2022 · 08/06/2025 01:45

Is she going back to worn at some point? Do her parents babysit?

GarlicMile · 08/06/2025 01:44

I agree that you were thoughtless. Also agree that it's a good thing your communication is open enough for DIL to have told you what was wrong, and it does sound like you've apologised appropriately. Now, of course, you need to follow that through by giving them some adult time together.

Also maybe encourage your son to pull his weight a bit more at home? This little fall-out could prove to be the trigger for a more mutually supportive home life there, if he is able to hear what his wife is saying.

SoWhat21 · 08/06/2025 01:42

Did you at least check with your DIL that she was available to look after your grandchild? Or did you just expect her as the default parent to be there to provide childcare while you and the other parent went out having fun? Was there any appreciation that her time was required in order to facilitate this treat for your son?

Original poster
TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 01:40

Ponoka7 · 08/06/2025 01:38

I'm a grandmother. Most people I know would have offered to babysit and got them a couple present. The best thing would be to support their relationship. You got it wrong, it says a lot that she can be honest with you, though.

I definitely agree I messed up as a MIL and I should be tailoring my treats to support them as a couple and not acknowledging my son’s role in working hard as a father and provider while overlooking all my DIL’s hard work. I already apologized to my DIL and I agree that it says a lot that she felt she could be 100% honest with me and lay it all out on the table

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 08/06/2025 01:38

I'm a grandmother. Most people I know would have offered to babysit and got them a couple present. The best thing would be to support their relationship. You got it wrong, it says a lot that she can be honest with you, though.

Original poster
TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 01:35

I do babysit for them about once a month or so. I think she does need a break but I think for her it was about the principle that I took my son out on a Saturday to treat him and that left her another day of being alone having to be responsible for my granddaughter. She told me it told her I only recognize my son’s hard work as a father and contribution to the family and she felt confused why I didn’t offer to babysit my granddaughter and let them two go out to the baseball game instead of me taking my son.

She felt everyone would have won I would get my GD all to myself for a few hours and she and my son would get some time together on a date baby free. She said what her hurt her the most was the discrepancy and that she felt I took her for granted while elevating my son saying he needs a break when she does to. And it hurt her feelings. I apologized and said I will try to support them both as parents and a couple and I love her and would never intentionally take her for granted.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 08/06/2025 01:31

Do you offer to babysit? Do you think DIL might want a break?