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AIBU?

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Original poster

I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

582 replies

TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 01:29

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

OP posts:
Rafting2022 · 08/06/2025 02:22

Trendyname · 08/06/2025 02:17

You are a mother in law. Hence 3 posts on 1st page?

Show quote history

Sorry?

Original poster
TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 02:22

Rafting2022 · 08/06/2025 02:13

She sounds hard work and with a lot to say for herself.

Edited

A lot to say for herself? What do you mean by that? She told me how she felt which is a great sign for our relationship that instead of harboring resentment towards me she openly talked out her feelings with me. I messed up I acknowledged that without my DIL it would be much harder for my son to do what he does and I took her for granted. If I’m recognizing my son and treating him I should do the same for my DIL at some point. I just texted her offering to take her for lunch

OP posts:
HeyWiggle · 08/06/2025 02:22

You’re fine to spend 1:1 time with your son but no need to dress it up as a reward for something. You could always take your son and grandchild out together to give your DIL a break. She clearly needs some respite and likely feels unseen.

Original poster
TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 02:19

pepperminticecream · 08/06/2025 02:15

I think this is partly wrong. You are allowed to have time alone with your son and to treat him, there shouldn’t be an issue with that at all. But I would also treat your DIL too and offer to babysit for dates or have your DG overnight.

Show quote history

Right exactly! We are essentially saying the same thing. I think my DIL was hurt I treated my son and had individual time with him and recognized his hard work for his family and didn’t offer the same for her. When someone is married everyone should be treated pretty much equally. When I didn’t offer to do something another day with my DIL she was thinking I thought we were close yet she only recognized my husband. I apologized to my DIL and I just texted her offering to take her out to lunch sometime soon

OP posts:
Trendyname · 08/06/2025 02:17

Rafting2022 · 08/06/2025 02:13

She sounds hard work and with a lot to say for herself.

Edited

You are a mother in law. Hence 3 posts on 1st page?

pepperminticecream · 08/06/2025 02:15

TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 01:52

I think it’s that and that she was hurt I only treated my son for his role in the family unit and not her role she prob felt as a DIL I overlooked her while elevating my son. So I did apologize to my DIL and moving forward I will pay for them to have a date day/night together and babysit my GC or treat their whole family. My son is a married father and I have trouble letting go sometimes so the days of treating just him and not including his wife are behind me. I have to recognize my son is part of his own family unit now and a husband and father first. I think she was also hurt I didn’t reciprocate with her and take her out for a girly activity

Show quote history

I think this is partly wrong. You are allowed to have time alone with your son and to treat him, there shouldn’t be an issue with that at all. But I would also treat your DIL too and offer to babysit for dates or have your DG overnight.

DreamTheMoors · 08/06/2025 02:15

I don’t think a baseball game would’ve angered me as a wife, but I loved my MIL.
Could you gift them a weekend of babysitting or something? I’m just spitballing here.
Or what if you gave her her own day off - a spa day with you or a fun day of shopping and lunch?
Something to show her you think she’s special too & you think she deserves a break.
An act of that sort might go a long way - although I don’t know your DiL
Kindness always goes a long way. ❤️

RosesAndHellebores · 08/06/2025 02:15

Going against the grain here as a MIL, although not as a grandma yet.

You babysit once a month for them, DIL's parents baby sit every couple of weeks. That's pretty good going imo.

I'd say that if DIL wants an afternoon away from the baby she could have a jolly with her mum whilst your DS babysits.

I think your DIL's being a bit bratty and entitled to be honest. My DIL has daughter time with her family; similarly DS occasionally has son time with us. Sometimes when they are in London DS will come to us Fr/Sat and she'll go to her parents and either DS will go to theirs on the Saturday or she'll come to ours.

Chickenhorse · 08/06/2025 02:14

I think you sound like a lovely MIL and that is also shown by the fact DIL spoke to you about the disparity, and that you are taking the comments on this thread onboard.

Rafting2022 · 08/06/2025 02:13

She sounds hard work and with a lot to say for herself.

Original poster
TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 02:02

Disturbia81 · 08/06/2025 02:00

This, why shouldn’t a mum sometimes spend time with her son?? And I’m saying this as a DIL

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Again, it was the reason I gave that made my DIL feel unseen overlooked and taken for granted. I’m honestly glad she felt able to be open with me that’s a sign she feels comfortable with me as family which is great. It’s a lot better than the alternative option of stewing in resentment towards me. Maybe she is hurt I didn’t offer to take her out and spend MIL/DIL time with her and only offered it to my son. Like I’m elevating him above her instead of them as a unit. That wasn’t my intention. I’m going to reach out to my DIL to offer to take her to lunch one Saturday

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 02:00

steff13 · 08/06/2025 01:55

I don't know why it has to be for "his role in the family;" you're allowed to have a day out with your son just because you want to spend time with him.

If she wants you to babysit for a date night she can always ask. How often do her parents babysit?

No I think you misunderstood the reason I treated my son to this was to give him a reprieve from his bush job bc he’s been under a lot of work stress lately. My DIL felt overlooked bc she said being a SAHM being responsible for all the household things and caring for a 6 month old which she doesn’t get a break from was not acknowledged and I only was seeing and caring about my son’s hard work instead of them as a couple. I see where she is coming from and apologized and said I will do a family outing from now on including my DIL and GD. Or offer to babysit so they get time together. I see where my DIL is hurt and I’m honestly glad she felt comfortable to be open and forward with me about her feelings. She maybe felt hurt I didn’t offer to do something with her. I’m going to reach out to her to offer to take her to lunch one Saturday

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 08/06/2025 02:00

steff13 · 08/06/2025 01:55

I don't know why it has to be for "his role in the family;" you're allowed to have a day out with your son just because you want to spend time with him.

If she wants you to babysit for a date night she can always ask. How often do her parents babysit?

This, why shouldn’t a mum sometimes spend time with her son?? And I’m saying this as a DIL

TheOmbudsmansComingtoGetYou · 08/06/2025 01:57

You don’t have to pay for it. Just facilitate it.

steff13 · 08/06/2025 01:55

I don't know why it has to be for "his role in the family;" you're allowed to have a day out with your son just because you want to spend time with him.

If she wants you to babysit for a date night she can always ask. How often do her parents babysit?

Original poster
TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 01:55

Chickenhorse · 08/06/2025 01:49

I think you should look after baby so they can go on a date. Then maybe take DDIL out for a day treat while your DS looks after the baby. Then you will have treated them equally. Even just for a lunch or afternoon tea, or something like that. Obviously ask her if that is something she would like to do. I take my. DDIL out without DS if he is busy with his friends and I enjoy her company and I hope she enjoys mine.

Yes! I think it’s the fact I took just my son out as well for his efforts within the family and didn’t offer the same to my DIL so I think I will reach out to her and offer to take her out for lunch one weekend

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 01:54

Rafting2022 · 08/06/2025 01:49

I don’t get why this is your fault and not your son’s. Could he not have politely declined and asked if you could babysit instead? How much time does he look after the grandchild at weekends to give her time to pursue her own interests?

I think it was the principle that I took my son out individually for his role in his family while taking for granted and overlooking my DIL’s role in the family so it was about my personal relationship with her in my DIL’s words. I definitely see where she is coming from so I apologized and moving forward I will give them time alone as a married couple and offer to babysit my GC to give them that alone time together

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 01:52

BookArt55 · 08/06/2025 01:47

I think this hit a sore spot for DIL as it sounds like he isn't pulling his weight at home. As you babysit once a month already, you do help. And it is okay for you to go out wjth your son too. I think it is great that she was able to speak to you, you have taken it on board and already have a plan in place so she has a break. But may the crux of it is she feels swamped and sees an imbalance that needs to be navigated in their relationship

I think it’s that and that she was hurt I only treated my son for his role in the family unit and not her role she prob felt as a DIL I overlooked her while elevating my son. So I did apologize to my DIL and moving forward I will pay for them to have a date day/night together and babysit my GC or treat their whole family. My son is a married father and I have trouble letting go sometimes so the days of treating just him and not including his wife are behind me. I have to recognize my son is part of his own family unit now and a husband and father first. I think she was also hurt I didn’t reciprocate with her and take her out for a girly activity

OP posts:
Rafting2022 · 08/06/2025 01:49

I don’t get why this is your fault and not your son’s. Could he not have politely declined and asked if you could babysit instead? How much time does he look after the grandchild at weekends to give her time to pursue her own interests?

Chickenhorse · 08/06/2025 01:49

I think you should look after baby so they can go on a date. Then maybe take DDIL out for a day treat while your DS looks after the baby. Then you will have treated them equally. Even just for a lunch or afternoon tea, or something like that. Obviously ask her if that is something she would like to do. I take my. DDIL out without DS if he is busy with his friends and I enjoy her company and I hope she enjoys mine.

EllasNonny · 08/06/2025 01:47

This is the sort of thing my MIL did. She didn't take her own DD out for a break either, just her poor DS. You got it wong.

BookArt55 · 08/06/2025 01:47

I think this hit a sore spot for DIL as it sounds like he isn't pulling his weight at home. As you babysit once a month already, you do help. And it is okay for you to go out wjth your son too. I think it is great that she was able to speak to you, you have taken it on board and already have a plan in place so she has a break. But may the crux of it is she feels swamped and sees an imbalance that needs to be navigated in their relationship

copi1ot · 08/06/2025 01:46

I already apologized to my DIL and I agree that it says a lot that she felt she could be 100% honest with me and lay it all out on the table

Surely all sorted then?

Original poster
TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 01:46

Rafting2022 · 08/06/2025 01:45

Is she going back to worn at some point? Do her parents babysit?

I’m not sure I haven’t asked as it isn’t really my business if she is going back to work. But I’m not sure what that has to do with anything. And yes her parents babysit once every other week or so

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWisePearlRaven · 08/06/2025 01:45

SoWhat21 · 08/06/2025 01:42

Did you at least check with your DIL that she was available to look after your grandchild? Or did you just expect her as the default parent to be there to provide childcare while you and the other parent went out having fun? Was there any appreciation that her time was required in order to facilitate this treat for your son?

I checked with my son and he said it was fine so I went off of what he said but I agree my actions showed I took her for granted and I should have invited either my DIL and GD as well to make it a family outing or offer for my son and DIL to go to the game together while i babysit my GD. I did apologize to my DIL for that

OP posts: