I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

My in-laws did fuck all really for us and babysitting once a month sounds pretty great. (The few times they babysat it ended in tears because he’s a stroppy bastard.)

I think she was a bit cheeky to moan at you… But on the other hand yeah it’s pretty wearing constantly propping up somebody who is really stressed. Who cares? You meant well. Don’t overthink it.
I hope in years to come I can take my boys out without anybody having a fit.

Bc it was for “working hard” when DIL is working just as hard being a SAHM to a young baby and running the household. But that’s not being recognized. Only one half of the married unit is.

The more I think about it this has to be a reverse. And the DIL has definitely made sure you feel too nervous to spend any time on your own with your son hasn’t she.

It sounds like you already babysit regularly to give them couple time. You aren’t telepathic. You can’t be expected to know she wanted some more babysitting for her time. But note that she hasn’t asked to spend time with you while baby is with Dad. That’s the difference. You and your son are should spend time together. I expect my parents are older than you and my Dad is very ill, but my husband is always encouraging me to spend time with my parents while I still can.

I agree. This is a manifestation of DIL's resentment for DS more than anything. As much as OP might gush about her son being an 'awesome dad', it seems there's trouble in paradise and it sounds like, yet again, DS is swanning off doing something fun as an adult and DIL is stuck at home.

Whilst you and her parents do babysit, I think there's more going on here behind closed doors. She's already told you that she feels like she's always solo parenting, maybe he's not pulling his weight and you're not seeing it.

Again using language like “date” to describe a mother going to a game with her son suggests bias.
A mother cannot “date” her son by definition.

Why on earth has the op got it wrong for taking her son out - there is nothing stopping the dil going out with her own dm or.asking the op.to babysit another time if she wants a day out with her dh.

One of the many strange things about this thread for me is that the title is so at odds with the OP’s content.

Title: ‘I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DiL’.

OP’s content (on repeat): ‘DiL said a thing, she was right, I apologized, I’ve offered to take her for lunch, I’m a feminist, I get it, it’s good she can talk to me.’

So yeah, it’s a funny old (repetitive) thread. One might even say, weird and discordant.

This thread reminded me of the song such a good dad

Who thinks he’s an awesome dad?
Doesn’t sound like his wife does.

And he went off to the baseball without even checking who was looking after his child. Doesn’t sound awesome to me.

And isn’t that his wife role to support her husband? He is working to support his family not his mother so what does she have to do with this? If I’m the wife and my MIL is taken my husband out bc he works lots of hours and is stressed I would be like that’s our family business and as his wife I’m the one who would take him out on date nights and such to de stress and support him not having “dates” with his mother. How odd

We do know it’s saving the household money automatically bc the baby isn’t in daycare. It’s not just the son who is stressed again him working extra hours means that’s more hours the DIL is alone with the baby caring for hr. But as per usual shocker the woman is overlooked and forgotten about and taken for granted. it’s sad it has to be spelled out to her own MIL. Who is close family who she should be able to count on as a fellow mother figure to see that. Mil was obviously once a new mother at some point

I think the point is you gave her MORE work. Another day of solo parenting without even asking her.
she sounds unappreciated and your son is on wobbly ground.
she probably doesn’t want to go to lunch with you really, she wants your son to step up so she can have a break

And I want to add that she should make it clear to her DIL that she spoke to her son about stepping it up at home. This is her husband she has a right to know what is said to him about the running of their family and household. It doesn’t need to be some secret conversation

ForBusyZebra

no nobody’s entitled to anyone’s time but the cutting the apron strings thing is always said and I don’t think it’s a big deal for people to go out with family, it doesn’t have to be a thing- I go for lunches with my mum dh sees his too. I go on road trips with my brother who has autism or I visit my other brother and also my sister (though not enough) dh never says ‘but you married me! It’s me you should be spending time with!’

“Mommy”, “Grown man”. That type of language suggests bias. It should be perfectly acceptable to acknowledge that jobs can be stressful to adults and supporting a child doesn’t end at 18.

We have no idea what hours this man works, or whether the DIL being with baby is saving the household money.

We do know there is one baby, a couple who get regular childcare from both parents.

But why does the son get treated or his hard word and stressed but not the DIL? Also you keep saying her own son and her RIGHT. No one has a RIGHT to anyone’s time esp when she is only recognizing her son and not her DIL’s efforts and hard work

Nope when you make vows to someone that person becomes your immediate family and absolutely comes first. What wife wants to be placed second behind a man’s mother?? And the husband looks tired after the wife giving birth. Give me a freaking break!! His wife is the one who carried this baby in her body for 9 months and pushed a whole ass human out of her vagina irrecoverably changing her body forever but her husband is tired from it all and deserves a break I officially heard it all

I disagree with the majority. You said you babysit. Why can’t a mother have a random night out with her son? If my husband wanted to rake his mum out or she wanted to treat him I would think it her prerogative. Sounds like you are supportive and caring. You can babysit another night but you do have a right to spend time with your own child. It’s also not your job to check that she is available to care for her own kid, it’s your son’s job to discuss it with his wife and endure she doesn’t have plans if he is out. I understand DIL is frazzled, tired and stressed. Doesn’t mean you can’t treat your own son.

Read the OP. “He’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break”
What a good boy he is.
OP has reflected and realised why her DIL may have been a bit pissed off if that was the way it was framed.

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your son, and with your DIL as well because she told you honestly what she thinks. You all seem to be open and honest with each other - a rare thing in families in my experience, you can count yourself lucky!
It's fine to do something with your son but make sure you balance it out by giving your DIL time to herself. I'd also have a chat about your son about pulling his weight at home because it sounds like he doesn't do enough.
It's normal to feel annoyed by what your DIL said because no one likes being criticised, especially when you feel you were doing the best you can.

Well done. It’s good that you’ve all been so candid with one another. Sounds like a lovely family. It’s great that you can see the bigger picture now. It’s also ok for you to have one on one time with your son at times which is important too.

Her own son is a grown man! Why are posters so hell bent that the OP needs all this time with her son without his wife?? I’m not sure how his wife being there changes things and take away from it. If she is telling her son things to keep secret from his wife that’s inappropriate. His wife is her DIL now part of her family as well. Seems like mom can’t cut the apron strings. Also I’m sick of reading the word entitled. “Oh she is entitled to time alone with her son.” No one is ENTITLED to anyone’s time. And even more so when that person is married with a young baby that time is even more limited

Meant to add of course mils should recognise and have time with both son and dil but just because her son gets married doesn’t mean they never have one on one time again, he’s her son! And saying son looks a bit run down at the mo is the inherent thing that starts when you give birth, you can worry about the dil and yes help her out but it’s not the same. It’s like yesterday on mn someone quoted the daughter is a daughter for life, son is a son until ge gets a wife thing- what rubbish!!! His wife is another form of family, it’s not an either or/ one is more important thing!

Sorry what?? DS babysits? His own child?

you mean parents his own offspring