I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

I see both sides - you do support DIL, as do her parents. Yes, perhaps it would be nice to support them further as a couple - BUT you are also your DS’s mother. You ARE allowed to have a relationship with him - separate from DIL - too? If you only ever take him out, then yes you need to rebalance, but if you do this once or twice a year whilst babysitting at least once a month, then I’m afraid I feel DIL may be being unreasonable here.

Abusive?? Bc she doesn’t like only her husband’s contributions being recognized. This isn’t about her seeing her son alone read the OP again. It’s the reasoning behind seeing her son alone bc he is stressed and needs a treat when her DIL is the one who is a SAHM doing all the household duties and being alone with a young baby with no adult interaction all day. That’s hard work too and it’s a bit tone deaf to only elevate your son and completely ignore your DIL. You are being obtuse in your response. And again you are also missing the point that 5 days of the week she is with the baby alone for the majority of the day and the very little time she gets alone with her little immediate family unit her husband and child and she gets some reprieve and help with childcare duties her husband’s mother says oh wait even though this is the one day you get alone with your family I’m going to only invite you out bc you need a break even though DIL was the one mothering all week actively that’s yet another few hours she doesn’t have help. And you have the nerve to say she is abusive!! How dare you!

isnt it a sign of a good MIL DIL relationship that instead of harboring deep seeded resentment towards her MIL she spoke openly about her feelings? Hey this action you did hurt my feelings? That’s what family does

You did something that you thought was a nice thing and whilst I do agree with your DIL it isn't something you need to beat yourself up over. Sounds like you've handled it admirably so I would now put it to one side.

It's great you have a relationship with your DIL where she feels able to tell you this and massive respect to you for doing so much self-reflection. Many, many MILs on Mumsnet would not have handled this so well. She is also fortunate to have a MIL like you.

I wonder if this could all be a good thing...if its brought to a head how she feels about the set up with her DH. If this somehow improves things for their relationship then thats great...it sounds like he has reflected too. After all, ultimately it's his responsibility to be doing his fair share and not yours. I hope he is.

She does now need to move on though. If she doesn't let it go then she will be unreasonable.

everyone has diff ways. It’s good she was honest about her feelings. It hurts, but in the long run it’s so so much easier!!!

It’s her DIL why shouldn’t she be recognized if her son is? So her son’s contributions are more valuable. And you are really putting a FRIEND in higher importance than your own DIL. A DIL is family a FRIEND is not. I would definitely be asking my MIL who is family MOTHER in law before a friend

She could offer them a date night too - which I think she has said on reflection, she intends to do. But I don't see anything inherently unreasonable in a parent wanting to spend some one-on-one time with their own child (for whatever reason) without the spouse being present.

I imagine she usually sees both of them together the majority of the time. If DiL's mother wants to take her out (on her own) to celebrate her hard work, that would be cool too. They're not hermetically attached.

Of course they would.

But people are funny about mothers & sons. If FIL had taken son out to a match I doubt anything would have been said. Because people see that as “normal”. But his mother does it and she’s accused of not recognising the efforts of SAHMs, taking his time away from his real family, and on this thread usurping the role of his wife.

I think it’s lovely you spent some quality time with your son and it’s on him if he didn’t say can you babysit so DIL can come.

Why can’t you do both, babysit another time so they have a date night.

Sounds like he’s probably pretty selfish with DIL and she’s had enough. That’s his problem not yours.

She’s lucky you’re so thoughtful that you’re now considering if you were wrong here. It shows you care but you’re not bad for spending time with your son.

I had PIL that did SFA to help me but I accepted that it is not their responsibility to provide me with childcare but it’s lovely if it happens.. which it never did.

Bc it sends a message when a MIL overlooks and ignores her DIL’s contribution to the family and elevates her son for doing what every father and husband is expected to do everyday. It’s a passive aggressive snub. Once her son is married it’s not just about him anymore but supporting her son’s family unit which consists of wife and child. He isn’t a single dad. Her DIL carried her child for 9 months pushed a whole human out of her vagina permanently changing her body is dealing with no adult interaction all day dealing with the household dealing with a crying baby etc etc but only the son is recognized seriously fuck that shit!!! And then the MIL has the audacity to pull her son away from the very limited time he has with his immediate family unit to get a treat after her DIL has the baby alone all day for 5 days a week HE is the one needing a break away from the baby. You said it she isn’t thinking of her DIL and that’s said that she is showing no care for her at all or doesn’t care how it affects her. Well if my MIL treated me like that I would be shutting her out from my family unit and not be so quick to give her GC time if she treated me second to my husband or less important or like my hard work don’t matter or was taken for granted. In other words an incubator

I can see both sides tbh (DS & DIL that is )
Your son is at fault for assuming his DW is ok with him going off for the day and assuming that she’s ok to do the parenting again however your DIL should have taken this up with him and not you
I don’t think you should be denied spending time alone with your DS. It’s not your job to ensure that your DIL gets a break. She can arrange that with her DH, friends or own parents -blaming you is unfair !
I think you have been very kind and accommodating in your reaction and they are very lucky to have you however please don’t let everyone overlook your needs . You should be allowed to have alone time with your son if that’s what you want - he just needs to give more consideration as to how that fits in with his parental duties

This is more on your son. He needs to see pull his weight more if his wife feels resentful that she never gets a break. Being a SAHM shout be 24/7. They should share the load outsideboth their working hours. Her job starts when he goes to workk and finishes when he is back and the rest they should split 50:50.

I don’t think everyone needs to be treated the same. But I think the framing of “DS, you’ve been so busy and you’re such a good dad, let me treat you!!” while leaving DIL, who looks after a 6 month old Mon-Fri, to a Saturday by herself with the baby as well was insensitive. Your treat for him being such an amazing dad involves more parenting work for her.

She’s not the other woman, she’s his mother.

She not trying to “fill the gaps” in his marriage. She’s his mother. It’s a completely separate thing to being his wife.

OP never said she did it because she felt her DIL wasn’t recognising her husband’s work. That’s reading a thought process into it that simply isn’t there.

I’ve never felt in competition with my MIL because I see her a my husband’s mother. I recognise that she gave birth to him, raised him and has an interest in him.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you taking your son out or seeing him separately to his wife.

Imagine if the situation reversed and your DS was kicking off that his MIL had dared take her daughter off to a football match or out for dinner and he was appalled to be left at home holding the baby with no treats. Everyone here would call him an abusive twat, wouldn’t they?

By all means babysit so they can get out together whenever you want, it don’t be told it’s not ok to see your DS.

I think it's really special that you have the kind of relationship where you can both see raw points with each other and communicate through it (from her) or respect each other enough to rationally consider the other's position even where it can cause a bit of hurt (you). That's so valuable and rare, you make a wonderful team if you can hold onto that.

Is she being a bit selfish? Maybe a little but given they have a baby- the two most intense years of parenthood- then I think it can be forgiven. If pre kids she was jealous of your time together, that's different, but you sound like a rational lady who otherwise likes her, so I will assume she is otherwise not selfish, and maybe just a bit vulnerable currently in the sleep/hormone/SAHM to a baby merry-go-round.

Hopefully your generosity and kindness to her now is paid off in the future as there are times when all of us are a bit needy one way or another, and having a relationship where you can afford each other compassion in those times is golden.

Good luck to all of you going forwards :)

Agree . It’s batshit really .

Do men always need praising for normal stuff like going out to work?
Honestly massive eye roll at that!
He's an adult , he doesn't need treats for behaving like an adult
Time for MIL to cut the apron strings
Luckily she gets it
Let's hope she kicks her lazy son into doing his fair share at home

I guess I’m at a lost what DIL being there takes away from her seeing her son. Not to mention her son was raken out for his hard work while DIL is busting her ass as a SAHM doing the brunt of household things and childcare but sure let’s just recognize and reward the father. That’s the problem

Why is the op responsible for acknowledging anything about the dil, seriously this is ridiculous imo. Treating her son is not a commentary on the dil. I am sure the dil mum will be bigging up her dd without worrying about whether her son in law feels bigged up enough as well - these are grown adults who surely can cope with their partner receiving a present from their parents without whining that it is not fair that they didn't get a present too.

But would you only recognize your son’s hard work and not your DIL being a SAHM to your GC and doing all the hard work required of that. If yes you would suck as a MIL if not then disregard what I just said

This feels like a reverse to me.

OP, who already babysits for the fam once a month, is so keen to cast herself in the wrong for wanting to spend some alone time with her adult offspring.

I don’t think having a few hours with your son is wrong and it’s not on you to sort their childcare arrangements. If it was an issue your ds should have said. Yes offer to babysit both and you could take dil out too but don t be afraid to see your son without dil.

He is “under a lot of pressure in work”. We don’t know that DIL is “working just as hard”. I have children and I also minded a baby under 1 for a few months. Compared to my office job minding the baby was an absolute walk in the park.

I’m saying that it’s odd for the mother to treat her son for working hard when the son isn’t working hard for his mother but to support his wife and child. Surely his wife would fill the role/be the one to recognize his stress and take her husband out. It’s overstepping to the marriage of his mom to step into what is happening in their own family unit and try to fill in the gaps so to speak. If my MIL did this I would think how bizarre my husband working hard has nothing to do with you he’s not wording to support you then I could see her rewarding him for this. I would be thinking he’s my husband working to support his family wife and child I don’t need you swooping in to take him out and treating him as if I’m not recognizing my own husband or taking him out

I think she will really appreciate it. I think the most pertinent thing in this whole situation is that she was able to be honest with you about her hurt and you graciously apologised and are looking for a way to mend things with her. This is so so encouraging and means that rather than this situation being something you both hold resentment over, you’ve both been able to use it as a way to strengthen your relationship. She now knows she can tell you if you’ve upset her and you will receive it calmly, and you can have increased confidence that she will let you know if you’ve got it wrong, which actually gives you more freedom in the relationship.

i would also bear in mind she obviously cares about you enough to try and resolve things rather than just distance herself.

You’ll move past this and have a much deeper relationship as a result.

I hope that when/if my (little) children marry, their spouses will also feel able to have uncomfortable conversations with me. I’ll feel I’ve done something right if they do.