I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

Completely agree - DIL is being unreasonable about you wanting to spend time with your son. His efforts at home / time for herself / time together as a couple should be separate issues - though I do also get her venting if she is feeling overwhelmed (to a point)
Does she spend one on one time with her family, etc?

Going against the grain here as a MIL, although not as a grandma yet.

You babysit once a month for them, DIL's parents baby sit every couple of weeks. That's pretty good going imo.

I'd say that if DIL wants an afternoon away from the baby she could have a jolly with her mum whilst your DS babysits.

I think your DIL's being a bit bratty and entitled to be honest. My DIL has daughter time with her family; similarly DS occasionally has son time with us. Sometimes when they are in London DS will come to us Fr/Sat and she'll go to her parents and either DS will go to theirs on the Saturday or she'll come to ours.

I don’t think you did anything wrong? It’s ok to want to see your own son and treat him independently of the family unit. However her reaction would say there’s frustration bubbling already, do you think he’s possibly not the most amazing dad/husband you think he is? She probably would kill for a break, it’s a hard slog being with small humans all day and she probably resents how he could just ‘go’ and I don’t she doesn’t get that opportunity.

Anyone else think the thread title is odd, given the OP’s content?

But OP does babysit for them. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to treat her son on this occasion.

OP, I don't think you did anything wrong. Your DIL is obviously feeling a bit taken for granted but that's not your issue to fix. If she and your son want a date night, or she needs some time to herself, then they should arrange that and arrange a babysitter (possibly you). Or your son could step up at the weekends and give her a few hours to herself while he looks after the baby.

Of course they would.

But people are funny about mothers & sons. If FIL had taken son out to a match I doubt anything would have been said. Because people see that as “normal”. But his mother does it and she’s accused of not recognising the efforts of SAHMs, taking his time away from his real family, and on this thread usurping the role of his wife.

I'm a grandmother. Most people I know would have offered to babysit and got them a couple present. The best thing would be to support their relationship. You got it wrong, it says a lot that she can be honest with you, though.

Again you are being obtuse. She said the reason she was taken him out was for working hard which implies only his contribution to the family is worthy of being recognized. Nope being a SAHM is just as hard and stressful with no breaks. It’s not like she relaxing poolside she is a new mother navigating mother hood for the first time. Dealing with poopy diapers all day, crying baby, feedings, vomit, spit up, feedings, laundry, soothing the baby to sleep, oh yeah a real life of luxury she leads. But let’s overlook that. I’m confused why you are bringing a father son relationship into it when I clearly stated the reason wasn’t bc it’s a mother and son it’s bc of the reason the mother is giving her son’s hard work. So why would you think I wouldn’t be just as upset if a father took his son out for working hard if I mentioned that was the reason?

This, why shouldn’t a mum sometimes spend time with her son?? And I’m saying this as a DIL

Bc it sends a message when a MIL overlooks and ignores her DIL’s contribution to the family and elevates her son for doing what every father and husband is expected to do everyday. It’s a passive aggressive snub. Once her son is married it’s not just about him anymore but supporting her son’s family unit which consists of wife and child. He isn’t a single dad. Her DIL carried her child for 9 months pushed a whole human out of her vagina permanently changing her body is dealing with no adult interaction all day dealing with the household dealing with a crying baby etc etc but only the son is recognized seriously fuck that shit!!! And then the MIL has the audacity to pull her son away from the very limited time he has with his immediate family unit to get a treat after her DIL has the baby alone all day for 5 days a week HE is the one needing a break away from the baby. You said it she isn’t thinking of her DIL and that’s said that she is showing no care for her at all or doesn’t care how it affects her. Well if my MIL treated me like that I would be shutting her out from my family unit and not be so quick to give her GC time if she treated me second to my husband or less important or like my hard work don’t matter or was taken for granted. In other words an incubator

I see both sides - you do support DIL, as do her parents. Yes, perhaps it would be nice to support them further as a couple - BUT you are also your DS’s mother. You ARE allowed to have a relationship with him - separate from DIL - too? If you only ever take him out, then yes you need to rebalance, but if you do this once or twice a year whilst babysitting at least once a month, then I’m afraid I feel DIL may be being unreasonable here.

I agree with this.
I can see why she felt you were thoughtless. You talk a lot about how much effort your son has put in recently. Some of that effort is rewarding only for your son. What your DIL is doing is a reward for the family. She’s pissed off because what you’ve done there is basically what the rest of society do. They don’t value the SAHP and child raising!

It is recognised. Both sets of grandparents babysit regularly.
The couple in question can organise themselves daycare if SAH parenting is too much. It’s not the 1950’s.

Does Ops son complain when his wife goes out with her mum leaving him with the child I wonder? If she never leaves the child alone with him then that’s on her.

It is recognised. Both sets of grandparents babysit regularly.
The couple in question can organise themselves daycare if SAH parenting is too much. It’s not the 1950’s.

Does Ops son complain when his wife goes out with her mum leaving him with the child I wonder? If she never leaves the child alone with him then that’s on her.

This is more on your son. He needs to see pull his weight more if his wife feels resentful that she never gets a break. Being a SAHM shout be 24/7. They should share the load outsideboth their working hours. Her job starts when he goes to workk and finishes when he is back and the rest they should split 50:50.

Of course they would.

But people are funny about mothers & sons. If FIL had taken son out to a match I doubt anything would have been said. Because people see that as “normal”. But his mother does it and she’s accused of not recognising the efforts of SAHMs, taking his time away from his real family, and on this thread usurping the role of his wife.

Bc it was for “working hard” when DIL is working just as hard being a SAHM to a young baby and running the household. But that’s not being recognized. Only one half of the married unit is.

Did you at least check with your DIL that she was available to look after your grandchild? Or did you just expect her as the default parent to be there to provide childcare while you and the other parent went out having fun? Was there any appreciation that her time was required in order to facilitate this treat for your son?