I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

I still consider my mother and sibling as much my family as my husband and children, it is not a competition.

I don’t demand that my husband is “husband and father first” before her is a son. Because again it’s not a competition.

It can be an excuse for controlling behaviour.

I don’t think YABU, if she wants a break she needs to ask. Expecting you to be a mind reader and having a go at you is massively unreasonable. She chose to be a SAHM. Like I said, if she wanted a date day she needs to ask for that. I always ask my parents or PIL.

What came first the chicken or the egg? Maybe DILs react like that to MILs because of that very reason. Demanding lots of time alone with their son after he is married. Even knowing he has his own wife and child that need to come first and they have limited time together. Cutting out the DIL by not inviting her. Only acknowledging the son’s hard work. There is a reason these MIL stereotypes exist and it’s not exactly bc they are all saints. Possessive MILS

Speaking from personal experience, it may be that she is not getting the same level of support from her family that you are giving your son.
Also, it sounds like maybe she 's feeling deptessed and unregsrded in her life, as so many mothers do/ have done.
Of course, it 's lovely and right for you to take your son to a match but you also need to perhaps do something to acknowledge your dil's perspective as a woman/ mother.
It definitely sounds like your hesrt is in the right place and you're doing a great job in general.

I really don't see the problem. You asked dyiur son if he wanted to go see a game. He did, so you got tickets and went to see the game. You really don't have to treat then as a unit every single day. You can ask just your son if it something he enjoys or just DIL. Same with her parents. Your actions showed absolutely nothing about anything and you don't have to apologise and going forward you don't have to do anything differently. You can offer to babysit more if that's what you want.

If she was not fine with him going, that's on your son. Same with the thing about doing chores. That is about their marriage and not something you need to sort. If your son would have rather had a date night he should have declined and asked if you'd be available to babysit instead. Now that you know DIL is exhausted, you can offer to babysit, but it doesn't mean you can never spend time eith your son again.

I think you need to gently remind her that you're a grandmother. It's not your child and you're not obliged to provide any childcare never mind be guilt-tripped. What you are definitley not there for is to fill the void of a 'dad' who isn't pulling his weight. If she has grievances with your DS she needs to be telling him not making it your problem. Why can't he watch baby and give her some time off?! Yes if you were constantly taking ds out and away from parenting duties or if you had other grandkids who you are a lot more involved with then she might have a point but otherwise she needs to stop making her kids and her husband your problem tbh.

I say this all as somebody who's in laws barely want to be in the same room as me or my kids but treat their other grandchildren as surrogates btw... it sucks but my dd is ultimately my child. I don't need anyone else to give her a happy life.

This feels like projection to me. I think this is about her not getting a free afternoon and I don’t mean a date with her husband. I mean her mum saying leave baby with DH and let’s go to a spa/sports game whatever that it’s. If they get baby free time 2/3 times a month great but does she get time to be her not just wife/mum

Absolutely 👍

Ooh, plot twist!

I think it's good that you have the kind of relationship with her that she could voice her feelings and you can acknowledge them.

MIL and I have the kind of relationship where either of us could say "btw, not making an issue, but that felt rude/unfair" or similar and it works so well.

It means there is never any simmering annoyances that build up into something big.

But that not what was said, if the FIL said exactly what the MIL said I very much doubt there would be a thread about it.

You wrote further up “What wife wants to be placed second behind a man’s mother??” That plus language about “dating” his mother, the MIL “swooping in” and “role of the wife”. People do not speak like that about FILs. In fact the actions or non actions of FIL don’t get much airtime compared to MiL who are subject to a particular kind of ire - the “can’t let go”, “apron strings” mentality.

Those were her words though, “giving him a break for working hard.” So she framed it as treating him for those reasons. And yes it’s shitty to only acknowledge one half of the parenting team. Like it or not he is a husband and father first and foremost before he is a son. Once you marry your spouse and any kids you have become your immediate family. And you are missing the fact that she is home alone for the majority of the days 5 days a week with the baby and out of the two days they have together as their own little immediate family unit and the day they have support with the father of the child he is taking off for a treat with his mother for working hard when she has been working hard all week as well raising our child yeah I would be pissed. But the husband here sucks more than the MIL of putting his mother ahead of his wife and child. Instead of saying, “mom what you are asking of me cuts into my very very little family time I have with my wife and child my wife is home alone with our baby 5 days a week and these are the two days we have together as a family unit and I don’t want to leave my wife yet again I would love to see you but why don’t we all head tk the game together?” And it is shitty of MIL to put her son and DIL in this position knowing her DIL’s schedule it’s just not a cool MIL move. You don’t ask for alone time during the VERY VERY limited time your son has with his primary family which is fostering a bond with his very young daughter and nurturing his relationship with his wife which comes first and foremost. Knowing her son and DIL and GC have limited time together for the time being it is crappy to request he leaves them at home to cut into their time together to give them time alone. I think these hangouts needs to be within the context of the family unit all together not forever but for the time being either when his hours at work die down so they get more feee time together as a core family unit or his daughter is a bit older and more independent. It’s perfectly natural for one on one time to lessen when you are a young married couple in the throes of parenthood. And that family will have to take priority for now.

also why is DIL being upset ok if the reason is needing a break from parenting but not if the reason is due to her being hurt that her MIL only recognized her son’s efforts and didn’t recognize her DIL. It’s her feelings either way they are valid or should be. Maybe she is hurt her MIL took their limited family time together

This reads like two different people and the thread title is strange.

Thanks. I also think there’s a lot of repetition / repetitive phrasing in the OP’s responses, indicative of use of AI.

Meanwhile the thread rip-roars along at lightening speed.

Not to babysit - to look after his own child! It isn’t described as babysitting when the mother is caring for her baby.

You babysit once a month, of course you should be able to have a day out with your son. It would never have occurred to me to complain about my dh having the odd outing with his father when our children were young.

Given that life can change tragically on a dime, being fixated on "the wrong time" for anything risks guilt and regret for things left undone and unsaid down the line in all relationships. Ask me how I know.

I think this is the crux of it. Pop in for a cuppa or phone mil on the way home but don't take big chunks away from weekend, leaving one parent alone with the baby while both parents are finding their feet.

If this was the only time you did anything for them you'd be unreasonable - but you do babysit so they can can both get a break so she sounds a bit entitled. Her mum can take her out and leave your son to babysit.

Does sound like he doesnt really pull his weight, though and you should be encouraging him to do more.

Hi @TheWisePearlRaven sometimes the kind things we do land wrongly. Your DIL isn't wrong or weird calling you out. I think she en pointe speaking up. Stop beating yourself up and if you can support them both. It sounds like a nice trip to a cafe with your DIL and granddaughter wouldnt go amiss to apologise.

BTW your DS sounds like he doesn't help at home much, you might want to have a word with him. Being a SAHP is tough, it is relentless until the kids go to school.

But the adult child has a six month old baby whom they need to care for at the weekend. It’s the wrong time for a day out.

You should be able to go out with your son without having to treat his partner too, you babysit once a month for them so she should be grateful to you for doing that. I don't think you should see it as you are treating him for his role within his family unit but you can treat him as he is your son. Like a previous poster said, your DIL is being bratty and I totally agree. Just thinking of it the other way round, would I treat my daughter's partner just because I have treated her? Absolutely no way, she is my daughter and I will do nice things with her and her alone for as long as she wants to.

I would be really annoyed with your DIL as the bottom line is she is upset you've spent time with your son and he with his mother. I bet she would be upset if your son came to you with your grandchild and you went out for the day too even though it would be giving her the break she says she needs.

Actually I disagree if anything it would be even worse that a group of men were saying yeahhh we need a guys night out away from the ball and chain type of sexist shit that often takes place at three guys nights. Or men who have not the slightest clue what women go through making judgments on needing a break from them so yes I think there would be an issue of, “how dare these men say they need a break from us they have no idea what SAHMS go through

I think that this is a reverse and the OP is the DIL.

Few things:

• You should be able to take your son out whenever you like. It’s nothing to do with your DIL. Your son’s entitled to a relationship with his mum, just as your DIL’s entitled to one with hers. If her mum offered to take her out for a treat, surely your son wouldn’t be hurt if he’s not invited. If he was, that would seem controlling.

• As a grandmother, you can also offer to care for your GC, either so your DIL can have some leave from her demanding full-time job (childcare) in the week, when your son is at work, or during evenings and weekends, so they can go on a date together. But don’t let that stop you having quality one-on-one time with your son occasionally.

• Why does your son do no housework? If his DD is pre-school, looking after her is a demanding, full-time job. If she were in day care or they had a nanny, they’d be paid as professionals purely to be looking after her. If your DS didn’t have kids and lived alone, or with your DP, and she worked outside their home full-time, he should expect to share the housework 50/50. I suggest you encourage him to do his fair share. He should also look after his DD one day at a weekend to give your DIL one day off a week. Then, he has the other day off. He shouldn’t expect her to spend 7 days a week looking after their DD without a break.