I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

I'm torn on this. Between you and her parents they have a babysitter around fortnightly. That's quite a lot. It's a lot more than most couples get. They chose to have a child, the result is less childfree time.

Does she go out to things like playgroups during the day? Being at home all day won't help if she literally is staying in.

I don't think you and your son doing something just the two of you is unreasonable either. I think your framing it as a reward / rest is what's got her back up. Because he's maybe not as great as you think.

Also isn't baseball an event with no time limits? So off you go and who knows when he's home?

I think it's your son that's the issue. Is he not pulling his weight at home? How often does he have the baby so she can go out? Does she only get to go out with him on 'date nights'? Or does she get to see her friends or go out on her own? Supermarket / chores doesn't count.

Does he actually make any effort on the weekends usually- things like housework, plan a day out, cook... and how often is he off doing his own thing at the weekend?

When he's working long hours, does he really need to, or could he put a boundary in and clock off. Is he prioritising work? Or staying longer because he's more bothered what work think of him than his wife.

You talk about his role in the family, what is it beyond providing money? And you say he's an awesome dad but if he only does the fun stuff and leaves her with all the dogsbody work he's not an awesome dad.

Yep .

I think it’s sad that a purely innocent action, without any ulterior motive has obviously caused such a lot of hurt feelings. You sound like a very caring mother in law and the fact that you’ve apologized to your DIL and taken her feelings seriously says a lot.

I don't think you actually did anything wrong. I think your DS did.

You said he's been under a lot of pressure at work and he accepted this invitation to go out with you on a Saturday. Your DIL complained to you that your DS going out with you made her life harder.

Reading between the lines, your DS is currently working longer hours than normal (meaning your DIL has more solo parenting than normal) and your DIL probably doesn't know when he's coming home each day (because your DS doesn't know either). He's probably more tired than usual, so the time they do get together isn't just shorter but poorer quality.

I suspect she feels unsupported by your DS.

Has she voiced this to him? Probably not, given he accepted your kind offer to go out on a Saturday. If he knew - and he was a good partner - he would have told you he'd have loved to go out with you but he knew she was having a hard time parenting at the moment so he'd rather do something with her and their child.

There are many reasons why she wouldn't have voiced to him, and why it has instead come out in a grumble to you. Maybe she's too reliant on his income. Maybe she feels insecure about being SAHP. Maybe she does think he's working hard and doesn't want to make him feel devalued, and is instead taking that hit herself.

But the fact you now know how she is feeling is really positive, because you can give your DS a heads up before that nagging resentment on DIL's part turns into a massive wedge that potentially breaks them apart.

You're not wrong to want to treat your DS and spend him with him one to one. But given the age of your grandchild and the pressure that both DIL and your DS are feeling... for now, the kindest and best thing to do is to try to facilitate time for them as a couple, so they can feel strong as a couple, and that helps solidify that family unit for your grandchild.

The baby won't be tiny forever. There will come a point where you can make a kind offer to go out with any combination of DS, DSIL and/or the child without anyone getting frustrated!

You were kind, and I don't think this was about you. Many DILs wouldn't have trusted their MILs enough to give them that insight into their actual feelings. Rather than feel like DIL has tainted your lovely gesture for your DS, I'd see this as a really positive thing to have happened. Not only did your take your DS out for a lovely day, but you can now plan to offer babysitting time more often (when you can) and that you know that's a gift that both your DS and DIL really need and will cherish. If DIL hadn't been in a position to tell you how she was feeling... maybe no one would have ever known until it was too late.

OP I just wanted to say, you sound lovely.
You had good intentions treating your son.
And you've been able to take on board what your DIL said with no hard feelings, and you're planning to help her feel more equal too.

When my MIL visits us, she and my DH just sit and chat and leave me to run around after our toddlers. Doesn't ask about me, I'm just there to facilitate their quality time together. Doesn't offer to babysit. Gives her son significantly more at birthdays and Christmases. She's so proud of his good job and how hard he works, but without me he'd not be able to do the job he does - because I'm here facilitating the childcare for his early starts, late finishes and overnights - and sacrificing my career, earning less working PT because one of us has to.
Same at Christmas. DH always cooks Xmas dinner, and she makes such a fuss of how good he is, slaving over the kitchen etc so that I can run around after the kids enjoy myself. Not recognising that I do all the invisible stuff in the month leading up - buying and wrapping gifts for the whole family, writing cards, planning and booking Christmas activities, sorting the elves out each night, organising the family meet ups both sides, baking mince pies beforehand for dessert, planning and completing the Christmas food shop, I do all the veg prep, and prepping the stockings and gifts to lay on Christmas eve. DH gets all the glory because he does the visible one meal on the day, and it's because he hates having to sit and socialise with the rest of the family!

It sounds like since she spoke to you, you've really thought about it, acknowledged DIL and the fact they come as a package, and appreciate both of them just the same and acknowledged your role in her hurt feelings.

It also speaks volumes that she feels able to talk to you about this. If I said this to my own MIL she'd be livid and then just play the victim by implying I'm awful for bringing it up.

When my first child was 6 months I was going for lovely walks, going to coffee shops, babygroups for chats. People I work with talk about maternity leave with a wistful look in their eye. It’s not toilIng down a mine. With one child at 6 months it was amazing frankly.

My MIL is perfectly entitled to spend some “alone time” with her own son. She’s not his affair partner. And no, I don’t think the ire directed at MIL is deserved.

This. Why is the burden of working out other peoples' thoughts and emotions always left to women to do? Why wasn't DIL angry with her DH instead of her MIL who didn't know the full story (that DIL was overwhelmed and felt she wasn't getting enough support)? Her parents give her time off every week or two, OP babysits once a month. DIL isn't working. People are commenting as if OP has done something terribly wrong. She hasn't. It was up to her DS to say 'Actually, Mum, I need to be at home with my wife and child at the weekend.'

Women are always blamed for everything, even when they try to do something positive.

If my MIL had treated my husband for working hard/contributing to the family it wouldn't have seemed that she thought my contribution was therefore less.

Just that she was acknowledging her son at that time.

If she was regularly babysitting for us both I was obviously also being acknowledged!

I can see the DILs point, my MIL took my wife out for dinner and a show last week.

Naturally I said it was fine and waited till they'd had their night out to text MIL and tell her I felt she was disrespectful and take all the goodness out of her gesture once it was too late for her to do anything about it

She doesnt think your son is pulling his weight. She's a sahm but that doesn't mean he can just work and do nothing else. My dh wanted to be with ours as soon as he stepped though the door. What is he like once home?

That being said you are not responsible for they way they have set up their family and if it isn't working for them then they need to make changes. You already babysit as does the other grandparent so how much time away from a young child do they actually need? It shouldn't fall back on you! There also isn't anything wrong with you spending time with your child one on one since you felt he was stressed.

If your dil is unhappy with your sons input she needs to address that with him and that wouldn't have happened at a baseball game anyway. It's easy to focus on this one thing and blame you and say she feels underappreciated but it's her dh she needs to address it to. You don't have to be grateful she is looking after her own child! We all do it and some of us have done it without any other family support.

Your dil sounds entitled and too much like hard work. Ultimately your son loves this woman and comes around to her way of thinking so you just need to learn to tread carefully. It isn't just her that gets to speak up though. I'd have told her outright that their family set up was for them to figure out and you wanted to spend time with your son so did.

"My son is a married father and I have trouble letting go sometimes..." Might this be part of the issue? Could there have been instances of not letting go that have rattled DIL?

Having said that, the OP genuinely sounds like an absolute joy compared to my last (unmarried) partner's mum, who couldn't get enough of her live-in son's time, and thought nothing of trotting out the "I might be dead this time next year" line when it suited her... 🙄

And her son works which isn’t hard either. Why is his contributions more valuable than hers? MIL also cut into the very limited time this young family has together her son works a lot of hours, yes so his limited time would naturally be spent burturing his bond with his young baby daughter and with his wife. Why would his mother want to interrupt that sacred time together? When a young family has limited time together it’s best to not cut into that and do whole family outings for a while instead of taking your son away from his family causing tension and conflict in his marriage and time away from his wife and daughter. I’m sorry but the alone time has to be put on hold during a time when family time is so sparse and limited and while the child is so young. Once his hours die down and the family unit has more time together or the child is older whichever comes first than a true jest for alone time may be more reasonable but for now it’s best for family harmony to keep outings to the family unit

Well, you've changed your tune.

As a DIL I wouldn’t give a toss. Why can’t her parents take her out whilst your son has his child? I don’t see how you’re in the wrong. Baffling.

You seem so reasonable and like a wonderful grandmother, from your response to your DIL’s concerns.

The mothers unfortunately often to get overlooked and the fathers get extra praise. It leads to resentment. My husband is an NHS doc and even he thinks SAHM have it more stressful.

You didn’t mean any harm and you’re trying to support her and that’s what counts! They’re lucky to have you. But yes, she definitely needs a break more than anyone!

This tbh, having one 6 month old baby was one of the easiest periods of my life, I still look back on it fondly.

Now I work 30 hours a week, husband more, one in school, one in pre-schools. My weekends are kids parties and hobbies, and trying to clean the house.

It’s a struggle after work to get homework, dinner & bedtime done.

We never seem to be on top of anything. And while I’m lucky that my mum minds my son once a week after school and goes us both dinner no one is offering to babysit at night for us. We don’t go out together a night, haven’t really since we had kids. Babysitters cost a bomb.

If my MIL took my husband to a match for his hard work when my son was 6 months, I couldn’t have gone off on one given I spent my weeks drinking tea at baby groups.

Then move from here on in …….. you’ve made your peace……..communicate with one another. Plan outings as a family, offer to babysit so DS and DIL can have a date night, day out etc and you get to spend quality time with DGC. Win Win but you HAVE to communicate

You sound like a lovely MIL, and it’s lovely you have made your DIL feel so comfortable with you that she can share these things. Well done for taking it on board and you can definitely take your son out separately, I feel like it was just the reasons given that were the issue.

I am a self-proclaimed feminist.

this made me smile.

I think that it is great that you and your DIL can communicate so honestly with each other. I cannot tell you how rare this is.

I would also be pissed off if my DH got taken out by his mum for doing a 'hard job' when I had been looking after a baby all week and hadn't seen my DH.

I think this post nails it. As I said to my DH (and other men) going out and doing a job is so much easier than doing childcare.

@TheWisePearlRaven for the next few years, whilst DC is young, focus on how you can assist the family unit.

It doesn't sound like in this case it was the fact that the MIL had a day out with her DS.

It was the fact it was badged as a "poor DS, he's been working so much recently it's been so difficult and he deserves a treat for that" day with zero acknowledgement that his working so much means the DIL has been flying solo with the children "so much" and probably deserved a treat too.

It's good that there js a relationship strong enough that the DIL felt able to point out that her contribution to his big job was being totally overlooked.

“Another day as a solo parent”. She is not a solo parent, she is a SAHM, her job during his work is to mind baby, his is to make money.

Why do people talk about SAHM so negatively? As another poster said she was sad when her kids went to school. A 6 month old baby is a joy. Yes, work, but also a great joy.

People on MNs talk about SAHP, and SAHM in particular as if they have no agency, as if they are put upon 1950s housewives with the expectation that they bang out children, and have them in bed when the husband comes home from work after the pub, and his dinner on the table.

Most working parents I know go home and help put their kids to bed, do homework etc.

Hang on, so she is a stay at home mum to 1 child, you babysit once a month and her mum does twice a month….she does not have a hard life. Sorting the house is not a difficult job, dust once a week, clean the bathroom, hoover and then get some in to do the windows. Unless your son is totally checked out of family life and doesn’t do any bedtimes/baths/looking after over the weekends then she just sounds like a brat to be honest

She is making heavy weather of it though.

You already babysit once a month and her parents weekly. She's in clover by my standards, it was just the presentation of it.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Treating your son to a day out didn’t leave her with a neutral result, it increased her work by giving her another day as solo parent, and robbed her of a weekend afternoon with her DH who is out at work all week.

Did your son realise what impact it made on her to go out? Did he talk to her about it, or just go?

It is very good that she dealt with her feelings by being open and honest. She let you into her feelings and her situation and kept communication open. Much better than the usual MN reaction and advice which is to call the MIL names, go low contact and / or a. range of petty passive aggressions.

I hope things settle down OP.