I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

Juggling three DILs looking after grandchildren without putting anyone's noses out of joint is impossible. Smoothing ruffled feathers when one feels that you've done more for the other is exhausting. And an impossible juggling act.

I spend alot of time in some relationships with family and friends basically apologising in advance just in case what I say or do is felt to be "wrong" in some way.

@MistressoftheDarkSide and this is with family and friends? Doesn’t sound like your family and friends make you feel very confident and at ease

It is interesting that women are continually expected to be the ones who are constantly mindful of other people's feelings at all times. And that there is such a huge amount of suspicion about motivation and possible subtext of every word and action.

I spend alot of time in some relationships with family and friends basically apologising in advance just in case what I say or do is felt to be "wrong" in some way. I sometimes feel obligated to issue disclaimers and over explain my intent, and it's irritating and wearing for all concerned no doubt. But I've obvious learned to do this due to misunderstandings in the past.

The more I think about it, modern life seems to breed neurosis.

Your DIL has been reading too much mumsnet. It’s perfectly fine for you to spend time with your son. She’s completely over the top and I can’t believe the extent to which you’ve grovelled.

Also, as someone who’s done mat leave with a 6 month old and is now sole earner for the family, I can say the latter is much tougher for me. I appreciate everything my husband does for the family and ensure he gets time off too, but being sole provider is incredibly stressful and often overlooked on here.

You're right there in our families case. And I expect in many.

@TheWisePearlRaven
I agree that you were a bit tactless in your given reason for taking your son out all day & leaving your DIL alone on a weekend to solo parent etc BUT your son happily agreed to it & told you it'd be fine & that his wife would look after their daughter. Where's HIS accountability in all of this??

If it wasn't convenient then it was up to your son to say so imo.

I think if the FIL had said the same thing DIL wouldn’t have contacted him.

Well I don't agree that you did anything wrong OP and you have since gone out of your way to apologise for nothing, though given your DIL's reaction, that was a sensible thing to do. Mums are allowed to treat their sons. I do get what your DIL was getting at and think the married couple should have roughly equal child free time, do they? I'm not at all sure your action is the real issue here.

@TheWisePearlRaven you sound so lovely but please don’t feel bad.

I don’t see why you should have to offer, it’s not your responsibility to be giving anyone a break.

If anything your son can give her a break by telling her to go off out for a few hours and he will look after their daughter.

You just wanted to do something nice for your son by spending time with him, why is that such a crime.

If she’s so desperate for a date night, they can ask you (not demand) or get in a babysitter, it isn’t your headache to deal with everyone’s feelings xx

That's beyond bad re the holiday. We'd have taken you all.

Growing up OP, did your son have a father that was very involved and have you time to pursue outside interests and have down time?

The thing is, it wasn’t couched in the OP as ‘son and I have always been followers of this sport, it’s our hobby, and it was an important match’

It was couched as a treat for the son because HE works hard, HE is a great Dad , HE deserves a break. Poor love, so I am going to take him out.

That’s a different dynamic for the DIL to be responding to.

Your DiL is being ridiculous! You are allowed to go out with your DS on your own occasionally.
If you never offered to babysit then it would be different.
Every so often I go out with my DS. No drama and my DiL always understood - he’s my DS and I’m entitled to go out with him alone occasionally.

Hi op,

I remember having a 6 month old baby and my MIL decided to take my husband on holiday for a week.

It nearly resulted in us divorcing to be honest.
I was so utterly tired, stressed and upset.
He worked Monday to Friday and I only really got a break at the weekend. Even just time to hop in the bath for a bit longer, or make proper decent food, knowing our son was safe with his dad. Mon - Fri was tough and I barely saw an adult human in that time. I lived for the weekends.

In my case the holiday was too big. Too invasive on our family. Took my relationship too close to the edge. I blamed my husband for going, but I thought MIL was stupid or selfish for taking him, and whilst eventually my relationship with my husband healed, my relationship with mil did not, I held too much resentment. Twenty years on I don’t bother with her. I see her at Christmas and birthdays. By default (because it always used to be me reminding DH to visit his mum, buy her a gift, send her a message etc) DH hasn’t bothered with her either and I make no effort to remind him to anymore. Last time he saw her was Christmas.

What you did was small scale by comparison, but I agree, taking their only family time and leaving her for yet another day alone with a young baby was probably a massive piss off for her.

I don’t think it’s your job to take her out now though. You don’t have to offer adults rewards. But I think next time offering to babysit, so they can enjoy time together is a much better idea.

Of course you’re also entitled to spend time with your son. I think perhaps just check a suitable time with the pair of them before booking anything, so she has that chance to say ‘I’m knackered, please not this weekend’.

I don’t think it’s a huge deal in the grand scheme. She’d said how she feels and you’ve responded appropriately. I’m sure it will soon be forgotten.

This. Everytime.

Op, I hope you read and take into account these later posts saying you have done nothing wrong, and not the huge blame pile on at the beginning.
What a lovely and thoughtful thing to do. No one has any right to expect you to babysit. You did something nice for your son. I’m sure if your DIL’s mum did the same for her and your son complained the way she did, the responses here would be totally different.
Your DIL sounds rude and entitled, frankly.
Don’t apologise further and don’t think you need to make up for this.

But the isn’t the case here. Not only do the in-laws babysit so does MIL. They get a break.

Also, a break from what. One 6 month old baby isn’t that much work.

I was just thinking that father and son hobby time no-one blinks or comments. Mothers on the other hand. Sigh....

I dont think anyone is fundamentally wrong or unreasonable. Apart maybe from your son!

It's perfectly fine that you want to spend time with your son and treat him for an afternoon. But he shouldn't have assumed his wife would do the childcare - yet again! And she isn't unreasonable to speak up.

I don't think it's your job to sort out their childcare situation. Your son should have been more thoughtful, he knows (or should know) the tensions in his relationship.

I'm not sure that you offering to babysit is the solution here it's not your responsibility. Your son needs to support his wife more, and if that involves asking you for help great, but it should come from him.

Woah. I guess you don’t get it at all despite all your several posts which sounds like you did?
if fil invited dh out for a Sunday game at the moment I’d say are you fucking serious. I assume the kids are all going too? And when I was at home with a baby dh home on the weekend was my only chance to ever have a break so if his mum OR dad wanted to take that away so HE could have a break…. Again are you serious???

I can guarantee she doesn’t want to spend her free time having lunch with her MIL 😂

I have had my ups and downs with a selfish mother in law - but seriously this is batshit. Of course you are able to treat your son and take him places as a treat independently of his wife. Your dil sounds like hard work.

I think you've done nothing wrong and she sounds hard work. I wouldn't be apologising to her, he is your son and you wanted to do something nice for him.
Honestly, I'm really not looking forward to becoming a mil!

You are allowed to spend time with your ds.
Your dil issue is with her dh not you. He should have said mum is taking me out on sat, so you'll be on your own with dd.

Your dil has a dh problem. He took her for granted not you.