I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

Yes you’re right, I just said to another poster it’s not really supporting other stay at home parents if I put a caveat in. I support both and I would happily defend being a SAHM, I think I’m just tired of the constant rhetoric about it these days.

I’m glad you are happy, it’s a tough job when they’re young but having that bit of freedom when they’re older must be lovely. And you’ve earned it for sure.

I think the fact you are a MIL is a moot point. The DIL felt aggrieved that her husband left her to another day of solo parenting when she is clearly feeling fed up with this. The DIL needs to have her time away from the baby and so her husband needs to facilitate this in anyway that he can.

I hope the DIL is going to return to work so that there can be some parity returned to their relationship. No one should be doing all the grunt work whilst the other one manages to escape it all.

I think the problem is their dynamic has your son working 9-5 and your DIL working 24/7. So while I think it's good that she felt she could say something to you I think she would be better placed using that honesty to work out a better balance with her husband.

Also as a parent you are allowed to want some time with your child no matter their age.

You seem very kind and you are clearly beating yourself up over this but I think you don't need to be so hard on yourself

I remember those days well. My husband working long hours and I was exhausted by the end of the week. Thankfully he was never out all Saturday as well as that would mean just 1 day's help over a fortnight.

He is extremely busy. Under pressure and time poor, his wife is lonely.
If DW goes back to work, his job won't get any easier but his home life will be harder, he'll be expected to muck in.
I remember being at home with DD, living far from family, waiting for him to come home help, chat, he'd be exhausted and sleeping early.
It was a very lonely time in my life.
DIL needs to find an outlet, use childcare a couple of days a week.

No not at all! I’ve been on and off of MN for years from before I was pregnant and there are some posters who get very angry when you say you’re a SAHM so if I ever mention it in response to someone else’s situation then I am prepared for someone to take umbridge. It’s silly really because I support working parents and stay at home parents but to put in a caveat isn’t really me defending stay at home parents.

I’m in two minds in this.

on the one hand your son is your son , and you are not being unreasonable to spend the day with him, regardless of the reasons.

on the other hand I can appreciate her feelings as being a sahm can be difficult and if on a weekend she was looking forward to him being a present parent and them spending time as a family that she would be pissed off.

i don’t think it’s the op’s responsibility to give her ‘time off’ from the family. And babysitting should be a gift rather than a given. It’s up to her dil and ds to arrange the family dynamics to ensure she gets time to be ‘her’ and not the op’s responsibility

Il be honest my mil says things like: dear love DH, so busy in work etc etc and it gives me rage as I also work and do majority of household tasks and everything for 3 kids , one with SEN . I would be livid if she invited him somewhere on a Saturday and also feel overlooked However and this is a big however .. I absolutely could not be comfortable to say this to her and she would take it terribly ( I know from experience) so I keep my mouth shut and thankfully my husband always corrects her or steers her towards seeing us as a family unit. So that’s great she obviously felt she could raise it, you’ve taken it on board and just be mindful of how you speak and treat them both going forward - great that you have taken a realistic and balance view of this and not been defensive or made the situation difficult, you sound like a good mum and mil!

Hold your head high! I've been a SAHM for a decade 😂 shamelessly. A good portion of my circle also are but not all.
My partner not even the father of my children (he passed away when pregnant with my now 8yo) and I solo raised until met my partner - with only help from my parents as kids dads family said it was too painful 🙄

I cook, bake, garden and crochet 😂 happily 😂

Edited to say kids dad's family as I put partner, partners family are lovely!

OP already babysits for them. This was her "odd night out" with her son.

I hope my post wasn’t part of the reason you felt you had to defend yourself. As I said, my other half is currently a SAHD and it’s a role I value deeply and contributes greatly to the family unit.

For the millionth time - that’s their choice.
She’s not some oppressed mother from the 1950’s .
She can leave the child with the father and go out herself.

DIL was objecting to Op taking out her son whilst not considering her. That’s unfair as Op does babysit for both of them anyway.

Yes she should care, and she obviously does or she wouldn't have posted here. But caring about her DIL doesn't mean she can't spend time with her son. And it doesn't mean that their issues are hers to fix.

Yes, you are BU.
They are a family.
I would be offering to help them as a couple by babysitter and being available for DIL sometime if she wants a break.
Your affection is one sided, it is bound to cause resentment.
Enjoy the odd night with your son too, be available for the 3 of them.

Yes I think you were thinking of yourself, spending time with your son. If he’s been really busy you either treat the whole family to something nice or babysit so they can go out together, taking him away for another 5 hours or so add to her burden and whilst I’m sure he had a good time, whether he genuinely wanted to go with you or went because you wanted him to is questionable.

I mentioned my looking for a job because SAHMs always get jumped on on here. I can’t find any work at the moment, I’m really struggling, but on MN there are never any valid reasons to be a SAHM unfortunately so I preempt potential responses if I say I am.

Some do, some don't. But it's probably a me problem. I just try to avoid conflict as I've experienced things getting out of hand very quickly, and nobody likes to see people unnecessarily upset. If I feel hurt or upset by other people's words or actions, I often let it go because I can make a hundred excuses in my head for it. Or I'll try to have a very reasonable non-confrontational conversation depending on person / situation. Probably attachment issues.....

I think it’s also important to say that being a SAHM is a perfectly valid choice, and not a choice in every case.

Hey @TheWisePearlRaven

I am a SAHM (trying to find a job before anyone jumps on me) who doesn’t have any support from parents or in laws. In my MIL said she was taking my DH out for the day I wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

You’re allowed to take your son out and spend the day with him if that was what you wanted to do. Potentially saying it’s because he is stressed might have been a bit tactless, but you don’t owe anything to anyone. I think it’s lovely that you have your Grandchild once a month for them and I think to demand that you should have taken them is a bit off. I think a lot of people have massive expectations of grandparents these days to be honest.

If you want to help her out a bit more then it sounds like she would really appreciate it, she does sound stressed. But you shouldn’t feel like taking your own child out for something and spending some one on one time with him is a bad thing. It’s up to him, as the child’s father, to facilitate that in return for his wife, not you.

That’s harsh. I think that the DIL did the right thing in speaking up, why is it that whenever women speak up they’re accused of having ‘ too much to say for themselves’? OP recognised her sons hard work and ignored her DIL. OP has recognised that and sounds like a good MIL to me. Hopefully they can move forward now everyone has been honest about their feelings, and let’s hope the husband looks after his child so that the DIL and her mother can have a spa day.

😂😂😂. I do the photo thing too.

My MIL once told me she stresses about putting an equal number of grandchildren photos in the house.
It is not an easy role!

When people on MNs say “hardest job in the world” I always think compared to what?!

I also think “to you maybe, not to everyone”!

When people on MNs say “hardest job in the world” I always think compared to what?!

I’ve had jobs that were easier and jobs that were much harder. Any job that pays enough to support a family isn’t going to be easy.

In a rush to defend SAHM (which I get) people undermine paid work.

omg why can't we have nice things WHERE IS THE LAUGHING EMOJI

😂😂😂