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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DD is ultra strict and judges my past

280 replies

crackofdawnearly · 07/06/2025 23:15

My DD is 21. She’s always be sensitive about me being anything other than her boring and safe mum and holding that ideal, which I’ve accepted and am in turn considerate of it as much as I can be. She has never liked knowing about going out clubbing when I was in my twenties or smoking or drinking. It’s not like I was wild, just a typical young person having a life, but it upsets her.

Tonight my DH and me were talking about the night we met and DH said something about my smoking back then and referenced the all night party I went to the following night. DD got upset again and stormed out the room. I went after her and we talked calmly for a bit about it and how she finds the thought of me partying upsetting and I gently tried to rationalise that I did exist before her and how I was was normal. It’s like she cannot accept I’m anything other than her mum. This shows itself in other areas too.

AIBU to think she should grow out of this?
or

AINBU and she needs to accept I’m more than her mum and was young once

OP posts:
Orderofthephoenixparody · 08/06/2025 16:37

TorroFerney · 08/06/2025 12:40

My mum has form for sharing really inappropriate stuff when i was a child and then older, like my dad mentioning his first holiday abroad and my mum saying "yes that's where your dad went with a prostitute" and on another occasion telling me aged 11 that the reason my dad liked a certain shellfish was because they reminded him of a womans vulva - and every one of her stories is ultra depressing as she had a fairly shit childhood then married my dad and had an affair.

I'd have loved to have the confidence to a) leave the room and b) ask my mum to stop it but I would have been made out to be the bad guy.

Mine are extreme and I know I am projecting what I heard as a younger person but is there any chance your stories are a bit too much for her?

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I rather your upbringing to mine.

Dishdelish · 08/06/2025 16:34

ShiningStar3 · 08/06/2025 16:25

That's not what I'm saying at all, I'm just tired of people throwing out the term neurodiversity as if that's the end of the issue when plenty of neurodiverse people are still capable of basic empathy and understanding and learning to be better people just like everyone else. It's demeaning and reductive.

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Very good points here.

ShiningStar3 · 08/06/2025 16:25

twigtree · 08/06/2025 16:16

You do realise everyone's experience of autism is different right? Just because you have autism does not mean you can judge someone else with autism.

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That's not what I'm saying at all, I'm just tired of people throwing out the term neurodiversity as if that's the end of the issue when plenty of neurodiverse people are still capable of basic empathy and understanding and learning to be better people just like everyone else. It's demeaning and reductive.

twigtree · 08/06/2025 16:16

ShiningStar3 · 08/06/2025 15:05

Even if she is neurodiverse it would only be a half explanation, not an excuse and I say that as an autistic person. She's being extremely self-centred.

You do realise everyone's experience of autism is different right? Just because you have autism does not mean you can judge someone else with autism.

twigtree · 08/06/2025 16:15

Cherrytree86 · 08/06/2025 15:32

@twigtree

no I don’t think they were a pair of drunks! I think they sound like a typical pair of uni students especially for those times.

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Still didn't answer my questions.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/06/2025 16:03

I would suggest autism here. Her behaviour is rigid and controlling. It’s not normal to be angry about a past that she can do nothing about (and that is part of the problem here). Can you gently suggest that she may be neurodivergent and ask her if she’d be willing to seek assessment?

Cherrytree86 · 08/06/2025 15:32

twigtree · 08/06/2025 14:54

You ignored both my questions.

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@twigtree

no I don’t think they were a pair of drunks! I think they sound like a typical pair of uni students especially for those times.

ShiningStar3 · 08/06/2025 15:05

Even if she is neurodiverse it would only be a half explanation, not an excuse and I say that as an autistic person. She's being extremely self-centred.

twigtree · 08/06/2025 14:54

Cherrytree86 · 08/06/2025 14:22

Were they drunk when they met? how do you know? Are you basing that on the fact that they were in a pub or because they’d enjoyed a good night out the night before? @twigtree

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You ignored both my questions.

Cherrytree86 · 08/06/2025 14:22

twigtree · 08/06/2025 14:08

Were they not a pair of drunks at the time?

Can you show me where a diagnosis took place? Since when did calling someone a drunk constitute a diagnosis?

Were they drunk when they met? how do you know? Are you basing that on the fact that they were in a pub or because they’d enjoyed a good night out the night before? @twigtree

twigtree · 08/06/2025 14:08

Were they not a pair of drunks at the time?

Can you show me where a diagnosis took place? Since when did calling someone a drunk constitute a diagnosis?

Cherrytree86 · 08/06/2025 14:05

twigtree · 08/06/2025 14:01

Where did I diagnose anybody lol?

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@twigtree

calling then “drunks”. Pulling an all nighter at uni or whatever does not make a person “a drunk”.

twigtree · 08/06/2025 14:01

Cherrytree86 · 08/06/2025 13:58

@twigtree

lol who do you think you are to diagnose this poster and his husband with alcoholism??

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Where did I diagnose anybody lol?

Cherrytree86 · 08/06/2025 13:58

twigtree · 08/06/2025 13:01

It is not the case that ND is neither here or there,

Your ignorance is showing.

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@twigtree

lol who do you think you are to diagnose this poster and his husband with alcoholism??

PenguinLover24 · 08/06/2025 13:35

twigtree · 08/06/2025 13:03

Just because you are ND and do not feel that way about your mum does not mean every other ND person must think like you 🙄

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I agree that we all do not think alike and we are all affected in different ways, but I just didn't want ND to be blamed.

Illegally18 · 08/06/2025 13:17

crackofdawnearly · 07/06/2025 23:20

That’s my thinking. This isn’t normal. I can’t get to the bottom of why it’s an issue. I’m not sure she even understands why.

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Yes, it's extraordinary behaviour.

SabrinaSt · 08/06/2025 13:08

In my (personal experience) of neurodiverse children and from what you are saying, it sounds like you are very much her ‘safe space’ and she finds it hard to imagine you as flawed or vulnerable or doing anything risky that makes you seem less safe and stable.

twigtree · 08/06/2025 13:07

Tina294 · 08/06/2025 13:06

From your first post I immediately thought ASD. If you go through all your posts you've literally listed every red flag in the book for what would have been diagnosed as Aspergers syndrome when that was still a thing. DS was diagnosed around secondary school age but girls are often even better at flying under the radar.

I wouldn't worry too much about her not wanting to hear about your past, just don't talk about it around her, I'm sure it's not really that hard! I would guess she probably just doesn't like to hear how you put yourself in what she might consider 'dangerous' situations or doing things that were bad for you - probably because she loves you so much and wants you to be around forever!

Please don't tell her to get a grip or any of those other horrible things from people who don't have a clue about ASD.

The amount of ignorance by some posters here is truly shocking and disgusting.

twigtree · 08/06/2025 13:07

Redrosesposies · 08/06/2025 11:27

Can't believe I'm actually reading this fgs. Tell her to bloody grow up. How on earth is she actually going to function in the real world if she can't even deal with something like this without getting upset?

Try reading all of OPs posts fgs. It is not hard. How do you function in the real world if you can't even read the OPs posts without being all judgy and ignorant?

Tina294 · 08/06/2025 13:06

From your first post I immediately thought ASD. If you go through all your posts you've literally listed every red flag in the book for what would have been diagnosed as Aspergers syndrome when that was still a thing. DS was diagnosed around secondary school age but girls are often even better at flying under the radar.

I wouldn't worry too much about her not wanting to hear about your past, just don't talk about it around her, I'm sure it's not really that hard! I would guess she probably just doesn't like to hear how you put yourself in what she might consider 'dangerous' situations or doing things that were bad for you - probably because she loves you so much and wants you to be around forever!

Please don't tell her to get a grip or any of those other horrible things from people who don't have a clue about ASD.

loopylalalu · 08/06/2025 13:06

twigtree · 08/06/2025 13:04

You sound really ignorant.

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Thank you.

twigtree · 08/06/2025 13:04

loopylalalu · 08/06/2025 12:25

She needs to grow the fuck up.
Stop hushing after her and sweet talking.
You had a good few party years and you have a past you had a bannging time.
Id ask her are you jealous because your bloody acting it.
And not everything as to be linked to some sort of SEN.

You sound really ignorant.

twigtree · 08/06/2025 13:03

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Just because you are ND and do not feel that way about your mum does not mean every other ND person must think like you 🙄

twigtree · 08/06/2025 13:02

Vaglodger · 08/06/2025 10:52

I am ND. Now what?

being ND is not an excuse to control your mothers life.

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Nobody says it was 🙄

But it does mean a more different tailored approach can be helpful.

Goldenbear · 08/06/2025 13:02

No not now.