To be upset that a woman is sending DH these messages?

Oh god don't take any of the advice on here about what to say to her. You'll sound ridiculous.

At the get together put on your best public persona, smile alot and hold your head high, when the opportunity arises say to her "The message you sent to my husband was so cute I don't know why he rolls his eyes everytime you message."
That will tell her that you see her messages and they are not appreciated (all be it by you!)😂

I would be more relaxed after his response .
However her messages were not only inappropriate but very weird so if I were your DH I would try to put boundaries in place asap as she sounded a bit unhinged. Does he want a lot of drama on the workplace? I guess not.

No, his priority should not be her feelings.

That's how paranoid, controlling and abusive partners work.

Feelings aren't facts. OP needs to deal with her feelings and paranoia, not expecting her DP or God forbid, the woman who texted him, to do what she wants because she's irrationally upset and paranoid.

I think it’s very concerning that you think he would take her side. His priority should be your feelings.

There really isn’t anything you can actually do. It’s all fine and well saying to this or do that, but at the end of the day you either have had the luck to marry a decent person or the bad luck to marry someone inclined to stray. It’s impossible to be sure which you have, unless for some unfathomable reason you chase married men in which case it’s just a case of water finding its own level.

She can’t take him away from you unless he’s willing to be taken, so don’t focus your ire on her.

Go along to the work thing and see how the body language looks. Think about getting your ducks in a row.

I guess you will get a better feel for things after the social op.

I can 100% see myself writing this message for one of my female colleagues - we work in a very distressing role and literally get each other through it. Did the message come with a work meme?
however if I ever message a male who I work with (not that I have much reason to) I would put something like “mate / bud” on the end to firmly place it on the platonic register. would never send a x and would keep work related

i don’t think this message has come
from nowhere - she must think it’s appropriate

I think meet her but tell your husband it has to stop. If he texting back he is as bad. There should be better boundaries with this.

That would come across as nannying DH or even controlling his interactions. He has to deal with it himself. Whether or not he does, and how he does it will be instructive. I wouldn't show my hand to this woman, or appear to undermine DH.

I kind of agree op that there is a difference between “was great working with you” and “ don’t know how I’d get through the days at work without you” etc.

Its all very “ you are my sine qua non, my without which nothing, my raison d’etre” ( <<sings: 🎤 Yoooou, you light 💡 up my life …”).
There’s appreciative messages then there’s gush.

Oh God don't do this.

At best OP would look controlling, at worst, demented and possibly abusive.

I’m a gay woman and I might send a message like that to a male or female colleague at the end of a project if it had been tough gig. Working with someone who makes life easier when you are ploughing through shit should be recognised and appreciated. However any other message I sent would be much more neutral.

She's probably one of them that is just over the top with everything and everyone.
I've meet a few like this.
So best see her first before you jump from the puddle to the river.
I have a neighbour like her soooo over the bloody top no need for it but its just how she is.
You could wear a bin bag and she will be all over it.
Its great wow amazing it really brings you colour out bla bla bla.
Or just walk to the mail box omg your full of energy i love seeing you it makes my day.
Shes like this with everyone.
God if she sees a child skip jump hop etc it worse really loud thats amazing your the best ive ever seen you deserve a reward.
Your so clever bla bla bla.
Lovely lady but way way waaaayyyyy over the top.

Edited to add my eldest son is the same.
Walk out my room and he'll say mae go back in and come back out.
Do as he said and get omg you look amazing are you going to the red carpet avent no love im doing the washing.

If you’re getting the opportunity to meet her make sure you get a moment to quietly tell her you have seen the messages and that you want them to stop, that there’s no need for her to message dh out of work hours and she needs to take a huge step back and remain professional. Be calm, firm and direct. Of course I’d also be having a serious conversation with dh too as he won’t be entirely innocent in all this. Basically don’t be a doormat . If there’s something going on you can’t stop it but you can make your position clear and your zero tolerance threshold for bullshit well communicated.

Potentially more your problem, my hubby has 2 mild autistic colleagues/mates he's worked with for years they are very gushy and I couldn't care less, I know it means nothing and it's the way they speak all lovey dovey and he never replies back in the same vein just matey back. Not everyone all lovey dovey is actually that way you know as in want your hubby in bed lol

Wouldn't bother me.

I've had similar messages from male married colleagues and I didn't assume they wanted an affair.

Or be inclined to have one even if it did.

There have been a few very similar threads lately. If you have a look op you will get extra feedback.

In short, his workmate Brian wouldn’t be texting that now would he.

What are his responses to these messages, OP? Either way he’s at the very least allowing this type of communication so it doesn’t look good. I suspect he’s actively encouraging it too.

I worked with someone once who I really enjoyed working with, we got on so well, he made me laugh all the time, occasionally socialised outside work but I would never, ever have contacted him outside of work to tell him that, particularly as he was married, I think that is massively inappropriate.

At the social I would casually drop into conversation with her and her DH how
'it would be so much better for family time if communications from work colleagues stayed in appropriate work time so they didn't interfere with the family dynamic, don't you agree?'

Yikes, that’s well out of order. This needs nipping in the bud before it becomes something else. Totally inappropriate behaviour. Wonder if her husband knows/what he thinks.. Suss her out at the social event, and hopefully the husband is there too. Either way you need a serious talk with your husband about knocking this on the head right now. If he doesn’t see that, he is part of the problem (if he isn’t already..)

Paranoia?