Cancelling a day out due to misbehaviour.

If this incident had happened after the day out, what would the consequence have been?

I agree with a consequence, I agree it should be immediate, especially at that age. But you aren't able to maintain consistency with consequences when you jump to the biggest thing you could come up with.

Also, if you choose to have further children in the future would all children be punished by not being allowed to attend due to one child's actions? That will build resentment between siblings.

I think you and your partner need to work on a plan for consequences that you both agree with. One can't override on decisions, especially when ti affects the family missing the day out. Resentment will build in your relationship without communication and compromise as consequences and managing behaviour isn't going away.

If you always go for the biggest consequence you can think of that will affect that child, you aren't being stable and consistent. You will affect the connection/bond between you as you seem to have purposely chose the one thing that would upset your child. Almost like going for the jugular...

@survivalinsufficient i don’t like the idea of strict because it seems you are being judgmental of others who aren’t and who parent differently from you and frankly seem to be judging parenting of those who aren’t.

For me and how I parent it is about understanding how your behaviour affects others probably understanding why please and thank you and manners are important and not simply said as a platitude but also recognising that sometimes emotions happen, sometimes accidents happen and sometimes a 3 year old doesn’t have the understanding that you think they do

did you ask him why he threw it? We know he did but why did it

I think cancelling a whole day is too large a consequence for a 3 year old. They are very here and now. I’d go for trying to make them understand and doing something immediate and v short term, if anything

I absolutely agree that throwing a mug of tea at someone deserves a big consequence! No, they shouldn't go and have a lovely time out after hurting someone. It is doing children a disservice to say that they cannot understand hurting people is wrong! I teach and thank any parent that gives out consequences for behaviour. Honestly. They grow up fast, and down the line children whose bad behaviour is ignored or excused often do not reach their potential.
Having high expectations doesn't have to mean being shouty or that you never have fun or praise your child. In fact it's imperative you do, often! Speak with your child afterwards and encourage him to do better, and then move on. Fresh day and all that.

I don't think you did the wrong thing. Though sometimes it is helpful to step back and evaluate how you're interacting and making sure you're not missing something that's troubling them generally. Bigger picture and all that. It's a long game!

Editted for clarity.

He should've had consequences that didn't affect others, he should've apologised for a start and missed something important to him. The day out wasn't even child focused and "he would've been spoiled", well that's the bit you stop not the whole day.

Have you tried a reward system? DS has had a marble jar for years now, the things he gets marbles for have changed over the years, they started with things like being still while we brushed his teeth! When the jar is full he gets a small prize (it takes a little while) it's motivational, visual and marbles can be lost as well as earned.

I'm surprised at how people think that throwing a cup with liquid in it over an adult for no good reason is normal behaviour in a three year old. I've never seen the like and my child was no saint.

Stupid consequence for a child of 3.5, I doubt they gave a damn about the day out with family tbf.

I would have done the same. If either of mine at that age had thrown a mug at someone, they would not have gone on a day out.

I am appalled by some of these posts. DS 2 when about 4 kicked out in anger in a restaurant and kicked my DSM. I pulled his chair back, grabbed him, and took him out to the car. We sat there for about thirty minutes while we had a ‘discussion’. I took him back in when he had calmed down to apologise.

If we had been out near our home I would have driven him home.

Complete overreaction on your part and you’re setting yourself up for years of battles over behaviour. Of course there should have been some consequence for the behaviour but cancelling the whole day out is a step too far.

Everyone saying you’re expecting too much from a 3 (nearly4!) year old-think expecting a child of this age to not throw drinks at someone is a pretty low bar?!
I’m with you OP, I would have spoken to DC first obviously but if they are absolutely refusing to apologise can see how you would end up having to cancel activity. I also think it’s a totally natural consequence that if you have treated someone unkindly (and haven’t made it right by apologising) then you won’t be able to have this nice planned time with them.

I agree with this and with Parent A. If the child had apologized I would have let him go on the day out. The fact he refused to despite knowing he is in the wrong is the worst bit. Why does he then deserve fun time?
and I fail to see the fuss about the impact on the rest of the group who still got to go, just without a naughty pre schooler in a bad mood among them

I think you are expecting a degree of emotional regulation from a 3 year old that is unreasonable. Hes barely out of toddler stage. You brought him into a busy house of relatives, all full of anticipation and pressure. Was he in a bad mood?
You dont have to be inflexible and strict to have a well behaved child. Hopefully you want him to learn how to calm down and be polite in these situations, not just be scared of getting in trouble for getting angry.
You think your kid has problem behaviour for throwing a cup at 3yrs old, but look at your overreaction to it and how your behaviour has punished a lot more people, and now everyone is fighting.

Noone at any point suggested no consequences. Just that this was an excessive consequence.

I think op, in this instance you need to step back from this a little in order to protect your relationship with your partner as well as with your child.

Obviously your partner has backed you in public and seems loyal to you in that respect from the little we know of them, but it sounds from what you're saying, that you maybe sometimes feel you know best and will act accordingly but doesn't that kind of shut down your co-parent when you're meant to be doing this together? If everyone around you is unanimously telling you this is OK and it's part of the journey of raising toddlers (and I do get it I'm in the thick of it too and it's a lot) then it's maybe worth considering why are you finding it so hard to accept? Were you raised in a strict way? I think you need to be really careful you don't place too much pressure on your child to be perfect because how we act when our kids make mistakes is the crux of our parenting and is the deciding factor in whether or not they are open and come to us if they're in trouble later.

Your child may be very bright and I'm sure they are as you seem like a very invested and caring parent, but there's a big difference in being bright for their age and in physical brain development. What you're expecting is behaviour that comes from a physical part of the brain that your child's body won't have fully created yet.

Plus, when you look at the behaviour itself and the circumstances, is it possible your child got over excited/overwhelmed seeing all these people they like to see all together in a new exciting place with lots of things happening? Kids will lash out when they feel those feelings and don't know how to handle them. Small consequences, trying to understand the why behind the behaviour and giving alternatives (eg we don't throw things but if your body feels really excited you can jump up and down lots instead or run in a circle let's practice) and being consistent with it will help.

I think it was a badly chosen consequence. It impacted several other people, so not a fair thing to choose. Something like not getting a promised treat at the day out would be more appropriate - or anything similar that only impacted the child.

Going out for the day would also help the child run off some excess energy!

So you would gave cancelled a day out with your partners family without giving your partner any say in the matter? You need to work as a team with your partner and be more realistic about what your child can do. If your child does have some kind of underlying problem, you wont solve it with over the top punishments

I feel sympathy for both of you, as I do feel you overreacted but I also know what it’s like to feel so appalled by the creative ways our children have of driving us insane that we have to MAKE IT STOP! I also think it’s likely that you, like many of us, were raised in a way that used a lot of shame to control our behaviour, and so our responses to things like this can be from a very triggered place of our own early experiences.

I agree with others that this stuff is normal and while your boy is bright and knows he shouldn’t do that, the impulse control required to stop himself throwing when he felt the need (why did he? Was there anger at grandad or more likely just a curious thing?) is not there at that age. Plus apologising with remorse- I think my 6yr old is only just getting her head round that. Again, being told off and forced to apologise in the immediate aftermath of an incident where all the adults are upset, probably feels quite shaming and in order to have any sense of power, he digs his heels in. Not pathological but immature.

I’m not sure what consequence I’d give for that, I agree there should be something, certainly making him help clean up the mess. And I’d expect him to apologise but perhaps a bit later when he’s more regulated. One thing between DH and I is we’d never give a consequence that was going to negatively affect the other, without discussing first. Like DH wouldn’t stop tv time when I’m the one looking after them and need them occupied for half an hr while I do a job etc. In future take a moment to have a word before issuing auch a nuclear option.

You are still massively expecting too much for a near 4 year old. Yiu are making them a teenager

but you made a unilateral decision and didn’t consult and it affected everyone and you are still doubling down

You overreacted. You could have had a quick chat about why it was wrong etc and had the day out. Saying your child is bright means nothing, he’s still 3.5

You seem to have a very black and white view and your expectations are not realistic. As someone said above there’s a big difference between knowing its wrong, understanding why its wrong and being able to control the behaviour.

was it your parents or your partners? If your partners then you have massively over stepped and im not surprised they are furious.