Cancelling a day out due to misbehaviour.

DC sounds reasonably articulate and is aware they did wrong... so have you asked them why they did this?

Well, that was a very rude response!

You are expressing an unfounded view. There's plenty of factual information available about normal development of young children.

But, since you jumped straight to insulting me, I assume you already know you're incorrect and are trying to avoid a debate.

Your comprehension skills are somewhat lacking. The drink was cold but was thrown alone with the cup.

I've noticed that even babies can deliberately hurt when they are angry, so I doubt a child who is nearly is so profoundly ignorant

The child deliberately picked up the tea and poured it over grandad?! In that case yes actually I would have been furious and cancelled the day out. 3.5 is old enough to know that’s not acceptable.

Surely it's up to grandpa if he wants the 3 year old to be wiping his legs. I'd only be open to doing that if he was comfortable.

This is a perfect response. Cause and effect consequences.

Also, you seem to think that disciplining a child means “what can I do that will upset them the most so they ‘learn’”, which is pretty sad.

What would the consequences have been if he had physically attacked your dad and left him bruised or bleeding? Or if he’d thrown the mug at his head and concussed him? Or if he’d destroyed every soft furnishing in the room?

If you’re using the worst level punishment you can think of in the moment for any misbehaviour, you’re not going to be effective at all. Why should your child behave themselves at all if a relatively minor impulsive action gets the same nuclear response as an all out horrific one? “Might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb” is an expression for a reason.

Also when you insist children apologise they can often feel backed into a corner and stubborn and won’t do it. They absolutely should apologise but at 3 I would model apologising and show the child how we should behave. “When you have hurt someone we need to say sorry. I’m so sorry grandad. What can we get grandad to help him feel better?”

You majorly overreacted and I’m not surprised your husband is annoyed. Were they your parents or his coming over, as that could make you even more unreasonable.

Reasonable consequences would have been making them help clean up or putting them in a brief time out to calm their emotions before you went out. His action was clearly for attention and you played right into his hands, when you should instead have focussed on helping grandad, really emphasising that your child’s action had hurt or upset someone else.

If you insist on giving “strict” consequences, you should have said he wouldn’t get a treat while you were out or he doesn’t get to choose the music in the car. Something he’ll care about but not something that would ruin everyone’s day. Those consequences would still be silly (because at 3.5 they don’t really link a naughty action to an unrelated punishment) but better than what you did.

I would be incredible shocked if a 3.5yr old deliberately did this on purpose! They know at that age how dangerous that is and would make a big mess.
I agree with the poster that said I wouldn’t have cancelled the day as that negatively impacts others and isn’t directly related to the incident.

I think I would be working massively on their empathy skills - making a big fuss of grandad, running leg under water to check not burnt, asking if he’s ok, to teach child how scary and dangerous it was. Speaking very sternly about what the impact of his actions were and could have been. Going back to closed lid cups for child for a few days and then saying here’s an open cup can you use it sensibly? Showing child about hot - the hot tap, hot food, hot drinks and explaining what could happen if you touch it - it would hurt, could hurt someone…
If this didn’t work long term and he kept doing things like this then there would definitely be something else going on here with that child to look into.

I think that you don't have a brilliant understanding of child development if you think a 3.5 yo has a full of understanding, of course they don't! Their brain isn't anything like an adult's brain.

The fact that a 3.5 yo can understand and articulate what you want them to do is a different skill from being able to restrain their impulse in the moment.

I think the person at fault is whoever left a hot drink where it could be accessed, and cancelling a day out will not change anything. I also think it was very rude to the extended family.

But you seem to think that your child has behavioural problems that are above what is typical of a child his age. So either your way of parenting isn’t effective or your child is behaving in a manner typical for his age.

@survivalinsufficient you have been accused of being strict because you are.
The consequences aren’t logical. I also have a bright child the same age, I know it’s very hard work but some of your ideas about conformity are setting everyone up to fail.

A child can be really intelligent but is still a child with poor impulse control. In my family circle I see people equate intelligence with ‘should know better’ when maturity is a different thing. It’s why my own mother resisted strongly when school tried to move one of us up a year.

So the consequence of throwing things is missing a day out… well, what if there isn’t a day out ahead? What’s the consequence? The natural consequence of throwing is that people get hurt and property is damaged. So that’s what he needs to understand. Don’t punish the emotion, punish the action of throwing by making the consequences (hurt grandad) very explicit.

It’s obvious that it’s Parent A who started this thread 😂.

You can raise a well behaved child without such dramatic punishments.

Your child is 3.5. A telling off and a 10 min punishment seem like a big deal to a 3.5 year old. Personally what I would have done was knelt down at the child’s level and using a firm (and scandalised lol) but not shouty voice said “you have just poured tea all over grandad. That is not a kind or sensible thing to do. Now poor grandad is wet and his clothes are all dirty. Is that how we treat our family? Yes or no?” (Get child to say no so they are verbalising that this is not acceptable behaviour). “You are going to go to your room and think about your behaviour while I help grandad clean up” (put child in room for what is effectively a time out. If they come out before you get them then put them back in there. After 5 mins go into the room “grandad is cleaned up now and is feeling a bit better. I would like you to come out and say sorry to him. If you don’t say sorry to him you will not be getting (insert something fun / treat like that would have happened on the outing or later that day).”

a bit later in the day once emotions have calmed down and child has had time to reflect, perhaps when you arrive at wherever you go out, turn to your child and reiterate the behaviour that happened earlier with something like “I expect good behaviour on this outing. Remember what happened earlier with the tea on grandad. If I see bad behaviour on this trip you will not be getting (insert whatever fun or treat like thing you said earlier). Do you understand?” (Wait for a nod or “yes”). Then say something to lighten the mood like “good, because it’s going to be such a fun trip with all these people that love you. And I know you’re a lovely boy, that’s why when you threw the tea on grandad it surprised me because you don’t normally do things like that.”

i don’t let my child think they are a naughty child or that is how they will behave. Only that they made a mistake that they won’t make again. I also don’t do big punishments at that kind of age because it is overkill, the kid gets into a negative cycle of thought that goes on all day, and something that was probably a thoughtless action (rather than a mean / deliberately naughty action) defines them for a long period of time. Keep it clear that was not acceptable, but also breezy so it doesn’t bog down the child. They learn and move on.

You’re not. I’d have been appalled if you had just carried on with the day as though nothing had happened.

I'll probably get flamed for this as parenting these days is weak and there's always an excuse for everything.

You did 1000% the right thing. Your child is 3.5. They know what they did was wrong. They refused to apologise. They got a consequence.

Why is setting clear boundaries and consequences seen as such a bad thing or overkill! Your child hasn't been hurt, they are still loved and safe, but they know that it's not acceptable behaviour.

My DC is now almost 7 and is mostly(!!) a delightful child. Loved, secure, but knowing what is acceptable and that if they push it too far that there will be consequences.

In contrast their bestie the other day (accidentally) walloped my partner in the balls so he was doubled over in pain, parents said to say sorry and they refused, then 5 mins later were being given a chocolate bar. Just one example of a pattern of behaviour I see constantly where parents don't parent.

So I'm totally with you.

he was probably overwhelmed by the company

the consequence doesn’t match the behaviour .

My D’s has adhd so cancelling behaviours which meant he stayed home was a punishment for everyone .

short punishments / consequences are far more effective .

Yes you do need to teach children right from wrong .

people get tied up with the word sorry . When actually what else could you have done made them clean it up , not the broken cup obviously , rub it better , give a hug if it’s an adult they do hug .

what happened with your day ? You went home - you argued by virtue they are 3 will have played and you ruined your day .

you also both need to have a conversation about parenting - you both need to agree because there is a middle ground between positive parenting and completely authoritarian.

How his behaviour normally in biggish groups and does he like seeing his grandad?

The fact that it is a pattern

both of mine were in different ways hard work at that age but picking up and throwing a cup of tea at someone is quite a deliberate act and refusing to apologise is on the extreme side that I would want to know why

Op says it's recent behaviour so possibly too early to tell, but given the other parents reaction I'm assuming this is probably the first time a punishment like this has happened.

I still believe op was absolutely right based off info given and the other parent sounds like a drip.

I don't think it's an appropriate consequence for the child's age and it ruined it for tje rest of the family. What would the consequence of been of there were other children that the day would have been spoilt for or if this happened before a family holiday?

my hv told us not to be so ready with the word No,
there are other techniques.

and i agree the punishment was too late, it should have been immediate.

But did he/ will he learn from it is the question. The op suggests this is a pattern of behaviour that isn't being remedied by consequences such as the one used.