To tell DD I love her in front of DSDs?

I have a four year old and I don’t tell him I love him all that often. In all honesty I think it can become meaningless and lose its value and purpose. Given the age difference I don’t think it’s necessarily unreasonable but it could quite easily come over as something unspoken as well as spoken and that’s the part I’d be sensitive about.

If you feel that you do actually love your DSDs but it feels awkward to say it to them for the first time, then look for opportunities to work it into a longer sentence where it isn't the focus, eg when there's a disagreement about something you can say "your father and I both love you dearly and want what's best for you but we are concerned that..." (continuing to explain your position on whatever the disagreement is). And try to have a conversation later about how positive you feel about how they are now part of your family although you understand that you aren't their actual mum, you still feel maternally towards them, and that affection doesn't detract from or lessen the love between them and their actual mum because there's no such thing as too much love.

My mum has never said the words "I love you" to me, but I know without a doubt that she does because of her actions. The words aren't the key part of that bond.

Agree.
Op makes it sound a bit performative, really, rather than something that happens organically.

Same for me, I know my parents love me but they didn't really say it. We have a good relationship but I don't remember them particularly warmly. I tell my DCs all the time- if anything I worry they'll remember me as a bit cringe 😂

I tell my dog loads of times a day that I love him- cos I do !
and same with DD !

if I had step kids, and they were a part of my life, I like to think I would grow to love them and tell them, as a significant adult figure in their lives that I value care, and love them -

maybe the weird vibe is not that u are telling their step sibling that you love them
but that you don’t communicate this to them … ?

It's not sad at all - do you think your children feel more 'loved' because you say it 10 times a day? I think when it's overused it loses all meaning - it's just something you say, it's performative. My parents didn't say it all the time but I felt very loved and never doubted that they loved me.

I'd say it depends on the situation. I was nearly 19 when I first met my step mum. Would have been weird her telling me she loved me. Nearly 20 years on she doesn't. However I did see her notibly relex the once when we were talking about my children. I mentioned that they were her grandchildren because although she weren't my mum she'd been in my life for so long that she was a large part of my life. I wonder if she always felt worried about overstepping the boundary.

In your situation if you tell DD that you love her in earshot of the DSD I'd then mention that you love all of your family including the bonus ones. What they do with that is their choice but if they have any inner worries about their family situation then it can allay them without directly being told and it being awkward.

Keep modelling healthy loving parenting. One say they will have children and may be better equipped as a result.

Model healthy arguing and discipline as well!

Well, there's your answer then!

I wouldn’t. It’s cold and insensitive. Presumably you have plenty of opportunity to tell your child you love her when not in earshot of her older siblings.
Honestly, how could any adult with self-awareness and empathy not see this?

Seems abit robotic to only say at bedtime or drop off. Sometimes I just look at my kids and say “ooh I love you so much” don’t need to wait until they’re falling asleep like it’s scheduled!

Bloody hell, how sad. I tell my kids I love them probably ten times a day. Not in an exaggerated way, big declarations or anything but I can’t help but tell them to be honest. OTT??? Not at all.

I don’t think it’s an issue but I don’t see why you are feeling the need to keep telling her anyway surely it’s the sort of thing that comes up at bedtime - goodnight , love you or dropping off at school / nursery . If you are saying it regularly in front of your step children it really is just enforcing to them that you don’t love them which does seem a bit mean .

I tell my dsd that I love her, because I do. I’ve put the work into knowing her better and building that love, she says it to me too.i understand not saying it if you don’t feel it, but I don’t understand not trying to build it.

I suspect, if they don't get told it alot with their own Mum, there's probably a twinge of jealousy and resentment that their sister gets to hear it alot, or maybe they feel like they're having their face rubbed in it? Does your DH express his love to yous DSDs frequently? Xx

Maybe they just need to be told more often they are also loved. Maybe not by you but DH maybe needs to step it up. Xx

Does their dad tell them?

I don't think it's anything more than a statement of fact. It may well make them notice they're not getting it from their mum. But perhaps you're modelling a way of mothering that they might emulate when they're older.

I think next time I would have to say I count myself so lucky to have three girls in my life that I really love. Otherwise given the way their mother is I think it's a bit mean to say something so nice to your daughter when there is an absence of anyone saying something similar to them.

I really feel for those girls. Is your husband affectionate with them?

@Cooktop64 hopefully their Dad, at least, tells his girls he loves them both.

I grew up in a household where it was said occasionally, such as bedtime but not multiple times a day - we knew we were loved fiercely by our parents though - through their actions not just words. They were very physically affectionate. I just think if it's overused it just becomes something you say and loses all meaning really.

Is there a limit to this? I tell ds frequently throughout the day. I grew up in a house where it was never said so I want to make sure ds grows up never questioning it. I imagine it's the type of thing that's better said too much than too little.

I think it's a bit OTT to be telling your 4 year old you love her multiple times a day 😳 maybe your DSDs think it's a bit odd too? I would say 'bye darling, love you, have a good day' when dropping them off at school and 'night night, love you' when kissing them goodnight but I didn't tell my kids I loved them multiple times every day!

Even if I feel that way? Do you love them or not?

That’s the question. It took time for me to tell DSS that I loved him and I did it in such a way that I was clear that he didn’t need to say it back if he wasn’t ready. But if you love them, you love them, so tell them?

I tell my DDs more, because when they are tiny you say you love them regularly to reassure them and now they say they love me all the time so I say it back.

But I love my DSS and of course I tell him and I don’t feel anyway about telling my DDs I love them in front of him as a result.