To tell DD I love her in front of DSDs?

‘Warm feelings’ is a long way from love. I’m sure your step daughter’s are aware of your feelings towards them. Tell your DD you love her in front of them but you need to accept that there will be awkwardness from the two children who know you will never and have never loved them.

Even if they were all your biological children I'd still expect you say it to the 4yr old much more than the others because that's what 4 years olds need to hear. They tend to endlessly tell their Mums how much they love them so there are so many more opportunities for the Mums to say it back. Many parents say I love you dropping 4 yr olds off at preschool (where I work) but its not usual to tell a 18 year old this on a daily basis. So no i don't think YABU but maybe once in a while say something loving towards the DSDs too so they know you feel it.

Of course it’s fine! She’s four and she’s your dd!

Agreeing people are different is totally right. Judging and calling it a bit performative though is a dick move. It’s not performative, it’s just not what you do or what you find comfortable.

It’s not necessarily OP being mean by not saying it to them- they might not be receptive to it and it might make them feel really awkward and that they have to say it back. Saying it directly to them might make the situation worse if it makes them feel uncomfortable.

I like the Pps suggestion that said to let them know how much you care for them too OP as opposed to directly saying ‘I love you’ which might cause awkwardness and uncomfortableness

For heaven's sake, just tell them all you love them.

You'll be their step mum for a really long time, you have limited time to build a relationship. Just tell them. They don't have to love you back or be comfortable enough to say it first time round.
Would it be awful to be generous towards them in this regard?

if the older girls aren’t used to hearing it then the awkward energy in the room probably isn’t them feeling left out but just awkward at hearing a declaration of love aloud as they haven’t grown up hearing it. To them, it might feel odd or OTT whereas to you and dd its perfectly natural.

perhaps you could try doing a 'joint' one to test the waters, in a situation where you're talking to all three of them
e.g. when they're/you're going to bed 'night girls, love you.' or when they're going to school 'Have a nice day all, love you,' or 'bye girls, love you.'
bright and breezy tone so you aren't accused of being "performative" 🙄

Me and my 6 year old DD tell each other we love each other and give each other cuddles all the time. There really is no hidden meaning behind it eg to be performative. I find it strange that you and others are overthinking it so much.

I just wanted to offer my daughter's perspective on this. She is 18 and has talked frequently over the years of hearing her stepmother say this to her own children in front of her , but not to my daughter. It's hurt her deeply, even though she can rationalise it also. I get it from your point of view - that it doesn't feel natural etc but I agree with other posters that it would be best to actually own it or address it rather than leave it unacknowledged.

You won’t say if you actually love you step daughters after being in their lives for 7 years. I suspect you don’t and they know this. No wonder it’s awkward.

@tinyspinyok. Defo performative 😂

@whatcanthematterbe81 well I’m not alone on this post in thinking that it’s a bit performative to be saying I love you multiple times a day so we will have to accept that people are different .

@tinyspinyi show them and tell them. It’s really quite normal 😳

That’s not quite what I meant as obviously you can randomly say it at other times but it does seem a bit much to be saying it multiple times a day surely you show people you love them you don’t need to actually say it . Sounds like the OP doesn’t say it or show it to the step children .

I 100% agree Endofyear. People often say it to hear it back, forcing the interaction. You can not say it but show it in many ways, I think it's far better that people feel secure and loved than hear meaningless words. I work in a call centre and people often say I love you at the end of the call as they are on automatic pilot. It's hardly a meaningful phrase then.

I’m the complete opposite of you and very happy to tell my children multiple times a day that I love them. ❤️😊

You should be able to tell your biological daughter that you love her whenever you want.

Do you not love your step sons? Just say it! You could address the room first ' I love all of you guys so much' etc to ease yourself in....

This. Coupled by your actions and attitude towards them. They will know if you love them.

Keep doing it OP. It’s important the DSDs grow up knowing that this is normal and they don’t model cold hearted when and if they become parents themselves.

I would just probably say “and just so you know I love you both too” rather than saying I care about you a lot. To me that feels like it could be the relative version of friend zoning.

If you feel you so love them, it’s ok to say it.

I’m a needy kid who grew up in a house where I wasn’t loved (it was said occasionally but surrounded by abuse) so I just think it’s a positive thing when genuinely meant.

I’d say tell your daughter and your step daughters you love them all as often as you can. It can only do good. For your step daughters to hear it will mean so much esp if birth mother is a bit rubbish. Sound like they need to hear it more.