To tell DD I love her in front of DSDs?

Cooktop64 · 2025-06-07T19:15:07+00:00

Hi. I’m probably gonna get flamed for this, but that’s okay. DSDs are 17 and 18; I’ve known them since they were 10 and 11. DD is 4. We don’t spend a tonne of time all together, but we’ll do holidays, the occasional dinner out or movie, etc. I haven’t had a close enough relationship with DSDs in order to feel it’s appropriate to tell them I love them (even if I feel that way), but I tell DD I love her multiple times a day. Is it totally wrong to tell DD I love her in the presence of DSDs, in this situation? I’ve done it a few times without thinking and it’s been awkward.

Guavafish1 · 10/06/2025 04:25

No

Original poster

Cooktop64 · 10/06/2025 03:48

MiddleClassProblem · 09/06/2025 22:14

Yes it is. The “I always felt warm feelings towards them” was about the early years meaning OP felt affection for them the whole time but not loving feelings until later on which they then said quite clearly by saying that they feel love NOW. To which you asked if it was warm feelings or love. Clearly NOW is love.

Very tiresome indeed. No point in trying to explain that one again because if you don’t get it NOW, you never will.

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This. Thank you

OP posts:

Katemax82 · 09/06/2025 22:57

Endofyear · 07/06/2025 23:12

I think it's a bit OTT to be telling your 4 year old you love her multiple times a day 😳 maybe your DSDs think it's a bit odd too? I would say 'bye darling, love you, have a good day' when dropping them off at school and 'night night, love you' when kissing them goodnight but I didn't tell my kids I loved them multiple times every day!

I tell my kids I love them all the time!

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 22:16

MiddleClassProblem · 09/06/2025 22:14

Yes it is. The “I always felt warm feelings towards them” was about the early years meaning OP felt affection for them the whole time but not loving feelings until later on which they then said quite clearly by saying that they feel love NOW. To which you asked if it was warm feelings or love. Clearly NOW is love.

Very tiresome indeed. No point in trying to explain that one again because if you don’t get it NOW, you never will.

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Jesus Wept, I get it I just don’t agree with you.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/06/2025 22:14

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 22:05

My first post questioning her ‘love’ was yesterday which resulted in her stating she had ‘warm feelings’ and then later stating she loved them AFTER I initially responded.

This is getting tiresome.

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Yes it is. The “I always felt warm feelings towards them” was about the early years meaning OP felt affection for them the whole time but not loving feelings until later on which they then said quite clearly by saying that they feel love NOW. To which you asked if it was warm feelings or love. Clearly NOW is love.

Very tiresome indeed. No point in trying to explain that one again because if you don’t get it NOW, you never will.

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 22:05

MiddleClassProblem · 09/06/2025 21:58

It was before you asked if she loved them or had warm feelings. OP said that they always had warm feelings but now they feel love for them and you the asked which one was it 5 hours later.

I’m not sure what you are not seeing.

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My first post questioning her ‘love’ was yesterday which resulted in her stating she had ‘warm feelings’ and then later stating she loved them AFTER I initially responded.

This is getting tiresome.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/06/2025 21:58

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 21:55

And said AFTER I initially responded. She also said she had warm feelings towards them. Hence why I think she’s being vague and possibly disingenuous. You may disagree, I don’t really care if I’m honest.

It was before you asked if she loved them or had warm feelings. OP said that they always had warm feelings but now they feel love for them and you the asked which one was it 5 hours later.

I’m not sure what you are not seeing.

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 21:55

And said AFTER I initially responded. She also said she had warm feelings towards them. Hence why I think she’s being vague and possibly disingenuous. You may disagree, I don’t really care if I’m honest.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/06/2025 21:41

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 21:27

I’m getting it very clearly. The OP has been quite vague on if she actually loves them or just has feelings towards them. I suspect her step daughter’s are equally unsure. It can be very hard to be the step daughter when the ‘real’ daughter comes along. If she does really love them then 7 years is long enough to be able to say it at least once, and considering they are both pretty much young adults now they are old enough to hear OP say ‘I know we’ve had rocky times in the past but I do love you’ without it being awkward. The awkwardness will only be there if it’s not actually true and they know it.

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“I feel love for them now” seems quite clear said several hours ago.

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 21:27

MiddleClassProblem · 09/06/2025 21:15

It was warm feelings and now it’s love. I’m not sure why you’re not getting this. OP has been quite clear. Feelings develop. We don’t know how long OP has known she has loved them for that 7 years but naturally it took time.

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I’m getting it very clearly. The OP has been quite vague on if she actually loves them or just has feelings towards them. I suspect her step daughter’s are equally unsure. It can be very hard to be the step daughter when the ‘real’ daughter comes along. If she does really love them then 7 years is long enough to be able to say it at least once, and considering they are both pretty much young adults now they are old enough to hear OP say ‘I know we’ve had rocky times in the past but I do love you’ without it being awkward. The awkwardness will only be there if it’s not actually true and they know it.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/06/2025 21:19

Cooktop64 · 09/06/2025 16:26

Classic MN

It’s been accidental, the few times I’ve said it to DD in front of them. DD will do something absurd and funny, or she’ll climb into my lap and I’ll give her a big squeeze and a kiss on her head, and out pops “I love you, [DD’s name]!”

It’s easy enough to say “Your father and I are so proud of you,” or “You’re so smart/funny” and other such sentiments to DSDs… I just wonder if it’s too soon to use the L word in a serious context. Will try it in a more casual way, as PP have suggested

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I wouldn’t say it’s too soon given you’ve had them in your life for 7 years. And I think it’s ok to say it. Hopefully a time that’s right and feels natural will come but just like with most kinds of love, if you feel it, say it.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/06/2025 21:15

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 20:58

so which is it? Love or warm feelings?

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It was warm feelings and now it’s love. I’m not sure why you’re not getting this. OP has been quite clear. Feelings develop. We don’t know how long OP has known she has loved them for that 7 years but naturally it took time.

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 20:58

Cooktop64 · 09/06/2025 19:57

I didn’t ever say I was unsure of how I felt. I’m unsure if they’d be receptive of me expressing my feelings towards them.

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so which is it? Love or warm feelings?

Original poster

Cooktop64 · 09/06/2025 19:57

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 18:57

No you don’t love someone from the moment you meet them but you should know after 7 years whether you love them or just have ‘warm feelings’ towards them.

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I didn’t ever say I was unsure of how I felt. I’m unsure if they’d be receptive of me expressing my feelings towards them.

OP posts:

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 18:57

Cooktop64 · 09/06/2025 15:09

Well, you don’t exactly love someone from the moment you meet them, do you? It takes time. Like I said, I feel love for them now.

I’m gonna try to include all of them in verbal expressions of affection, or just not say ILY to DD in front of them (though I will continue with physical affection and such.)

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No you don’t love someone from the moment you meet them but you should know after 7 years whether you love them or just have ‘warm feelings’ towards them.

DaisyChain505 · 09/06/2025 17:08

@Cooktop64

You shouldn’t have to think twice about expressing your love to your child.

It is also completely normal to not love your stepchildren. They are not your biological children.

Don’t let people on here make you feel bad.

Original poster

Cooktop64 · 09/06/2025 16:26

Starlight1984 · 09/06/2025 15:45

This.

The OP says

We don’t spend a tonne of time all together, but we’ll do holidays, the occasional dinner out or movie, etc.

Is it really necessary to repeatedly tell your DD you love her in front of her sisters when you don't even spend much time with them?! Sounds like you're deliberately trying to exclude them to be honest...

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Classic MN

It’s been accidental, the few times I’ve said it to DD in front of them. DD will do something absurd and funny, or she’ll climb into my lap and I’ll give her a big squeeze and a kiss on her head, and out pops “I love you, [DD’s name]!”

It’s easy enough to say “Your father and I are so proud of you,” or “You’re so smart/funny” and other such sentiments to DSDs… I just wonder if it’s too soon to use the L word in a serious context. Will try it in a more casual way, as PP have suggested

OP posts:

SunDash · 09/06/2025 15:57

It's perfectly normal. I d be concerned if you re being challenged on this.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/06/2025 15:53

if you now love them, then why not find a way to tell them then the awkwardness should go

Starlight1984 · 09/06/2025 15:45

Divebar2021 · 09/06/2025 07:43

I think you can refrain from telling your own child you love them while your step children are there. It seems a bit like doling out chocolate and just leaving them standing there or couples that smooch in front of other people. If you know it makes them uncomfortable and you don’t feel you can say the same to them just refrain for that moment. I’m sure you can redress the balance when they’re not there.

This.

The OP says

We don’t spend a tonne of time all together, but we’ll do holidays, the occasional dinner out or movie, etc.

Is it really necessary to repeatedly tell your DD you love her in front of her sisters when you don't even spend much time with them?! Sounds like you're deliberately trying to exclude them to be honest...

Original poster

Cooktop64 · 09/06/2025 15:09

CorbyTrouserPress · 09/06/2025 07:30

‘Warm feelings’ is a long way from love. I’m sure your step daughter’s are aware of your feelings towards them. Tell your DD you love her in front of them but you need to accept that there will be awkwardness from the two children who know you will never and have never loved them.

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Well, you don’t exactly love someone from the moment you meet them, do you? It takes time. Like I said, I feel love for them now.

I’m gonna try to include all of them in verbal expressions of affection, or just not say ILY to DD in front of them (though I will continue with physical affection and such.)

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 09/06/2025 09:45

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/06/2025 07:55

How is it performative to say what you feel?

Some parents vocalise their love less. It doesn't mean that they're cold, that they love their kids any less, or that they don't show their love in other ways.

Some parents vocalise their love more. It doesn't mean that it's performative, that it loses its meaning or that they don't show their love in other ways as well.

There is no one correct approach to parenting, and it's a shame that people have to be so judgemental about each other. If someone does something differently from how you do it, you don't have to take it as a criticism.

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Exactly. I find it really strange that people think it’s performative or that it makes it lose its meaning. We all love our children and some of us vocalise it to them more than others. Can’t see the big deal. Only on MN would this be an issue.

Doingmybest12 · 09/06/2025 07:58

It sounds like saying it to your daughter as a reflex and habit if it's multiple times a day. I think if I heard something multiple times a day that excluded me, or said something to me through omission intended or not , then I'd find it hurtful and exclusive once I'd noticed. I think I'd think about how I'm using the phrase and why and then try and change the way I communicated to be less exclusive.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/06/2025 07:55

tinyspiny · 08/06/2025 18:24

@whatcanthematterbe81 well I’m not alone on this post in thinking that it’s a bit performative to be saying I love you multiple times a day so we will have to accept that people are different .

How is it performative to say what you feel?

Some parents vocalise their love less. It doesn't mean that they're cold, that they love their kids any less, or that they don't show their love in other ways.

Some parents vocalise their love more. It doesn't mean that it's performative, that it loses its meaning or that they don't show their love in other ways as well.

There is no one correct approach to parenting, and it's a shame that people have to be so judgemental about each other. If someone does something differently from how you do it, you don't have to take it as a criticism.

Divebar2021 · 09/06/2025 07:43

I think you can refrain from telling your own child you love them while your step children are there. It seems a bit like doling out chocolate and just leaving them standing there or couples that smooch in front of other people. If you know it makes them uncomfortable and you don’t feel you can say the same to them just refrain for that moment. I’m sure you can redress the balance when they’re not there.