To want baby to have my last name

As I said, we got married so yes the baby had my surname (married name) as I chose to change my surname when we got married. If I hadn't been married, the baby would have had my maiden name as a surname.

If stick to your guns and say baby will have your name. Traditionally baby has mums name.
He has no parental rights re baby unless you let him come with you to register baby and name him as dad (or he applies to court)

He can't have it both ways - not want a traditional marriage but want the benefits of a traditional marriage (i.e. family name). Give the baby his name as a middle name. Fortunately as you're not married, he can't register the baby without you anyway

Nope. Baby has your surname. If you were married and you took his surname then baby would still have your surname.

@Endofyear So did the baby take your last name if you don't believe fathers have more "rights" to the child?

If he doesn't want to get married and never has, he doesn't get the perks of marriage, which is a baby with his surname.

Definitely stick to your guns OP. Your reasons for wanting the baby to have your name are 100% valid and makes sense (mostly having the same name as siblings and you). I would encourage any mother to have the same name as their child. Xx

The patriarchy is not a good enough reason to use his surname.

If your OH was “traditional”, he wouldn’t be living with you before marrying you and he certainly wouldn’t be having sex before marriage, but he’s managed to do both, so tradition can’t be that important to him 🤷‍♀️

When I fell pregnant at 18, my then boyfriend (now DH) said he wanted to get married because it felt the right thing to do. If we hadn't married, I would definitely have given the baby my surname. I don't think a man has more right to give the child his surname - after all, you're the one growing another human for 9 months, giving birth to him/her and possibly feeding with your body for months or even years!

The mum's name is the default, yes, but an unmarried man giving the baby his name anyway used to be a statement of acknowledgement of the child and (sort of) responsibility. I'm not surprised he assumed the baby would take his name - it's a pretty mainstream assumption and I don't think it makes him a twat. But he does need to listen to you now. There is value in tradition but it's no longer the 1950s. Women, married and single are keeping their names much more and conventions are evolving. Perhaps time for him to get with the programme.

@Anonforthisone1 most women are left holding the baby these days so I’d say go for your name .
If he wanted the bay to have his name then he should have proposed marriage sooner .
He can’t have it all .

You don't need our support to decide your baby's name, you literally tell the registrar what the baby's name is when you arrive and they write it down.
I'm sure there are limitations but as long as you are clear then it's fine to do what you like.

We went for Babyname Mysurname Motherssurname for our kids and the registrar did question the middle name but happily did so. Never had any issue since

ETA we are married but kept our original names

I just wish more women would stop taking the Mrs title and his last name, although I know I'm living in fairyland.

My ex (un married) and father of my son emotionally blackmailed me into giving my son hes surname, a massive regret for me that I wasn't strong enough to say no.

@Caerulea Exactly that. As a (married) Ms Myname I avoid all of this and it's incredibly liberating 😀

I've been very open with DH & my sons about my regret - and I've done it twice fgs! It's not about loving DH any less, it's about the loss of my identity purely because I'm a woman. I resent the fact that as a rule a man is born with a title & name & dies with that same title & name.

Whereas a woman starts as Miss, then Mrs, then could be Ms & her name can change multiple times. And all these changes are to signify whether she's currently or previously owned. It's as crass as that. Gosh I wish I were as angry about this when I was younger.

He doesn’t want to give you the security of marriage so wants to have his cake and eat it basically !
Tell him,traditionally, you’d be married before having a baby but as neither of you want that, baby gets your name.
At least then, if the relationship doesn’t last, you and all of your children share the same name.

@mintgreensoftlilac When I married I didn't take my husband's name or become a Mrs. Many people still think I'm being disrespectful to my husband!!! Thankfully he's not a misogynist.

It really grinds my gears that it seems, to some people, that giving the dad’s name is the default. Beyond ‘that’s the tradition’ what actual valid reasons are there for this? All of the reasons that your partner has given could be equally valid reasons for the baby to have your surname. Could his surname be like a middle name or something?

But why should he assume she'll take his name?

The whole name thing needs to change - all of it

If he wants his kid to have his name, did he never consider that he needed to marry the person he had a kid with, after having agreed a name change on her part first?

Even if you married, you state you wouldn't change your name as you want your children to have a family name together. So that was never an option for him - he could have thought about that earlier

Admin-wise, as the main carer, particularly if you don't go the distance, you are best off sharing a name with your child.

His option for the baby to have "his name" is to change his.

And also to consider the needs of his children before his own. He's a dad now.

Am I correct in thinking that some of you have had a baby unmarried and given him/her your last name, but when you've married you've (legally?) changed his/her last name to your husband's?!!!! Why?!!!!

Ah well as he is not married to you, he is not able to register the child's birth thus cannot put his name on the child's birth certificate.

Therefore it is your choice and your decision.

AND your name.

I think that if a man wants the baby to have his name he should marry the mother. If you have no plans to marry then of course the baby should have your name

If he feels that strongly about it, he can take your name.