To think this is fair if we are not married?

How long do you anticipate this taking??

Find a job and agree a start date before you move. In your position, I would not be moving without a confirmed job offer.

But then why risk her financial independence as though they were married? It is a decision that makes no sense.

I can understand your lack of enthuaism for marriage as it's a relatively new relationship but it would give you the protection you need, and you would benefit if the relationship broke up as the lower earner.

I don't see what you'd lose by marriage, it really protects women in your position.

The more I think about it, the more I wouldn't move.

This. Do you love him and want to be with him?

I would be wondering why a permanent position was accepted when it is so far from you both…

This all sounds so transactional. Don’t you want to be a proper family above anything else? Why would it take 6-12 months to settle a 2 year old into a new home and nursery?!

He’s medical, you’ll be on your own most of the time.
Have you ever actually lived together?
Do you want to be in a relationship with him?

In your shoes, I would keep everything as it is for 6 months. Put feelers out for a job, try and make some friends, look at nurseries, get to know the new town etc.
Spend Christmas there and see if you can see yourself living there. Then take a 3 months sabbatical from work and live there, whilst keeping your place. And then decide.

I don't understand how you are happy to have a baby with someone but not be 'ready' for marriage.

as a pp said your post sounds transactional. how much you earn, what he gives you, what he might/might not give you.

Honestly in your situation I would not give up my house, job, independence etc if you're not interested in getting married.

Ah, so you want to be the female version of a cocklodger.

Same.

If it's important to you that DD has someone around and not working, your DP can take some unpaid parental leave whilst you settle yourself into your new role.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to go out of the job market tbh OP.

@10064a Could you take a sabbatical from your work for a month and trial living with him??

A month should be long enough to see if you get on well living together, and makes it easier to just move back if you think it wouldn't work or hate the area he has moved to.

I do think you are right to protect yourself OP, but this really seems quite bizarre.

You either want to move in with your DP or you don’t ? Keeping your house and renting it out is probably a good idea and I wouldn’t necessarily give up a job without one to go to. But surely you can start job hunting now and if you are successful then negotiate a month gap or so between jobs to make the move?

It does not take 6 months to settle a 2 year old into nursery and you into a different part of the Uk. We moved with 2 DC from the US and they were in school and DH and I into new jobs within a few weeks. It was fine. A month, 2 months max would be enough.

I'll be honest - if you were a friend coming to bounce this off me, I'd be questioning whether you really want to move in with him. So I'll ask you the question - do you really want to move in together ?

Would you want to if you didn't have your DD together?

Two year olds are remarkably resilient and don't need 6-12 months to settle into a new house or nursery (unless there's some medical / SEN diagnosis) and you know as well as I, that it's always easier to get a job when you already have a job. So is this about you not being sure ? It's totally fine if this is the case - it's a big step moving jobs and away from an area you know well. But if you see this man as your future, this should be a time of excitement and adventure, not asking him to fund your pension for a year.

Did you talk through the future when he started applying for permanent jobs, presumably consultant level. I know DP & I did and I pulled 2 vetos, (including one overseas) other than that the options were nationwide.

Yes to the PP once you’ve been there six month or so if you try to leave he can argue that is not your child’s permanent location and home and stop her moving over a certain distance away. You’d be trapped.

Look for a job that pays you the same as you’re on now or more, then there is no financial sacrifice. Nobody needs a year to settle in - what on earth will you do?! It’s unsustainable as you’ll busy yourself with activities you won’t be able to do when you go back to work, so will create a false perspective. You might as well start as you mean to go on.

Do you want to live with him?
Do you want to move to the area and make it easier for your child to see both parents?
If you end up breaking up, you can move out, keep the job, use the equity from your flat to buy somewhere in the same area enabling easier co-parenting (which would be a huge benefit for your child)

Or do you just want to give up work for a year and him to fund it? That’s fine if you do, but best to just be honest about it.

I think it is risky to move without a job. Once you have been there a while he will be able to stop you moving back so you will be stuck. If it then turns out you can’t get a job then you will be really stuck.

Do you love him and do you see a longterm future with him?

Why can’t you live with DP, spend maybe 2 months (supported by him) to settle in and job hunt, and then get back to work? I can’t imagine having a child with someone and being in a relationship with them but still living apart

I understand protecting yourself. But taking 6 months off work whilst making it his responsibility to pay your expenses, including pension contributions is taking the absolute piss.

You do what normal people do. Take the risk, move, and look for a job whilst being dependant on him. Or find a new job, agree a (possible delayed) start date and move under your own steam.

Making it all his responsibility whilst acting as though you’re doing him a massive favour is beyond cheeky.