To think this is fair if we are not married?

Sounds like you will be heavily reliant on him financially. In a strange place with no income. I don't think you need a year off work to settle a child in anew nursery. I would just sit tight for now.

You need to get married.

Not a chance I’d be uprooting my life and moving that distance for a boyfriend.

He has to have some skin in the game.

Personally I wouldn't move. You've got everything set up where you are. When you move you'll likely be looking after him as well as your child, receiving no financial contribution from him, and facing all the stresses of moving. Why has he taken a job so far away from you? If he wants you to uproot he needs to marry you. If you don't want to marry, then there's your answer.

It’s really not. By your age a year is more than long enough to decide whether a marriage would work. You have a baby together, so you are connected for eternity anyway. Either get married and move or stay put. Don’t give up everything you have for a boyfriend who can kick you out on a bad day.

The job market in a lot of industries is absolutely dire at the moment. There just aren’t enough jobs to go around. I also work in a competitive industry and it took me and colleagues between 6-12 months and 500+ job applications to find new jobs in the last year or two. I would absolutely be locking down a job first.

Because it's fine to be a sahp if both parties feel that's in the best interests of the unit and being the one who does the bulk of the childcare and domestic stuff is paying your way.

This is what I’m wondering. Their relationship is like 3 years old now, if they had their 2 yo a year into the relationship (correct me if I’m wrong @10064a) That hardly seems like “too soon” for living together, even if they don’t get married ?

Good.
Far too many women think with their hearts not their heads and get totally fucked over as a result.

Why aren’t either of you thinking about getting married and creating a completely integrated life together?

How have we got to a stage where someone looking after their 2 year old for 6 months during a move is considered a cocklodger/not paying their way/not contributing/mad?

^ this. 4k a month is approx £80k. Depending on your industry it may take several months to find an appropriate job

Can you take parental leave to trial living together for a few weeks?

Rent your house out, that would easily cover your mortgage, so partner would only have to keep you until you got a job,the house will mire than pay for itself with the rent,start looking before you actually move up there.

You are making assumptions about what he might say! Here you are getting all sorts of views about your situation. What you now have, if you want it, is the starting point for a conversation with DP about your future. That's very different to a demand for marriage if you move. When you are thinking of moving to a new place and changing jobs, a serious conversation is to be expected. If you can't talk about that together, it doesn't bode well for communication between you. What is puzzling me is that you haven't said anything about wanting your DD to grow up I'm the same house as her dad - or not. Your decision is critical to the kind of childhood she will have.

You have no protection at all without marriage. If he stopped paying you £1400 a month, wherever you are living, you would have to make a claim through CMS and, unless he earns a huge amount, you probably wouldn't get £1400 a month.

Giving up your job, moving to a new area and relying on his voluntary generosity for 6 - 12 months is not a plan for financial security. Whilst he should pay for the needs of his child he has no legal obligation to support you so if the relationship broke down you could find yourself homeless, jobless and penniless. You need a better plan, one with greater emphasis on self reliance, to protect yourself.

I wouldn't be moving without a job in new location, otherwise your putting yourself in a finically vulnerable situation.

So not ready to get married, but ready to share a child….🤨

If he ends the relationship because you say you want to get married then you know where you stand.

And if you are even the slightest concerned that he may do that then please don't give up your independence for this man.

You are in a good position - you are financially independent with your own house, child and an excellent job, don't be too keen to give that up. Especially for a man.

If the process takes 2-3 months to interview for a job start looking now? When you get a new job a month or 2 notice to start is not uncommon surely this would be enough time to settle? Have u researched childcare availability in the new area? It sounds like you are expecting him to fund a 6 month career break to compensate you for moving sorry I think YABU to expect this and when unmarried I wouldn't be giving up work, pension contributions etc with no guarantee it will work out

I understand that but there's nothing in your post that even hints at you wanting to move you're, only that your DD would benefit. No great love story here!

The order should be 1) secure employment and then 2) move.

But that is only if you are absolutely committed to moving. If you are not, carry on as you are until you feel your relationship is well enough established.

Alternatively, he works at his placement for as long as he needs to and then he looks for a new position in your area.

Ok its not an ultimatum at all and the fact that you and he would both think that makes me despair.

It is not a threat—its is a condition. If I walk into a store and the merchant tells me the price if a good that is not an ultimatum. It is a condition of the transfer of ownership of the good that I pay the merchant’s price.

You are a free and independent actor. A reasonable condition for you to risk financial independence and lose friends /supports during this move might be marriage as that affords you legal protection. If you have much more money and security than he you might not choose to set this condition. But it is in no way an ultimatum.

ERA: by the way “do what I say or I end the relationship” is an ultimatum. It us he who threatens you not the other way around.i would have dumped his sorry ass long ago.

Ime you need to be quite clear with men if you want to get married. Course they will happily coast along without it.

you have a child with him - it's hardly too soon. If you want to get married state your boundaries - I will not move in with you unless we get married.

If you feel the relationship is relatively new at 3 years, even with the caveat of LDR for part of the time, I think this is the real crux of the matter.

You have a well paid job and a mortgage - that is your protection outside or inside of marriage. Yet you would give up the job for 6-12 months and expect him to pay you to stay at home. That's you making yourself vulnerable. He could agree, you resign, maybe sell your place, move and then not pay you. Then you are stuffed.

Makes my point again -it's better/ easier to get a job when you already have a job. If that takes time to sort, then take that time where you are now. When DP got his permanent job, it took 6 months to find a job for me so he move down 3 months ahead. You don't have to move to him on Monday, there's no rush. Get the job, sort the nursery, sell / rent out your place and then go.

Unless you know that you can find suitable work in the new place I think you would be mad to move before getting a job. Surely you could negotiate a starting date that gave you a month in situ to sort out moving, settling etc?

It is a big sacrifice, and in your shoes I would hold on to as much of your own security possible. Not sell your house but rent it out if that is possible?

And alongside the sacrifice surely there will be benefits for you, financial and support wise?