To think this is fair if we are not married?

OP, you would be mad to move.
You are financially independent.
You have no business moving your whole life without marriage.

Stay where you are and make him work for the relationship.
You have given up enough.
He has absolutely no reason to marry you when you are so happy to sacrifice so much.

Don't be silly. Stay independent u til he wants to commit fully to you.9

I think the way to achieve financial protection is to secure the right job before you move - with a start date that gives you time to settle in your child.

Renting out your property on a role on lease - in case you want to move back.

Being honest and open with your current employer when you leave - again in case you want to move back.

Your plan at present doesn’t give you any security because your partner could just stop your payments. In sounds like a recipe for resentment from both sides.

Another thought. You have been together for three years. You have a child. Your DP has moved for his career, presumably without talking to you about the future of all three of you. Now he has suggested you move to where he is. Again, from what you have revealed so far, without a conversation about the future for all three of you. Now, you are on Mumsnet, not only not having a conversation with DP about the future for all three of you, but finding reasons not to say what's on your mind to him.

I absolutely would not be moving anywhere with my child unless I was already married.. basically end of ,no other discussion
He would either want me married or he doesn't,I'm not uprooting my life and my child's life to see if a relationship lasts ..fuck that .
For me it's married or I stay put

That is completely ridiculous. Unless there is a back story of issues, moving is a total non event for most two year olds. A stable home environment is far more useful and to have you suddenly available when she is used to you working, is going to be far more disruptive for her.

Is he willing to talk about marriage generally? Can he talk about when/if he'd like to be married? For you, if it wasn't for DD would you be interested in marriage/moving with him?
I think what you've suggested is logical and fair but it doesn't scream we are in a secure relationship, like you're waiting for the shoe to drop.
If he's not willing to discuss marriage and isn't sure if he wants to marry/ you wouldn't move if it wasn't for DD then don't move.

If he's willing to discuss marriage and can give a clear answer e.g. I'm confident I want to marry you, it's just with the move I don't have the space to think/plan then I'd move but only on the basis of your current conditions.

You can't keep your home 'ticking over' on £4,000 a month?

In this situation I'd start to apply for jobs and secure a job before moving to live together. Then let your house out to cover mortgage costs. If the move goes well you can always sell at a later date, if it does not go well you still have your own home for security. It won't take more than a single month to settle your DC into nursery. Even in new home with your partner surely he will still pay half towards your DC nursery fees.

You’ve been together over 3 years, are both in your late 30s and have a two-year-old together. Is that really ‘soon’ to be thinking about marriage? Surely you know by now if it’s serious or not? If you don’t know if marriage would be right after 3 years, two as parents, then that says to me neither of you are committed and so why would you even think about relocating and giving up work to do so? If things don’t work out you could end up very vulnerable and if you try to move your DD back to your current area he could try to get courts involved to make things difficult for you.

Do you even like this man?

Just tell him that you think it’s too soon to uproot your and your child’s life for a man who isn’t making every effort to be near his child and not providing financial protection for the mother of his child.

Obviously. I was just pointing out that a marriage without love isn't going to be very sustainable when life gets shit.

I don’t think I’d move. He made the choice to move far away for his job. Give up your home and £4k a month salary? Not a chance.

@Genevieva ’by your age’??? What’s age got to do with it? A man can be on his best behaviour for years before turning out to be an arse. Doesn’t matter how old you are. You sound as if you’re saying it will be Op’s fault if the marriage didn’t work.

I wouldn’t be giving up a secure, well paid job until I had another one lined up. Having just been made redundant, the jobs market is absolutely horrific - there are no jobs. I’m expecting to be out of work for at least a year.

Three years is not a new relationship. I was engaged to my now DH three years into the relationship. You say you're worried he will tell you you're being unfair if you discuss marriage, but what's boggling my mind is you'll consider giving up all your security to go live with a man but you won't discuss marriage with him for fear of what he'll say. You need to know where you stand.
Also, why jump in and do all this right away? Why not take a few weeks off and go spend some time with him, make sure you're happy in the house, like the area etc?

My question is why did he say yes to a permanent post 4 hours from where his child is? What was his thinking behind that?

Its a big ask for you to leave your well paying job and DD's home that she's settled in, to move 4 hours away and start over, whereas it seems that he has the type of work that would make finding a job anywhere relatively easy given he's moved around so much already with it.

Could he not get a flat near work for during his shifts and then travel back to stay with you at the weekends / during his holidays, with the longer term goal being for him to find more local work?

I wouldn't be keen to uproot myself, my work and my daughter's stability to move 4 hours away to start over, unmarried.

6 months to settle in a new place! surely if you work and your dd goes to nursery you will meet new people? what do you mean by settling in? doing up the house? finding where the supermarket is?

So do you or do you not want to get married?

i’m thinking exactly the same! The Op is doing exactly what MN’ers lambast women for not doing, every single day .

If its even a question that he isn’t willing to excitedly marry you, frankly, I would break it off. It took four years for my dh snd I to agree on marriage but once we decided to be together it was obvious that we would hoose that for the safety and security of the children we hoped to have. In addition we had to cope with ling distance and conflicting jobs. So getting married was a statement that we would choose a joint resolution going forward.

He should be fighting to see you and dd all the time. If he would end the relationship to avoid marriage be is not at all committed to you he’s just offering to let his child’s nanny move in and pay his bills.

2 year olds are resilient, it won’t take long to settle her into a new home/nursery. We moved when DD1 was 2 and she settled within a week, maybe 2. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to cover your living expenses for a month or so while you start a new job but I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to contribute to your pension when you are choosing to take 6-12 months to find a new job which is unnecessary unless you are actually not wanting to find a job and are wanting to be a SAHM in which case that’s an entirely different conversation to have with your DP.

There can be both

Agreed, but for a relationship to work there needs to be some love because when the shit hits the fan, redundancy, ill health, loss etc its the love between you that helps get you through.

Do you are prepared to give up everything for him, but you think he isn’t prepared to commit to you? Honestly, putting your daughter first does not involve making yourself vulnerable by leaving your home, your job snd your friends. I’ve said this before and I will say it again: marriage exists to protect mothers and children because mothers are inherently more vulnerable than fathers. If he doesn’t get that then stay where you are. He can do the 4 hour drive.