To think this is fair if we are not married?

I wouldn’t be giving up what you have without the security of marriage, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. He could agree to anything but then go back on it all.

Hadn’t he given you one though basically saying I have a job 4 hours away you need to give up your job and your house and move with me

was him moving that far away discussed, was it necessary is it where he is from?
in essence why did he move there?

because it is an awful lot to ask without any protection of being married or able to earn money. And you cannot and should not leave yourself that vulnerable

I agree with others OP. The reason you are asking for marriage is not a threat, you are making a financial sacrifice and you need protection that he will hold to his side, consider it a legal obligation thats not just a promise and a prayer. Otherwise find a job then move. Xx

I think that's fair. Just say, listen I can't move up with no job as we aren't married and it's too precarious a situation as you could be a jobless single mother in a unfamiliar area if it goes tits up. Marriage is just a legal promise he will support you, to go along with his verbal one. Otherwise say I need to find a job first so that I am financially independent if we are to stay single for all intents and purposes. Xx

After you've had a child together the "too soon" boat has already sailed. Xx

Can you take a career break from work so you are not risking so much. I would have thought you would know where the relationship was heading after 4 years and one child.

Can you not find a job in the new place before you move, otherwise if the plan is you will be a dual working couple, having you initially as a SAHP will raise unfair expectations of you doing all / the majority of the domestic work. Start as you mean to go on. If, however, you really intend to give up work and get married, but want to give it a dry run, your plan sounds fair. I wouldn’t worry about pension contributions for 6-12 months.

I wouldn’t be a SAHP or work part time without being married. Someone I know found herself homeless with 100k from a property over 1 million after having 3 children.

If you were together a year, then got pregnant and now have a 2 yr old you're together 4 years how long does he need?

I think 6-12 months is taking the piss tbh. You should start to look for work and move when you have work and start within a month. A year to settle into a new area… you’re not moving to Mars ffs.

I don't think you should ask him to pay towards your pension! That's absolute cheek! 🤣

But you don't actually need the 1400 he would be transferring?
Why is it so important to you that he transfers it?

You're putting yourself in a very vulnerable position by giving up your job, your home, your support network and your independence.

Personally, I'd be asking for £10-15k upfront in cash to cover your moving costs and other expenses and "insure" you against the costs you would incur moving back if things don't work out.

Sounds like you fancy a nice sabbatical funded by your DP because you think he can afford it. You don’t reasonably need anywhere need that amount of time to settle in. You’re not making a sacrifice you’re making a choice and having year off. Which is fine. But don’t expect him to be paying your pension too!

Oh it's too iffy for me. At 40, one child, no ring.

Honestly, if you as a couple were going to last long term, this would not even be a question. Being ‘too soon’ would be fair enough if you were in your 20s and didn’t have a child together. I think the general wisdom is that, once you get into your 30s, if you don’t at least plan a marriage within a few years, he’s probably not that into you. And that’s without a child in the equation. You must be 40ish by now judging by your first post and if you don’t know whether you want to marry him and vice versa by now, with a 2-year-old and settled careers and a clear knowledge of who you are and what you want, then you shouldn’t be upending your life to ‘test the water’. If he isn’t super-keen to marry you to give you security and, frankly, because he can’t imagine life without you and your child together forever, then he isn’t ever going to be. If you aren’t bothered either, that’s fine but go into this with your eyes wide open - its a convenient thing while you raise your child and you’re unlikely to have a long term future together. Ask for whatever financial security you need based on that knowledge.

It's a lot for him to expect you to give up your job and friends and move so far away for him. It's only fair that he helps you financially for the first six months until you get your baby into a nursery and find yourself a good job. My worry would be that you might not get as good a job on as high a salary.

I think you're being very reasonable!

You would be a fool to move without either a job to go to or marriage (and if focus on a job personally). What is after your year off you can't get a job, then what?

Having just moved (to a new area) and started a new job yes it's hectic but doable. As others have said delay the job start by a few weeks or a month, your partner can get the home set up before you arrive anyway so it'll be a lot easier from that perspective and will be there to help settle your DD. Honestly if I were your DP I'd think you were being ridiculous deliberately taking that amount of time off just because you're moving.

Apologies if someone has already asked and you’ve answered but….Honestly and hand on heart , do you love him to enough to move 4 hours away and give up your job, home etc? Please don’t just do it for your daughter, you need to feel confident and happy….but then I’m an old dinosaur and a bit risk averse but I completely agree with getting finances sorted for yourself !! Good luck xx

I’d be making the financial sacrifice to enable DP to keep his job and have us all together

if you are ready to make financial sacrifices for your family unit, I would encourage you to consider that you are very much overdue for marriage.

marriage protects the financially weaker partner. That’s what it’s for.

Quoting you but really responding to everyone who has assumed the man is a doctor: OP just referred to “medical”. He could be a pharmaceutical rep or something for all anyone knows.

I gather that he has limited choice in where his placements are as he’s a doctor?

if I were you I would stay put until you’ve found a job you’re happy with. Give a start date that gives you 2-3 weeks to settle into the house and dc into nursery. Keep your house on and rent in case you need a fall back then review in a year. Move in and spilt costs according to earnings (70/30) or whatever.

The more I read of this thread, the more I think you’d be crazy to move an inch from where you are. Why would you?

The father has accepted a permanent position far away from his child. He wants YOU to give up your job, your home, have his DD move, so that he can carry on as he is and make even less effort to see you and his child because you’d be closer.

What on earth are you thinking, woman?? Tell him to move to you! And to his child! Why are you contorting yourself into setting conditions such as pension contributions when he’s doing absolutely everything to suit himself and nothing to suit you or his child? Are you desperate for him and only him? This is why your first post was so insane. This is unusually imbalanced.

(And if you think you’d need 6-12 months to settle into a new town in the same country, you REALLY aren’t suited to this move. Everything is screaming no, absolutely everything: financial, practical, emotional, everything).

As someone married to a medic this is not going to be the only time you will need to make a decision like this. From experience both personally and from friends/DH colleagues in similar situations, you will need to decide soon whether this kind of sacrifice is what you want and what you can tolerate in the future. It may be (if you are extremely lucky) the only time you have to move to a different area and leave a job you love. I have moved over 11 times and left many jobs/people for my husbands career. It was a choice I made very early on in our relationship and it has not always been easy, but it’s important to set out your expectations with each other early. It sounds like you have a lot to think about and the minutiae of financial detail you are thinking about is perhaps masking how you really feel about all this? I may be wrong but either way, talk it through and only do what you are comfortable with in the long term.

In this case you are massively unreasonable. It is perfectly normal to find a job and move. Expecting your OH to fund your "finding your feet" time is just nuts.

But I'd understand not wanting to move wothout marriage on the cards.

Why don't you let your home out while you move to the new area & then look for a job? This way you're not dependent upon your dh and he doesn't have a claim on your home if he pays the mortgage in case you split.

You're still in a fairly new relationship & there's no guarantee that you'll be together long term. I'd be securing my financial independence for a little while yet because you had your child too early in the relationship.

Once you have moved in with him ,he's got sex on tap ,a cleaner on tap someone to cook for him and your miles from friends and family,he has no reason to marry you then ,as he has all the balls in his court and none in yours .
Seriously stay put ,with the money he gives you monthly untill your married

If he says it’s an unfair ultimatum then you know where he stands tbf