To think this is fair if we are not married?

What are you giving up by moving 4 hours away? Do you have family and friends near where you currently are? If you did move and he broke up with you a year later you may very well not be allowed to move back to your old area with your DD. Are you prepared to stay there for the next 16-18 years even if you are no longer together? That's the biggest risk you are facing in my opinion. Money and marriage can always be sorted, but you have zero protection at the moment and everything to lose whereas he has everything to gain.

Don’t give up your job, local friends, home without marriage.

And that would tell you that he doesn't actually care about you and your security. Don't move.

You don't seem to think he wants to be married. With just cause seeing as you've been with him for 4 years or so AND you have a child together and you've not discussed it.

If you gave an ultimatum that you wouldn't move without marriage, would it be the end of your relationship ( such as it is)? In other words do you think he is not really bothered about losing you? I think this is the real problem you have. He is willing to send you money (good) but is not committed to you emotionally. Is this what you've sensed? Is he still looking out for the one?

You need to protect yourself and your child financially. The golden rule is

1. never give up your job
2. especially never give up your job for a man who is not committed to you emotionally and with marriage
3. especially never give up your job when you have a child reliant on you
4. especially never give up your job when the father of your child could emigrate to Australia tomorrow and you'd never hear from him again.

Honestly I think you are massively overthinking this, you don't need months to settle in these circumstances.

Searching for a job while in a job gives you far better negotiation power.
Could you see if you could be part time, and then do toddler groups (if that's your thing) to meet people and start establishing yourself there.

Get married before you move. And then share finances. If he doesn't agree to protect you, then you know he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

I moved away from everything to be with my partner.
I made sure I had a job lined up and I think I had just over 2 weeks of "settling" time for the kids (school/childminder) and then I was in a new job. You certainly don't need so long to settle and there's no way I'd be relying so heavily on a man I've never lived with before.

I would say. when is the wedding.
surely you are not going to disrupt your life / your career and your child for less than legal commitment.

If you've had a baby with someone you're tied for life. Marriage is a lesser commitment.
Your demands are unbelievable. You're a grown woman not a teenager. Apply for jobs, get one then move. If you want marriage ask him. Rent out your property. I don't see any emotion in this.
Your partner is a doctor, he needs a steady home. (I have quite a few in the family including my DD). Are you the women for him? Ask yourself that before you move.

In your shoes OP, I don't think I would risk moving in with him, as you would be putting a lot at stake. I think you'd do better to stay as you are for the time being, and if he wants you to live together, then HE should move jobs again, to be near where you and his child are. As it is, he's expecting you to give up your home, your job, your security, your friends, and possibly even family in the area, in order to move to a place that you're not familiar with, where you can't guarantee you'll get a job that pays you the same money, and if you do get one, will it be as understanding of your parental needs as where you are now? He's asking you to risk renting out your home, which could be a disaster if you get bad tenants, and from 4 hours away, it won't be something you can easily manage yourself. Then, what if it doesn't work out, and you end up hating living together, where does that leave you? Maybe having to live with him, even if you don't want to, in an area you're perhaps not keen on, while you wait to evict tenants, if you've been unlucky. Then of course there's the risk that if you were to decide you want to move back and leave him, he can lay down conditions on where you move to, in order that he can maintain contact with his child.

On the other hand, if you give it a bit longer, you'll have more idea as to whether this relationship is destined to be long term. He can then get a job, and move straight in with you, without you having to give up your job, or unsettle your DD. Just my thoughts on things. Apologies if I've got anything wrong, as you haven't been very clear as to whether you plan to move 'to' him, or move 'in' with him.

So your assumption is that if you mentioned marriage he would think you were being unfair? Rather that being thrilled that you would consider marrying him? That’s not very good, is it?

I'd get married before I moved in with him.

Can your dp find a job near you so that you get to keep your house and job?

Were you off for 6-12 months when your child started her current nursery?

Sounds like you want a year off work and for him to fund it?

If you WANT to move, you to research childcare and secure a job first. It's fair to ask to not contribute to bills while you sort out your current house.

If you don't want to move, don't. Focus on yourself and raising your child and he will have to work around you.

But you do not need a year off to settle a child into nursery 🙄

I don't think I would move at all. You've got a good job and the arrangement you have seems settled. Saying that, if you want to move, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill in terms of saying you'll need 6-12 months just to settle in. I know this is not your ideal scenario, but it seems unreasonable to me that you would even consider moving without a job to go to.

Sorry I agree with others, yabu to ask him to financially support you and pay you £1.4K a month while you take six months to settle in. Job hunt first. Move when you have a job. Look at finances once you know you have a job, what you’ll be earning and how much nursery fees will be etc

This thread is a mess. While I understand that marriage gives some financial protection, it's not a silver bullet. My parents are divorcing after 40 years and the financial side is not good for either of them. Also if OP has assets and a similar salary, who is to say that she won't be worse off if they marry and divorce? DP might not have a house (I'm assuming probably not as it sounds like he's moved a lot), probably has a lot of student debt, and isn't on a much higher salary than OP.

OP, when I was in a LDR I was desperate for us to live together. I'm not feeling that you particularly like your partner tbh. Him being a doctor (presumably) is relevant as it can really limit work location choices, but is there potential for him to move closer to you? If it's a new consultant job it's not like he's necessarily settled there yet. Different if it's a training post, but if that's the case it makes even less sense for you to move.

You do not need 6-12 months to help a 2 year old settle.

That plus still wanting £1,400 a month does make it sound like you’re taking the piss.

I don't think 6 months plus is reasonable sorry.

I would find a job, get a nursery place and move. Both taking some leave to help DD settling in during the first couple of weeks.

I think it would be fair to say you want to keep your house and rent it out until you marry. He could keep paying for the rent/ mortgage on his place on his own to give you a buffer in case it takes a while to rent out.

Why can't you just have a conversation with him about it @10064a? Just say "I'm really keen to relocate with DD and move in together, but I'm worried about the finances, especially for the first 6 months, so can we have a chat about how it might work, make sure we're on the same page?" Unless he's a total arsehole, surely he'll be happy to discuss, considering he wants his partner and daughter to live with him? And if he is a total arsehole, it's even simpler; don't move in with him!

I personally wouldn’t move without having a job secured as you’d be losing 4k a month with no certainty of earning that again/making your relationship work.

id probably keep my house, rent it out so I could go back there if it didn’t work out. Then move in and contribute to bills but not mortgage unless name on it.
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I think you’re being a bit unreasonable to say you need 6-12 months. I personally wouldn’t want to give my job up for that long without anything else lined up. It doesn’t take that long to settle in. I wouldn’t support a partner financially who wanted a year off to get to know the local area when it can be done on days off and weekends.

Plenty of people stay home with their kids until age 3, 4 or right into primary school. Staying home with a toddler for 6 months during a period of significant upheaval is a perfectly valid choice.

I'm not sure I'd give up a 4k/month job without something already lined up, though (maybe good work is easier to come by in your field!) And personally I'm not sure I could justify staying home essentially indefinitely if my kid was spending a significant number of hours at nursery.

Would you rather be married? You've said a number of times that he wouldn't want to, but what do you really want?

The general principle isn't unreasonable but the year to settle is.