To think this is fair if we are not married?

And another person who sees a baby as a less of a big deal than getting married.

Is it possible to rent out your home on a short term let to cover your mortgage payments and give you some financial independence?

I don’t think missing six months of pension is the end of the world depending on your contributions up until now.

Would be good to feel less financially dependant upon him as I sense you’re feeling that as the living together is new there is a lot of pressure?

That's the whole point, so you know where you stand.

No point moving, changing jobs etc if he has no intention of marrying you.

Why would you move for a man you're unsure of his long term plans?

You could spend weekends in the area to get used to it before you move. I think 6-12 months is way too much. 6-8 week perhaps would be reasonable.

And I’m so glad that she is thinking this way and not being an idiot

I don’t think it’s reasonable. He will be covering all costs for the family unit until you get a job. You can let out your home to take care of your mortgage. He can’t be paying you an amount on top of that.

He could still keep his job with no sacrifice from you. He'd need to sacrifice his free time travelling to you both instead.

And it absolutely doesn't take 6 months to find your feet in a new place.
You do that whilst working & DD in nursery.
Good suggestions about finding a job first.
If you break up, or he stops paying, then what?

This. I’d get a job first and push start date to leave a few weeks to settle there (max). Don’t upend your whole life without more certainty than that - what if it takes a really long time to find a job? What if the relationship doesn’t work out and you’ve quit your job and let your house out? Where to then? It’s fine to discuss the practicalities unemotionally but also I think you need to be clear on where you see the relationship going. Do YOU want to marry HIM? What happens if he’s relocated again (common in medicine)? Do you want to be a trailing spouse following his career? What risks does that pose to you gaining career seniority and advancement? What impact on your longer term earnings and pension? Seems like you need to get all these questions covered in a comprehensive chat and understand his position in relation to all these things. Don’t compromise your financial stability just to make his life easier unless he’s the guy for you (and maybe even then!!) Good luck OP!

Youbare talkimg about creating a family home together. It all sounds so financial and transactional in your post. We are not married, 2 dcs, got pregnant within two years of knowing each other etc. But we just kind of, muddle it all together. We have separate finances and have at times outearned each other by quite a bit, swapping over to take mire of a home role.
Are you thinking this is a forever arrangement, as in once you move in together you will stay as a family unit or a temporary or trial arrangement. Becuase yoh aound like you are thinking more of a trial. Together tou should be covering all bills and if you cant work and have to follow him arround the country for work then yes he is going to have to be the breadwinner while you settle in to each new place.

This I’m afraid.

Does your OP actually want this and what is he doing to facilitate the move?

"I don't feel ready for marriage but I'm planning to uproot my life, sell my house, quit my job, depend on my partner financially for expenses for 6 months while we establish family life... oh and we have a 2yo daughter"

What else do you think marriage is?! It doesn't get much more interwoven than that! The divorce paperwork would be the easiest bit to sort!

Your instincts to bring your family together are sound. You should move and give it your all to make it work. But don't play this halfway game where you have all the dependence and none of the security. Either keep your independence and tiptoe in, or commit properly and share the load.

@10064a Im wondering if part of you is hesitant because of DP’s career? Through his actions (moving 4 hours away) he’s shown his priorities. Are you happy with that? And as PPs with partners who are medics have said, are you ok to move around in the future for his work? It seems possible to have more flexible work as a medic but that comes at a cost to promotion etc. and there’s lots of posts on here where people feel resentful doing all the child care and housework with a medic DP. It’s got its upsides but it’s not a life I’d want. Are you able to talk about career expectations together?

Perhaps because she’s considering the practical circumstances given, she’s a single mother, rather than flowers and butterflies to strangers.

Don't move without either marriage or a legally enforceable contract that covers both the costs of your shared child AND the loss if your current income and a wriiten if not lawyered (email, whatever) spelling out of how he will ensure thst you don't lose out if you move. Be fully unemotional and hard nosed about this. For your own sake as well ss your child's.

I think you are right to think this through from a practical point but I definitely wouldn't be giving up a job at the moment without one to go to, the market is absolutely brutal at the moment.

It feels like the upheaval is relating to your partners situation. Do you want to change your life so much without certainty?
If you've your own house that you can afford to stay in then giving up that freedom could backfire.
If you're not going to marry you could end up at his place paying half for a place you're not happy with.

Say who? Just because it's not what everyone does doesn't mean the OP can't do it?

I think you’re being wise to look at how to financially protect yourself but your methodology is all wrong.

Don’t move without a job to go to. A job is your financial security not an agreement from someone you are not married to that can easily be ignored. I’d be asking him to pay your moving costs I think that is fair.

Your proposal doesn’t take into account that you might not get a job in 6-12 months. What happens then? And what happens if he agrees but then does not follow through? It’s extremely risky.

If you do go through with this move sort a job first.

Have you discussed bill splitting when you do move? If not, why not ? I’d start with this. That should give you an idea if he is going to be fair. How long is he going to be in this location? Is he going to expect you to move again?

And the biggest risk to you is that you won’t be able to move away if it doesn’t work out without his consent because of DD. So I would put the move on hold and have a holiday up there. Take some time to check out the area and see if it is somewhere that you could happily live. Someone else suggested that you take unpaid leave from work to do this. I think that’s a good idea and he should agree to cover all your expenses (including pension) during that time. That would be fair.

Are you hoping to get pregnant again OP? Is that why you're talking about a year out of work?

I wouldn’t give up your job or sell your home if you haven’t yet tried cohabiting.

Is there no way he can move to a permanent post where you and DD currently live? That’d be less risky and disruptive for you and DD. Do you live where you did when you met him and he’s the one who’s moved? Where are your support network, e.g. if DD is too ill for nursery?

If you have to move, I’d get a job first, then move. I know you’re hopeful you’ll get something, but it’s a tough job market right now and the longer you’re unemployed it won’t look great on an application and your confidence may start to go. I don’t suppose you can do a job where you can choose to WFH?

I know you feel you need time to help DD settle into nursery, but that usually only takes a couple of weeks, which hopefully you could do before you start the job, depending on notice periods and leave owed from your existing job. Presumably, you can do drop offs and pick ups if it’s daycare? And he can share that once she’s more used to being with him.

You can get to know the area at weekends.

Do not move 4 hours from your family and give up your job for a well paid man that you aren’t married to that wouldn’t be willing and eager to support you financially for a few months while you find your feet/a new job whilst looking after his child.

You’ve been together for 3 or 4 years and have a 2 year old…move in with him.

keep your house and rent it out, then your equity goes up and you have no costs associated with your property but are protected.

then you manage the house together that he owns and you all live in together. if it works out then you marry and everything is shared, if it doesn’t work out you have a home.

i don’t know why he would need to ‘give’ you money, when you live together just work out how to both contribute to daily life the upbringing of your child in a proportional way.

I think what you're considering is quite sensible.
What O would say is perhaps you can start the job hunt before you move, as you say the recruitment process is circa 3 months. Most employers also expect you'll have a notice period, which gives you another month at least.

That way you'll spend less time out of employment while still getting your settling in period.

It's been what, three, four years? (pregnant after a year, 9 months of being pregnant, and now you have a 2 year old).

Why has he persistently chosen to live away from his child, and applied for jobs that allow him to live like a single, childless man when he isn't? The fact that you're afraid to raise the question of marriage isn't good either.

I think you're asking the wrong question TBH. He is the one who needs to make changes here. Not you.