To think this is fair if we are not married?

I can see why you’re considering this and I think it can work as long as you mitigate the risks as much as possible. This means securing a job before you go, or finding a role you can do remotely. Renting out your house instead of selling it. Would contracting be an option rather than looking for a permanent role?

This! You look for the job, and the nursery, then move and stagger the start date of the job by a month. 6 months to settle a 2 year old? Hardly! Couple of weeks.
Also, you seem to completely overlook the huge advantage to your daughter of having her parents together. At the moment, she is living like the child of divorced parents. Fast forward a few years, and she will hate having to split her time, etc. This is the absolute best thing you can do for her, and I would have thought for yourself (don't you love DP?), you sound incredibly cold (and short sighted).

This is ridiculous. What is wrong with these men? Where to even start?

Could you rent your house out? Have a buffer for if it doesn't work out?

Can't quite get over the cocklodger/money grabbing comments. Are you all for real?!?

OP has been raising their child as a single parent for 2 years, while the mobile sperm-donor flits around the country focussing on nothing but furthering his career, while contributing just 20% of his earnings to raise his own child.

Then has the audacity to set up a permanent base 4 hours away from where his child is already well established, then call in 'I think we should have a stab at living together'!

No, it's not in any way unreasonable that he continue to make financial contributions to the arrangements OP!!! Potentially you could dress it up differently - you plan to rent your place out, take the net earnings from that for 3-6 months as savings/security/relocation buffer to cover you in the event that it all goes tits up & you have to move back there again. Then all other household costs in the shared place get split pro-rata to your take-home salaries (after student loan repayments). Your rent goes back in the household pot once your moving buffer is built up - of if he owns the new place, you keep your rent as he's building his own equity.

Agree with most that you should line up a job to move to though. Very sketchy without.

Also, these arrangements are almost the least important thing you haven't spoken about! What about wills, custody of DD in event of death of either of you, life insurance/pension names parties for each other, who will cook, clean & taxi in a shared house. Is he working research 9-5, or hospital shifts including weekends? Who will take leave when DD is sick in new arrangement & you're removed from current network, building Bradford Factor in a new job, and you're in a town DP has arbitrarily chosen for the next X months convenient to his career development? When will the next move be? Where to?

It definitely feels like the onus on the 8 hour round trip should be on him for a while yet, until:

A your relationship is grown up enough to have ALL the above conversations, plus whether a civil partnership would be a more secure & appropriate arrangement under which you could make such a move

B he's had enough 8 hour round trips to spend time with the child he created to properly contemplate why in the name of dog he didn't look for a permanent role closer to where they lived in the first place if either of you are actually important to him?

I wouldn’t give up my life for a man who hasn’t shown much commitment to me.

What’s the long term plan if marriage isn’t the goal?

You sound just money grabbing taking 6 to 12 months, totally bu l feel sorry for your DP.

Or you discover he’s not a keeper before you uproot your life. This helps you focus on your own life with your child where you live. You then meet someone else who is prepared to treat you as an equal partner, merry you and raise a family together.

There is no way on this planet that I would give up my job to move in with someone who I wasn't married to. Taking 6-12 months out of a "competitive" industry with no safety net would be unwise. You could struggle to find a job and he could get bored of paying you money to ensure you live near him.

Well then that shows him to be someone who won't support you.

Don't make a stupid move. Get a job, then move if you still want to

How do you think military wives cope? I understand you've got your own job/home/life but surely you should have thought about this before you had your child?

Of course if they were married her asset would become his so if he were “giving her money for the mortgage “ he would just be gaining an asset (or his child would) rather than just “giving her money.”

Perfectly sensible for a married couple to decide to spend money on an asset like a flat or house. Perfectly sensible for an unmarried woman to keep hold of an important asset like proper. Perfectly reasonable for a person with high income to subsidize the lower or at risk partner for some time—provided they love that person and don’t regard them as a servant or flight risk.

His contribution/financial sacrifice would therefore be supporting you and being the sole provider for your child. Nothing wrong with that, but I think you would be unreasonable to expect him to also give you £1400 on top to keep your other home ticking over - he would effectively be paying for you twice. You could rent out your current home.

I'm curious as to why you don't feel ready for marriage? Do you not see having a child together as a bigger commitment?

Well that's my point - either he's a casual partner in which case don't uproot your life, or he's the husband you committed to and who is willing to make joint sacrifices with you. It seems from OP that she does want to do the joint sacrifices thing (he funds her career break, she quits her job) so it's very odd to me to say that marriage isn't something they're ready for... when it's the legal institution explicitly designed for the setup she says she wants

Is there a reason he hasn’t tried to find a job where you live? Did you say you’d be happy to move across the country? What’s his plan if you don’t agree?

eta - do you love him?

What if she 'gives her all' and it doesn't work and she no longer has a stable home and life for her child?

@10064a what is it that you actually really truly want ?

This always baffles me on here. Talking about practicalities and finances in relationships? 'OP you've no emotion. This is about love, do you love him? Do you?!''

Talking about wanting to live together/marry/take any relationship to any next level because they she's feeling something and is happy?

'You're mad OP. Have you thought about the practicalities? Finances? What about XYZ situation? Love isn't everything y'know!!'

Why should she uproot herself and “give it her all?” Her dd has a workable set up right now. Why would moving in with this casual partner be better?

Rent your house?

Yanbu. It's such a weird site sometimes....

Women who haven't thought through the practicalities are sneered at.

Then a poster comes along, trying to protect herself and her daughter and still people aren't happy.

I think you need to consider more OP that you can ask this and he can say yes. But without the wedding band, you could be up shit creek at a moments notice as he will hold all the power and be able to renege on all agreements at any time.

OP he should be offering this to you come and live with me take as much time as you want to settle in etc

Shes choosing not to get a job quicky because she thinks it will take 6 month's to settle in her daughter.

Others DC settled into new environments fast that doesn't mean ops will or that she should take that chance

I find these financial discussions so cold when both parties make plenty of money but the idea is that, that doesn't matter she doesn't matter because it's got to be financially fair (????) and therefore the two years old shld go into care.

Why do some people bother having DC