My mum is jealous !

WildLeader · 11/06/2025 13:07

She wants to feel superior to her kids. She doesn’t want to be outshone?

was she always favouring your db?

people like this don’t change

you’re realising that your mother is jealous of you a good 10 years before I did. It hurts, I know, but you need to do what’s right for you.

get on with buying your own home, don’t talk to her about it and if she says anything tell her you’re unhappy about her reaction, that it’s sad to be unhappy for your child, and you’re disappointed in her, but that it won’t stop you.

Ariela · 10/06/2025 18:25

Just buy the flat - and don't tell her you bought it,

Hatty65 · 10/06/2025 17:37

Elsvieta · 07/06/2025 12:02

It's probably because few women of her generation ever lived alone or bought a home alone (depending on her age, it might have been literally impossible - some mortgage lenders wouldn't lend to single women, once upon a time). Either she just couldn't do it or it never really seemed feasible to her because of societal expectations etc. And so now, yes, she's jealous. I've seen this a few times - older women who seem angered by the choices of younger women to choose to go into certain careers / work abroad / choose not to marry / choose not to have children etc. The older women didn't feel free to make the same choices when they were young - they were expected to marry young, have children, be homemakers etc and although it was obviously not against the law to rebel against expectations, the world they lived in made it very difficult (eg because it was harder for a woman to get a job that made enough money to live independently). And they do sometimes take out their anger about that on the wrong person.

Blimey.

I've got DC the age of the OP and I bought my own home when in my 20s. A lot of women of 'my generation' did. And we lived alone, thanks. What a bunch of ageist and mysoginistic bull. I would argue it was probably easier for us as professionals - I didn't need two salaries or a bloke like you do nowadays.

We grew up in the 1980s - not the 1900s.

Whatwouldnanado · 10/06/2025 17:05

Buy it and enjoy your independence. Now, quick before the price goes up. Be proud and happy.

Deathinvegas · 10/06/2025 17:01

yestothat · 07/06/2025 12:08

are you still living with her rent free/cheaply and have been talking about this for years? If so YABU, she’s not jealous she’s annoyed

I have no idea why the OP mum is doing this.
But in the OP defence she’s probably been talking about it for years because it’s taken her years to save for the deposit.

Shit4brains · 08/06/2025 10:07

I feel for you. My mum was jealous of pretty much everything I did/had (house, career, relationships, travel, car, clothes, furniture!) you name it! It was exhausting so eventually I gave up pandering and trying to please her. Ultimately I decided to ignore it, do what I wanted and every time she said something snarky, I’d respond along the lines of ‘each to their own eh mum’.
It’s your life, enjoy your new flat. It’s an exciting time for you and well done!

AcquadiP · 08/06/2025 10:04

MoominMai · 07/06/2025 12:54

@OneAquaEagle90 totally relate unfortunately. My mom was exactly the same. In my 30s, I was working FT and had been since leaving uni resisting all my moms attempts to force me into an arranged marriage (I’m British Indian). My brother chose to not work as hard as me and my parents basically indulged him which I think made him worse. Anyway, when I bought my first home, my mom refused to talk to me or even come over for a year! I learnt not to tell either my parents when I got promoted either as she would also either leave the room, ignore me or basically sneer at how I’m showing off?! I remembered one time after getting a promotion my dad saying ‘why are you telling me?’ 😔

For ref I’m pretty much an introvert and so these are huge milestones for me as someone who only ever left the house to go to work. It’s really affected my self esteem and notion of worth going forward as it dawned on me, every bit of success I had only empthasised the shortcomings of my brother who was very much the favoured child.

I would have liked to go NC but my mom can’t speak English and after my dad passed, my brother is so unreliable that despite her views being the same, I still check in her every so often as I don’t want it on my conscience if anything bad should happen to her because my brother was distracted elsewhere.

I don’t have any answer’s unfortunately except accepting this is how it will forever be. Crazy as it sounds, they are annoyed at you for daring to be a success ahead of the favourite child. It’s a mad thing to know my mom would rather I had remained a failure. Even now, she constantly tells me I’m dumb for working so hard and what is it for if I have no family?! Ugh! I have had to grow and you will too I imagine, rhino skin to cope with such a family member. Right now I’m working towards a promotion and should I get it, I won’t even be able to tell my own mother as it will make her hate me even more. Crazy!

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First of all, well done for all of your hard work and accomplishments. I'm white British and apart from the arranged marriage pressure, I had the same experiences with my mother. I agree there's nothing OP can do other than live her best life and share only the mundane aspects of life with her mother.

Emmz1510 · 08/06/2025 09:46

Is she upset about you leaving rather than jealous?
Maybe there is something about her life she isn’t happy with and is resentful that you get to set up on your own in a new place, happy and independent with your future in front of you.
When you say she’s been doing this for years I suspect you mean sucking the joy out of everything you do and achieve. Well, don’t let her do it anymore. It’s time to buy that home and move forward with your life.

FozzieP · 08/06/2025 09:24

My mother appeared to be jealous - no other explanation for her behaviour toward me. She wasn’t happy that I’d had the education she felt she’d been denied - it was all I could do to finish sixth form she was so begrudging of ‘keeping’ me. She wasn’t too happy about my subsequent career and then, when my third child was coming, she and my father refused to acknowledge the pregnancy. Afterwards she told me it was because I was a bad mother to the two I already had.
My brother was a drinking, drug taking womaniser who in the end had been married three times and walked away from them all, had five children we knew of (not all by his wives) and was an unemployed drunk.
At the wedding of one of my sons my father made the only nice comment that either of them ever had about my children or did again and said: ‘they’re three grand lads’ - they were and are. At this remark my mother turned her back.
I think that your mother, like I believe mine was, is jealous that you’ve done alright for yourself and perhaps better than your brother has managed to do for himself.
I don’t know why she can’t be happy for you and feel for you. For your parent to begrudge what you have and what you’ve done is so disheartening.

DeliaOwens · 08/06/2025 08:57

Is it possible, she may be afraid? Afraid for you living alone, afraid for her not being able to afford rent/utilities without your income, afraid of progress? Fear does strange things to people.

Figcherry · 08/06/2025 08:42

chatgptsbestmate · 08/06/2025 08:27

She doesn't sound jealous.

She sounds pissed off that you keep banging on about buying a property and don't get on and buy one

No, she’s jealous.
Golden dc isn’t performing how the dm thinks he should.

chatgptsbestmate · 08/06/2025 08:27

She doesn't sound jealous.

She sounds pissed off that you keep banging on about buying a property and don't get on and buy one

SpryCat · 08/06/2025 08:25

Well done @MoominMai for following your own path, I hope you have lots of supportive friends.

londongirl12 · 08/06/2025 08:18

If she’s done it for years, maybe she’s annoyed you keep going on about it and don’t actually do it

Nikki75 · 08/06/2025 08:14

Just buy your home you are 32 leave mum to her weird reactions I wouldn't give her headspace.
Or ask her why do you get all weird when i talk about this .. is she a jealous person with other things you do .
Just do it .

J578 · 08/06/2025 07:18

Renabrook · 07/06/2025 11:56

Well this otherwise it feels you are attention seeking

Juat get on with it

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purchasing a home is a big deal, she should be able to talk about it in front of her Mum without her getting angry, surely!

TorroFerney · 08/06/2025 06:47

Butchyrestingface · 07/06/2025 13:33

I cant understand it someone please let me know this is not one or two comments she has done this for years

If you've been talking about buying a flat for years and still haven't done so, what between you and your brother, she's probably just bored witless at this point rather than jealous.

I didnt read it as the mum has been funny about the house buying rather she’s got firm for making these kind of comments

Loulabelle1234 · 08/06/2025 06:22

ZekeZeke · 07/06/2025 11:57

Do you live with her? Maybe she is worried about living alone?
Regardless, she should be happy for you, but I would keep your business to yourself, she is sucking the joy out of your happy news.
Congratulations, just buy it!

This!

Tourmalines · 07/06/2025 23:05

Tigger1895 · 07/06/2025 19:28

Possibly because she has her shit together and her older brother doesn’t. Some older women believe the man should be in a better financial position than women.

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Or possibly she’s not even jealous at all .

Mememe9898 · 07/06/2025 22:57

You said she’s been doing this for years. Maybe she’s bored of hearing you talk about it and not take action? 😅

cupfinalchaos · 07/06/2025 22:21

TorroFerney · 07/06/2025 12:17

It’s amazing how many mothers are, lack of opportunities they had that you had, dissatisfaction with their lives. My mum told my father in law not to leave us any money as we are “affluent” she’s jealous I sense that I have a husband who doesn’t go to the pub every day, cooks and cleans and doesn’t beat me up. Whereas the usual thing would be to be pleased for your child.

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I have never, ever been able to understand this. My dd is an adult now but I still (rightly or wrongly) feel responsible for her. If she has something I never had I feel like I’ve now been given it because she has it!

Robynxoxo · 07/06/2025 21:47

Kathbrownlow · 07/06/2025 12:05

I had a similar mum. She won't change and there is nothing you can say to improve the situation. You don't have to tell her things and you don't have to visit her. She is never going to support you or be pleased for you. It's horrible to realise this but it means that you really don't owe her your time or attention. Good luck with the flat purchase.

Yup my own mother is the excact same. Hates to see anyone do anything with their lives, even her own children. Very bitter woman.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/06/2025 21:18

@OneAquaEagle90 has she mentioned helping you to buy a flat at all?? probably not! you are not the golden child obviously

Petlover9 · 07/06/2025 21:16

Kathbrownlow · 07/06/2025 12:05

I had a similar mum. She won't change and there is nothing you can say to improve the situation. You don't have to tell her things and you don't have to visit her. She is never going to support you or be pleased for you. It's horrible to realise this but it means that you really don't owe her your time or attention. Good luck with the flat purchase.

Be careful buying a flat - regarding service charges and ground rent. See if you can find a small house that is freehold, if possible.

Bearlady · 07/06/2025 21:13

@MoominMai I feel for you as you are so unsupported by those who should the most. Keep going and I hope you have good friends who cheer you on