I can’t stand my MIL

Your partner is the problem, he will always choose his mum over you and expect you to put up with her abuse.Their relationship is too close, he’s been brought up to be her best friend, her emotional support and its emotional incest. He treats his mum as if she is his partner, only has loyalty to her and you will always be treated like the bit on the side. That’s why he runs to her when there is any problems between you both, they protect each other and why she tried to take your baby off you when you went to leave him.
You need to report any physical violence to the police, take pictures of any scratches or injuries and tell your doctor, it’s proof you may need in the future. She will try to take your baby from you and will want to bring baby up as her own and your bf will stand by her.
You need to secretly ask your parents if you can go to live with them with your baby, tell them what’s going on. Start gathering both of your birth certificates, passport and any important paperwork, act normal and once he goes out to work, pack and leave. If you give any indication to him your leaving, he will call his mum and she will try to wrestle the baby off you. You need to act normal and leave asap!

Protect your child.

Your DP seems to be a pretty useless father who doesn't put the best interests of his child or his partner above those of his mother. He's absolutely not a good partner. You could do much better.

You have a huge DP problem. How dependent are you on him financially? I would be looking at moving as far away from MIL as I reasonably could. Do you have any support elsewhere?

You have a DH problem!!!! He ASKED her to stop pulling your hair??? That is not what should have happened. He should have forced her to let go and chuck her out the house!! You need to set your bar higher, you need to protect your child and you TELL him he needs to do better in future!

If someone can dislike you enough to attack you, (& want to bring the child up herself?!) , then what will she be telling your child as they grow up?!
No way I’d want her around my child.

I can’t believe your DH is totally fine with her behaviour, and he must be fine else he’d have stepped up at the time and afterwards to show his support for you.
And he hasn’t 🤷🏼‍♀️
As is often said in here, you have a DH problem not just a MIL problem.

I think my only compromise would be if he insists on her seeing your child, it would be only when you’re there, and at a cafe so you can walk away. I wouldn’t have her in my home. But this would only be AFTER he speaks to him Mum about her unacceptable behaviour, AFTER she apologises to you. And AFTER your DH treats your concerns as valid, which they very much are.
A last resort could be to tell your DH you will report the attack by your MIL - but of course there is no way back from that so it depends what you want.

Tell him you’re going to talk to your family and friends (and actually do) about what’s happened and whether it’s appropriate she have contact with your baby. Say this is because you have very differing views and it will be helpful to know what others who aren’t emotionally invested think. If he’s dead against it it’s because he knows he’s in the wrong and you’ll be told by people to keep away. In that instance I’d be confident he will never get the risk his mum poses. If he supports your plan though then that’s an indicator he’s got a skewed understanding of the situation and would benefit from help to see things clearly.

Did your partner have an abusive childhood? Is that why he thinks it’s ok to allow his mum to look after the baby because he thinks abuse is normal? You being a people pleaser means you are less likely to say no and stick to your guns, abusive people love people pleasers. They walk all over you deliberately, stepping all over your boundaries. They don’t care what you think or how you feel, they won’t accept you have any right to disagree and their word is law … just like your BF, he doesn’t agree with you about his mum so is coercing you to give his mum the baby. He is belittling your concerns as utter nonsense and will ensure his baby will be at risk.

Keep your child away from her. She’s violent. I grew up with a very violent mother, lucky I wasn’t hospitalised, and am now no contact with both parents. My dad brushed it all under the carpet as we played being a nice middle class family and he tried to normalise her behaviour to us. Took me a long time to see it wasn’t ’just mum’ so your partner may be in the denial stage where he doesn’t see how bad it is. My mum was also capable of pretending to be very normal and nice to others.

Although I now have my own very happy and loving family, my childhood where I lived in constant fear, always treading on eggshells in case it triggered a violent outburst, is something I carry with me everyday and I’ve spent years trying to recover. Don’t put your child in that situation, simply put, some people shouldn’t be around children.

@e8ily is there always alcohol involved OP? who the hell take a baby into a put? neither your dp nor your mil appear sensible enough to be left caring for a baby. Not sure if it is partner or husband. if want to stay with him then you need to just say that you dont want to go out so you are not put in the position of choosing a babysitter. you do have the option of your parents though, who seem to live pretty close to you. does you partner work, does she try to come when he is at work? If she does, then I wouldnt let her in just in case she kicks off.

If you had phoned the police then that would have reduced the likelihood of her getting unsupervised access to your baby in event of split.

If it happens again make sure you report it and keep a note of any threatening comments too.

Your problem is your DP. He needs to grow up and stop being a mummy's boy at every argument. Explain to him how toxic it is for a grandmother to threaten to move in and take a child away from it's mother. That would never have been in the best interest of his son but he's refusing to see that. Ask him why

YANBU. I wouldn't be able to see my partner in the same light if his Mum assaulted me and he expected me to just sweep it under the rug; it would be the end of the relationship for me. You need to be wary of both your partner and his Mum if he's so blasé about violence (even if he's yet to put his hands on you), it's not healthy to normalise this behaviour.

Both your husband and his mum are the problem.

Your husband is putting his mum in the relationship. He's calling her to bitch about you. He's involving her when you have an argument. He's impacting her view of you telling her all the negative stuff. I bet.he never says anything nice about you.

Your MIL doesn't have any business pulling your hair or assaulting you. She shouldn't be in your business but she wouldn't be if your H wasn't involving her.

I think you need some healthy boundaries in your relationship. I think you need to tell H to stop calling his mummy and involving her in your arguments. If he doesnt then I think you need to end the relationship. However, if you do that she/mil will have access to your child while you are not there because you can't control what H does during his contact time.

Your MIL is abusive, you can’t physically assault someone and demand that it’s swept under the rug. You feel unsafe in her company and your baby’s safety comes first, your DP is a terrible boyfriend and father. He doesn’t care about your feelings or protecting you or his baby, he only cares about himself. He doesn’t care if his mum looks after the baby and gets injured or killed, he just wants a night out having fun.
You have to ensure baby’s safety and if that means pissing everyone off because they are toxic (that includes bf) then so be it, even it it means the end of your relationship because frankly my dear, he doesn’t give a damn.

My child wouldn't be having a relationship with someone who attacked me or anyone else. It doesn't matter if she's his gran, she's shown herself to be violent.

Please tell me you reported her to the police when she attacked you?

She’s not a great nan to him if she assaulted his mother. I would never ever leave my child with her (I can say that with confidence as I don’t leave my kids with FIL). DH needs to get on your side too and stand up for you and his child - MIL attacked you, presumably postpartum if this was a couple of months ago! He should be disgusted.
You can’t break up either because then MIL will have free access to the baby all the time it seems.

(ETA - I agree with other posters saying do leave, find out about access though, I assume he would need to see his child but I don’t know about that side of things.)

Darling, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your partner is a complete arsehole. His mum is number one in his life and even after she has assaulted you he is prepared to meet up in secret with her behind your back. Colluding against you.

It is unbelievable that he wants you to leave your baby with her and actually I wouldn't be wanting to go on any nights out with him.

Please tell someone in real life what is going on and consider if you are able to leave.

If you want to remain in the relationship then both your partner and her need to earn back your trust. I’d expect acknowledgement from both of them that what she did was completely wrong, and an explanation as to why they think it’s not ok for the baby to witness behaviour like that. I’d then expect a sincere apology from her. Finally, I’d want for her to only see the baby with you present, or with your partner but only if he asks and you give permission. Whenever you saw mil I’d expect for her to be incredibly respectful during these visits, listening to you and asking permission to help with the baby. Once you had all the above perhaps you could rebuild a relationship with her some to extent. Sadly from
what you’ve said I’m not confident that either of them have the capacity to do all the above.

If you let your child stay with a woman who assaulted you, you are mad.
this woman is a violent nut. How is this even on the cards.
if social services get wind of this, you will have a referral made . Unbelievable. You definitely have a DH problem.

This. Your partner is as bad as she is: he witnessed her assault and yet wants her to care for your baby overnight. I would be getting together everything you need and doing a flit in the night.

Leave and move far away

Oh no OP, you're under no obligation. Get rid if you can.

I sympathise. My MIL has also been getting involved in arguments between me and DH since we had DD 8mo. Last time, she showed up at our house shouting and accusing me of having an affair! (Ofc, why else could I have a problem.with her perfect son?!)

I told her to leave and never come back. It's shit because we have no other support locally and I've just gone back to work, but you don't need toxic BS behaviour around your baby.

You're in a threesome OP. I imagine he's always been deeply enmeshed with his mother and will continue to do so. They sound very dysfunctional.

You seem to be playing down her violence and abusive behaviour towards you. The fact that she was angry isn't a good reason to assult her daughter in law in front of her grandchild. It's a pity you didn't report her to the police at the time.

Your partner is also a problem as he appears to think that this is absolutely normal and not a good reason to keep his child away from his mum.

You are focusing on your MIL when the real issue is your DH and his inability to see that his mother has acted reprehensibly towards you and that it is unreasonable of him to expect you to brush it under the carpet. However, if you split he will have his child at certain times and I don't doubt your MIL will be present some if not all of the time.