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AIBU?

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Original poster

New grandparents to be. . . . .

57 replies

RadiovTV · 06/06/2025 21:46

do not underestimate how hard it is looking after a baby. I did, after all, I've brought up 3, and babysat for several others when mine were young. So now my grandson is 12 months and I'm finding it soooooo wearing. Overlooked the fact I'm 40 years older now with a niggling knee. It's full on and brutal.

I offered to look after him 1 day a week while dd goes back to work, then she'd need to pay one less nursery day. Thank goodness she's smarter and wiser than me. "No mum, you can look after him for as long as you want whenever you want but I don't want you to feel obliged or tie your days down".
I often look after him for an hour or three while she gets stuff done - or goes out for coffee at the weekend with a child free friend, or in fact I just visit and play with him and watch and entertain him and it's great and he loves me 😍
All the times I look after him are extra to childcare so dd and sil can take advantage of a bit of free time together.
But thank goodness she was sensible and recognised my limits. Otherwise dd would be one of those posters writing and complaining that mother had promised the earth and was falling short, and how annoying that is. And I'd be one of those grandparents who felt bad about letting her down.

So grandparents to be - beware. It's a doddle when you're 25 or 30. It's 10 times harder when you're 65 or 70. Be warned.

OP posts:
Original poster
RadiovTV · 07/06/2025 00:13

but for now being an essential part of my grandchildrens' lives is not something I need or want to stop being

I am absolutely an essential part of my grandchild's life and nor do I ever want to stop being that. I spend loads of precious time with him. I'm just not relied upon for childcare. That makes it all a lot more fun.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 06/06/2025 23:44

I agree but we also have 3dds and I don’t want to promise something then only be able to do it for first grandchildren and not others. I will help out and would love sleep overs and days out, but not weekly childcare.

AliBaliBee1234 · 06/06/2025 23:40

There seems to be an assumption that everyone finds it hard and a chore. That's not the case. My in-law's practically begged to have my baby a couple of times a week and said it's given them a new lease of life.

It's great you and your daughter know your limits but everyone has different outlooks and energy levels.

Sonolanona · 06/06/2025 23:30

I don't find this at all.

I have looked after my 4 yr old dgs since he was 9 months old, and will continue to do before and after school when he starts in September, when I will also take on baby no 2. I have done 2-3 days a week, sometimes 16 hours+ as my Dd and SIL are nurses/shift workers.

Yes I'm tired. But I'm tired in my (now part time) job , which is also working with children! I balance it by having hobbies, playing sport and trying to keep as fit as possible.
IF I become physically unable to manage (I have arthritis) then we will reassess, but for now being an essential part of my grandchildrens' lives is not something I need or want to stop being. My DD absolutely does not take me for granted and I enjoy having a pivotal role in the childrens' development. (probably because I work in early years education 😀)

I'm old, often sore and stiff, but keeping up with a 4 year old stops me feeling like an old lady!

BusyExpert · 06/06/2025 23:09

I second this. My DIL has taken the same attitude with both her mother and me. We are there for emergencies, fun times and when my son and she want some couple time. Its very hard work, the heart may be willing the body no longer complies

Original poster
RadiovTV · 06/06/2025 23:04

Really affected the grandparent role

I can see how that might happen. Fraught because the parents can't see the gp's are having difficulty managing because gp's are hiding it and feeling guilty, and not wanting to let anyone down.

Fraught for the grandparents because they can't or don't know how to admit they can't keep it up.

I feel like we've landed in the Goldilocks area. All the time we spend with our grandchild is by our choice and with no pressure. I see him several times a week for an hour or two. Dd can have a leisurely shower after work while son in law makes their dinner. I read to the baby and make him laugh. Or I nip in a couple of times a week and take him out for a walk in his buggy while they maybe catch up on some life admin or just take a breather from being a parent.

I don't have to, but I 'want' to. And I don't just turn up unannounced. I text first and ask if it would be helpful for us to drop by. Sometimes they're organised and say "No, that's okay thanks, he's looking tired and will soon be asleep" Other times they have pressing stuff to do and he's dancing on the ceiling. In which case "Yeah, that'd be great if you could come and read with him for a bit"

And on many occasions we're busy ourselves so can't offer. And they're fine with that because they don't expect anything. Consequently, the time we spend with our grandson is on our terms "and" their terms and we all fully understand that.
This modus operandi means that we spend several hours a week with our grandchild, at times that suit ALL of us. Like when they have stuff to do.
And we don't have stuff to do. Notwithstanding we absolutely love him and spending time with him.

Not so sure if I was run ragged looking after him 8 hours a day.
Like, looking after him 8am till 6pm every Tuesday is having a job, not a grandson.

OP posts:
CrumpledTShirt · 06/06/2025 22:05

Really sensible approach by you and your DD.

My DM looked after my first child, part time. We paid her the going rate.

Rountine childcare meant neither she, or my dad, did any additional care or spent other fun times with my DC.

She stopped when I had my second as she couldn't look after them both.

Really affected the grandparent role.