To be angry my husband sleeps at his mums 3-5 nights at a time when he’s working?

I have a couple of friends who have husbands who work away regularly - one has a husband who works away M-F every week (they have 2 kids) and one whose husband travels for weeks and weeks at a time, many times a year.

The first one dropped to 60% working (as a teacher so out of the house) as she just couldn't make it work for pickup and dropoff every single day and keep working full time. But she did do it for years first - her kids are 9/5 now. The second one took early retirement as her husband sold his company and did really well with it. Their kids are 12/5 so she also had years and years of somewhat single parenting for the majority of the time. But none of these children have additional needs (and there are only 2!) so that's a whole extra challenge.

I think basically this isn't going to work for you and you will break. Appreciate that your son has a specific school requirement but could you move slightly nearer your husband's work? Somewhere in the middle so it's not so brutal on everyone? Can you use the promotion money to drop your own hours or pay for parking twice a week or something? Can he park at his parents, get to work, go back for the car and drive home or is that just as bad?

Agree with this 100%.

Absolutely this. He could get up early and drive but he doesn’t want to because his set up suits him. No thought for his wife and children.

Of course you were having a bad day!! I wouldn’t cope with this. You need to sit him down and say I get you are prioritising sleep. But you are not realising how hard carrying the family while I support your work is. If we keep going on as we are then I will fall over in a heap, and you will have to take carers leave until I recover, which is often weeks when overworked women just can’t keep going anymore. I need more support - I need you to suck up the commute more often, less nights at your parents, I suggested that to help you and you are taking the piss by moving in there for half the week, and when you’re home you will need to do some things like batch cook to support me during the week. If you can’t manage those then prepare your explanation for why you need two weeks emergency leave to look after your kids, and both of our careers will struggle.

that seems wholly reasonable to me.

Why is this so hard for me? I’m trying to be supportive honestly but I just feel so alone and it’s making me irritable. So.., how I can STOP being unreasonable about this?? @ladyrushford

It's hard for you because it's sh@t for you and great for him.
It's hard because it *is" hard and you are alone.

Why do you want to stop BU? Is it to make life easier for your DH?

From your updates its clear you are facilitating your DH's career by sacrificing your own health - physically tired and emotionally draught alone and frustrated.

What's in it for you? If you really want to stop BU then you need something to hold on to that makes it worth it for YOU otherwise you can gaslight yourself all you want but the resentment will continue to build.

I don’t think people understand, unless they e lived in the same circumstances.

My husband worked away for years. It was pretty lonely and miserable for him a lot of the time. I was at home with the kids and I think I had the better end of the deal.

When your child has SEND, careers are often impacted to care for them and you have to sacrifice promotions. As a mum of a SEN child I’ve had to give up my career sadly.

Is there another role your DH can take that doesn’t have these unreasonable hours? A step down even?

Move house if it’s bothering you.🤷‍♀️🙄

Oh, here we go ….

4:30 isn't that early my DH gets up at that time if he's going into work and at 5:00 if he's not, I'm usually up at 5:30.

Compromise, he stays at his parents on the most difficult shifts a certain amounts of times a month.
Shift work is a killer especially with a commute too.
Agree he only does it for so many years then looks for something more local if possible.

My DH is away minimum 2 nights a week for work. Atleast he's honest about how relaxing it is in the evening : going to a restaurant, cinema, sleep in a nice hotel room.

If you can’t move, can he transfer? (for the greater good 😁, sorry couldn’t resist).

I bet he’s loving it. Gets to bugger off and escape from his children most of the time and a nice sleep and mummy and daddies house.

Do you think he shouldn’t have fathered three children then?

He’s having a laugh! You’ve got three children, one of which is disabled and he wants to sleep away from home because he doesn’t want to get up early, or pay for parking?! I’d be telling him to bloody give his head a wobble!

You seem very angry at the choices someone else has made. I have plenty of self-respect, and the way we live works for us. Yes it’s hard at times, and I have struggled, but anything worth fighting for (and we believe it is) will be.

Clearly you have no experience of travelling / being away for work. It’s not the glamourous lifestyle you might think. However lovely the hotel, he’s there on his own, finishing off work in an anonymous room until bedtime and then leaving crack of dawn to get to the office. He’s not using the spa facilities and draining the minibar… Or he’s sitting on yet another delayed flight, hoping he gets to his destination soon so he can get some sleep before his long day of meetings. He’s well compensated for all this, but it’s still lonely and tiring.

As I said in my original post, just because you can’t understand something, doesn’t mean it’s wrong, so please try not to be so judge-y: we all make different choices and compromises.

Seriously OP, what did you expect if your partner is a cop?

It is hardly ever going to be a family-friendly, 9 to 5 job...

If you want a long term change you have two options:

• you move closer to his work
• he pursues a new career.

At the moment it makes sense for him to sleep at his parents' house rather than spend his time on the road going back and forth.

Can he not come home after work then drive to his parents after putting the kids to bed ? At least for some of the days to give you a break.
He gets to relax all evening and you don't which doesn't seem fair..

@ladyrushford you must be very lonely working from home, young family disabled child. You need some fun in your life and a babysitter.

Is there a Facebook group for your area. That's where I pick up the best information.

I've had a few friends whose husband were in the oil exploration industry. They'd set up a baby sitting circle I joined. They coped with loneliness by joining a gym, playing badminton. Have a look around FB.

And while he’s busy catching up on sleep on his days off , who’s looking after the kids then ? . Better to be a fully engaged parent on his rest days , than having g the kids creeping round the house so Daddy ( or in our house Mummy ) can sleep on his day off and them still not getting to spend time with him.

It is shit. And it’s not fair . And it’s not as easy as saying “ well get him to change his role , or his shift pattern “
Applying for a new role can take months , even years . I know people in the organisation who applied , passed the paper sift , were successful in their interview board, and are still waiting to be released from their old role two years later . You can ask for flexible working and all they have to do is consider it , and then reject it quoting some unspecified business need . I had to apply for holiday leave for April 2025 -.2026 in July 2024 . The only way to change things quickly , is to resign , because all you have to give is 28 days notice.

You’re going to have to have the same discussions that DH and I had . And approach it as a team, not two sides , which was the trap we fell into at first . There’s no winner in any of it .

This is silly. The obvious solution is HE DRIVES. And pay parking. With the money from the promotion.

Plenty of shift workers get up at 04.30.

Most workers, whatever their shifts, don't stay at their mum's for four nights particularly if they have three children at home and a working partner!