Frustrated with adult dd

I dont think you’re being harsh, my DB and DSIL are like this, think they’re amazing parents but the house is bogging, the kids smell of a mixture of smoke, dog and if I’m honest poverty. DSIL never looks like a mess but DNs are often in school shoes with holes, and washed out clothes that are too small for them that have been handed down about 5 kids in the family before DB and DSIL take them.

its a low level of neglect. But fair warning, my mum will clean, remind them to make sure kids hair is washed and nails are clean, and is honest. They hate her for it. Even though she buys them clothes, brings them booked meals, has DNs overnight, they think her criticism makes them the victim and that she’s mean. They have never changed in 13 years. No one else says it to their face, but deffo says it behind their back. So be careful how you approach it, she won’t thank you for it

You can come and clean my place if you’d like OP.

I know my mom sometimes has these judgements on me.
she’ll say my son needs and haircut then just takes him.
clothes, i’ll say i’m going after pay day ( because i’m at work during the week and can’t afford to get clothes straight away) and she’ll just go ahead and get him some.
I’m grateful for the help but because my timeline isn’t immediately because of work I worry she judges me.

I’m doing my best- I clean at weekends but single parenting and working full time is hard! Sometimes all i can do is crash out on the sofa because I’m so tired. It’s hard to ask for help because I should be able to do it all.

Do you project this onto your daughter?

How well do you know your daughter, OP? She’s probably well aware how far below your standards she’s fallen but knows she has to suck it up because she badly needs your help. Is that the relationship you want?

My mum thinks my standards are too low. I disagree and can’t stand the judgment (I’ve had 40 years of it now) because it makes me
feel so terrible, so I only see her infrequently so I can be sure to do a proper deep clean before she arrives, and I never leave her alone in my house because she’ll reorganise all my drawers into a “better” system, or “pop a wash on” without checking labels or working out what wash cycle she’s put it on.

Maybe you are a lovely mum who just wants to help out. If so, make sure you’re actually trying to help her reach her standards, not impose yours. Would it help if she could afford a cleaner? Can you say you’d like to pay for a cleaner as you can see she just doesn’t have time?

I wouldn't say that 9 is a particularly 'easy' age. I think all seasons of parenthood have their challenges.

You sound like my mum and I can see a lot of myself in your daughter. She is probably well aware that she's struggling so don't make her feel worse.

I work FT and have 3 children, housework is a struggle as my home and work life often collide and I feel so overwhelmed sometimes that I don't even know where to start so I have to prioritise.
I really am doing my best though and that will look different for different people. I'd be absolutely devastated if my mother turned around and called me lazy. Especially as a single mother working FT and thriving at work.

I actually suspect undiagnosed ADHD from what you've described. Please be kind to her OP. I say this as a child who was/is very heavily criticised/judged by her mother and has incredibly low self esteem as a result.

Totally depends on whether your “standards” are unrealistic/ unreasonable and you are being overly judgey. My MIL thinks I’m a bit grubby/ untidy and lazy, because I don’t dust, I don’t iron, and I don’t fold alot of the children's clothes in their drawers. I don’t polish their school shoes as often as I should. Their coats are often muddy. I just don’t fucking care about folding underwear or pyjamas. Life is too short, and I don’t apologise for that. I don’t weed my driveway or remove the crumbs from my toaster. So therefore I am a lazy sloven.

oh, by the way, I work long hours as a doctor and my husband doesn’t do any domestic chores. But it’s all down to my laziness.

I think giving the house a deep clean would be great, but some might be horrified. Can you ask DD before she goes if she'd mind if you do some deep cleaning on bits around the house just to help out instead of getting bored. Keeps it light and prevents awkwardness / upset when she gets back.

DO NOT clean her house unless she asks you. Don't even offer.

It is very undermining!!! So what if her tea towels are a bit grubby. How about you spoil her with a spa weekend or something. She'll ask for help in her own sheet time if she needs it.

Sounds like my house and my kids. We love each other very much and are very close, and I have a husband and only work part time but my tea towels get grubby and I'm slow to replace clothes that are outgrown. Part of that is that I find it hard to admit they are growing up but part of it is that it just slips down the to do list and I will always choose to spend good time with them instead if it's needed (which it usually is).

You do you, and let her do her.

So you worked part time. Probably had no money worries, plenty of time to keep your house clean. You are overbearing and judgmental, and you wonder why she if she isn’t coping very well that she wouldn’t tell you.

I think you are being a little judgemental. However, if my mum thought I had a dirty house and wasn't looking after her DGC, she would say. Just talk to your daughter- without the judgement! Help if you want to, don't help if you don't want to!

I think she's just got very different priorities to you. You're ma6be a neat freak, she doesn’t care. Her son probably has a great immune system as a result.
You're fussy about kids looking just so - she's more relaxed.

Just step back. You're interfering.

You haven't been in her shoes at all so I think you need to wind your neck in about her being lazy, she doesn't sound lazy to me at all.
If I knew my mother was talking about me in this tone I'd tell her to fuck off frankly.

Be careful how you approach this if you actually want to help your daughter.

Oh goodness me, too much. Maybe ask if there is anything she needs doing whilst she is away.

And can you imagine the bashing on here if you were the MiL!

I think you need to have a chat with your DD but not in the judgemental way you have come across on here. If it was my DD and she was struggling I would want to know and help in any way I could.

If you want to help help from a place of love not judgement and criticism

I started out writing a long reply, and then thought all I need say is your being very judgmental. As a full time working parent I don't clean the my house as well as my mum did but she worked very part time.
Who wants to spend all there weekends cleaning and who doesn't want to make school uniform stretch to the end of term at this time of year?

What level of grubby house are we talking about? Just manky tea towels, bit of dust and general clutter or completely unhygienic counters, 3 days of dishes, bathrooms that are practically unusable?

Likewise, how dishevelled is he? Clothes a bit faded, small washed stains and a bit short? Or very noticeably the wrong size and dirty?

These things will change the advice you need.

When DC comes to you next weekend, could you ask your DD when she drops him off if she would like you to take him for a haircut? If she says yes, maybe buy him some new clothes on the same trip out, but I wouldn't buy too much and I wouldn't make a big fuss about it.
I would be mortified if my mum had just come into my house and cleaned it. But, when you are at her house, could you maybe ask if she would like you to put a load of washing on, or do some ironing? If she says no, just accept it and don't push.

Offer in advance. Say you’d like to as a gesture to ease the burden on her.

So you had a partner/husband and worked part time whilst your daughter is a single parent and works full time?
I feel you are adding the hair and make up stuff to prove your point a bit.

How bad is the kitchen and bathroom though? Grubby and untidy doesnt equal unhygienic to me.

I must say, you do sound a bit awful. Why not just help without the criticism? He's your grandchild; surely buying him things is not outside of your remit, particularly when his mum is on her own? Did you work full-time while bringing up your children, doing the cleaning, the laundry, the shopping, the gardening, the household admin, taking the bins out, maintaining the car single-handed?

If I was your daughter I would cheerfully tell you to piss off and stop interfering. You’re calling her some strong words - grubby, lazy, and saying she’s only got one kid so should be able to cope.

And why on earth are you interfering in her budgeting? Sounds like you are far too involved in her business.