Frustrated with adult dd

Yet again this weekend we're going to buy him some new underwear & a few bits of new clothes. We don't mind but why do I feel more like his mum than his grandmother? @Frustratedwithadultdd

Such a martyr, aren't you 😂
You think buying a few bits of clothes every now and then makes you his mum, that's hilarious.
And if you don't mind, why are you making such a big deal about it?

She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close. @Frustratedwithadultdd
She seems to have her values the right way round despite having you as a mother. Good for her!

Lots of grandparents buy clothes for their grandchildren without that making them another parent

Mumsnetters judge each other for far less on this forum. Other posters housekeeping or self care is regularly called 'rank' or worse, because they wear shoes in the house, or only shower every two days, or some other MN housekeeping sin.

But heaven forbid that a mother notices that her DD's house is dirty and unhygienic. Note that she hasn't said anything to her DD. But she wants to help, and worries that DD's not coping. But everyone closes ranks and apparently she's the mother from hell?

This. My own mother was judgy like you - eventually I avoided seeing her except duty visits. Don’t do the same to your daughter.

Thank god I never had a judgy mum or MIL!

Just quietly help, don’t pass comment. That’s the best thing you can do.

This post is hideous and I'm so glad you're not my mum!
You say other single mothers manage to cope - how many single mothers homes do you go in? Stop being so judgemental it's gross.

OP you seem completely legitimate in your concerns. Basic hygiene is exactly that, basic. If you see someone perfectly made etc but home is not then that's a worry especially if a child is involved. Stick to your instincts, good luck xx

What makes you feel more like his mother than his grandmother? Did you birth him? Do you arrange his routine dental/GP appointments? Do you attend his parent’s evening? Do you plan and cook his meals, wash his clothes etc?

Honestly if your daughter was struggling she wouldn’t tell you would she? You’re incredibly judgemental and critical of her. We get it, you don’t think she’s a good enough mother/breadwinner/cleaner. She’s trying to do it all and not living up to your high standards in all areas.

Unfortunately for you both, I’m sure she knows exactly how you feel about her.

I'd offer to do it for her as a helping hand (without saying how awful it all is) and only do it if she agrees.

My mother came into my house when I was on honeymoon as she thought it would be nice to make sure it was all spic and span for our return. I get the thought was kind but I felt really uncomfortable that she had come in and got into stuff while I was away. I don't like my personal space invaded. I had no problems keeping my home immaculate anyway.

I’m a single parent working more or less full time hours. I have 2 children but it’s bloody hard work doing everything. I haven’t sat down at all today. You have no idea how hard it is having to be responsible for earning the majority of the income as well as the majority day to day care of kids. In most functional two parent households these responsibilities are split between two people. With two people one can be making dinner whilst the other helps the kids with homework, then after dinner one person can clear up and run the hoover round whilst the other does bath and bedtime. My house is a complete state at the moment because I’m trying to decorate the third bedroom so my children can have their own rooms, so a lot of other cleaning tasks are deprioritised. I hate the kitchen floor being mucky but I’ll get to it when I get to it. When a couple with kids splits up there isn’t some magic fairy who comes along and does what the other parent would be doing.

My mum helps me but does it in a non judgemental way. She asks how she can help and then does what I ask. What helps me is that she brings over a home made dinner once a week and on another night she takes my children to an extra curricular so I can work.

if your dd is working 9-5 assuming she isn’t wfh would mean being out of the house from 8-6 minimum. That doesn’t leave a lot of hours for spending quality time with children and doing housework, at least not during the week.

Your poor daughter. She could be really struggling and you don't have a clue. She's unlikely to confide in you when you are so judgemental. Comparing her to other mums is awful.

She's a single mum working full time who has a close, loving relationship with her son and for that alone she should be praised.

You cannot possibly compare being a mum yourself and working part time hours with your daughter who's working full time. How long is her commute to work because working 9 to 5 where I live means nose to tail traffic going to work and the same coming home?

Yes, give her house a clean if you wish to but I wouldn't do more than wipe surfaces and a bit of hoovering because any deep cleaning will be almost certainly be perceived as a criticism of her.

I'm sorry but you sound controlling and imo your priorities are askew. What's most important is that your grandson is happy, healthy, balanced and doing well at school. I suspect your daughter is doing the best she can in difficult circumstances. Perhaps she's just extremely tired?

Agree with most others, we don't know how busy she is etc and all of us have different levels of cleanliness and higene etc. I would be slightly concerned if the DS was dirty and smelt and clothes didnt fit especially if she's always immaculate but for those of with boys you cannot FORCE them to change their pants and socks every day - so if he's happy and well fed then offer to help but don't make a big thing out of it - unless the towels would climb across the room on their own to the machine etc!

ETA - when she's not looking/or out then check the cupboards to make sure there's plenty of food - or in the bathroom for shower gel etc - if not then maybe a fortnightly Asda/Tesco/* - other shops are available - shop may help

This is the way, OP. Ask before you clean and ask in a non-judgemental way.

Why not contact her child's father and tell him to get his arse in gear and clean the house and care for his child?

I'm not really suggesting you do this, but remember that your DD is doing his job as well as her own before you criticise her. Most of us would let our standards drop if we were doing the work, and carrying the responsibilities of, two people.

Focus on your grandson and making sure he's happy and healthy. I'd raise anything that gives you welfare concerns but otherwise ignore.

With respect @Frustratedwithadultdd , until you have walked a mile in your daughter’s shoes you have no idea of the struggles she is coping with as a lone parent working full time.
You have no right to just go into your daughter’s house and clean without her consent. Maybe ask her if she would like you to give her home a deep clean whilst she is away. If she agrees, do it with love and not use it as a stick to beat her with if she is unable to maintain it to your standard. You do not get to decide how clean her house should be. As long as she is doing her best, that is all you can ask. Being harsh and judgmental will only drive her away.

I'd properly hate my mum if she judged my parenting. So what if his hair needs a cut. You've had your children - this is her child!

The best way to improve people is to compliment them not criticise. Tell your daughter all the ways you think she's fab. She might have more energy to do more.

Op i was a single mum of four who worked full time! My dm looked after my dc and she would often thoroughly clean my house or take the dc for hair cuts etc! I was absolutely grateful she helped me in these ways! My standards were not great because i was exhausted and stressed constantly! Just help your dd out but do it without criticising her home or parenting skills.

My mum doesn't get invited to my house anymore because every time she does, I feel judged. I'll go to hers but I don't want her in mine. love my mum but it leaves me feeling really low. My kids are well-mannered, bright, loved and have everything they need. But sometimes my son's trousers are too short because he's grown, and my kitchen floor needs a sweep. I'm doing my best. I have a lot to think about. You sound just like her. Think about that before you push her away.

you’re being awful, she can’t do everything! Offer her some help?

How dirty are we talking? Health hazard, hoarder type grubby, or just a bit overdue for a hoover, limescale in the shower type grubby. You can offer some cleaning, but I don't ever think you should do it without asking. If it's so bad you think it must be cleaned urgently, then a conversation is essential. Has her house always been like this, or it's a recent change?
As for the 9yo, they grow like weeds and have their own opinions on hair and clothes. I wouldn't assume she's neglecting him. Mine would gladly look homeless if I let him. We compromise with an occasional haircut and hoodies only 3 sizes too big.

I'd also say leave her DSs hair alone. Its trendy for boys to have longer, slightly messy hair now, its probably his choice that its like that. My son is same age and he'd go batshit if i cut it short.

Op - instead of picking out things you judge as so bad you must address them, say to your DD:

"Now you're so busy, i know you are short on time, please can I help you round the house when i come this weekend? There must some bits and bobs I can do around the house to save you a job. You deserve break. I'm happy to run errands too. Leave me a list."

She'll probably say "oh mum if you could run these loads of washing that would be AMAZING".

That way you aren't saying "Well i'll have to clean this place is a tip" and making her feel bad. Instead, you are just acknowledging how busy/stretched she is, and offering judgement free help, and leaving her control over what she most needs help with.

It’s hard to judge if you’re being overly judgmental or if she is being neglectful without knowing the details. You might have really high standards and she is more relaxed.

I work full time with kids and a husband and honestly its so hard finding time to do things. Basically have zero time from monday 7am to 8pm friday - its just an unending run of getting DC up and out to school, work, collecting kids, cooking dinner, desperately trying to cram in spellings/tables/homework/music practice, getting DC to bed, maybe a bit more work in the evening. Rinse & repeat.