Frustrated with adult dd

What you're saying about your concerns is fair.
The judgement is awful and not helpful.
There are so many reasons why the house could have got to this state. Time, overwhelmed, low mood, in my case adhd only now being diagnosed at 40.
Support, but stop the judgement.

Hi @Frustratedwithadultdd

When you are a loan parent @Frustratedwithadultdd you do everything.
This means in those moments when a DP may take the bin out, or do the car MOT or pay some bills whilst the other is cooking a meal … you have to cook, clear up, help with homework and then when the DC are in bed you have to do the bills, admin, clean around AND then be ok for your job the next day. It’s EXHAUSTING. There is no easy way to save time - other than not to do certain things.
It sounds to me like your DD is working therefore she’s not relying on you for income and then she’s present with her child in the evenings because she’s working all day.

I am sure she could do with some cleaning help as this is the least important area of her priorities - quite rightly! Money to live and her son are first.

Please don’t judge her - look to see if there’s a way you can help her. Try standing in her shoes and imagine what’s she’s juggling and try and feel proud of her.

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror.

its clear you love your daughter very much but you are also very judgey.

your daughter likely really appreciates your support with childcare.

but if she is not coping she would not tell you for fear of your reaction as you are clearly a judgy person.

being negative and judgey towards someone makes them feel bad about themselves - it contributes to low mood and poor self-confidence. did your daughter have any mental health or an eating disorder problem as a teen?

if you really move her - find it within yourself to lift her up emotionally - praise her for how well she is raising her son and ask how you can help more.

I think you're being very harsh towards your daughter, maybe she is feeling a bit overwhelmed with keeping the house clean as well as full time job and sole responsibility for a child.

I think you should have offered to give the house a clean while she is away but done in a nice way not a judgemental way.

I don't feel any love here OP, just judgment. Or you would just ask your DD if you're allowed to clean a bit while at hers. Also buying gc clothes is standard, that's what nice gp do, nothing that makes you a parent.

YABU - unless you were a single parent that worked full time. I am a single parent to a 9 year old and I don't stop between making sure homework gets done, running to clubs, cooking meals and hes not got siblings so asks me to do stuff like play board games or read to him etc. By time it gets to bed time I'm exhausted not thinking what area of the house should I start tackling.

@Frustratedwithadultdd

Wow, so judgey

Our daughter keeps a spotless house, has three kids and works 3 nights a week - she is married now

She has OCD and is clinically depressed . The OCD means she cant rest if things are out of place, she's medicated to the eyeballs for the depression

Id rather the house be a bit grubby then have her be like that

As for clothes, every time the grandkids come to stay they get new shoes or coats or an outfit or something they need/want - its called treating the kids , its what grandparents do.

"My house is a shit hole" said with no level of shame whatsoever is hideous too though, to be fair.

bring clean teatowels when you go round

I used to buy clothes for my DCousin’s youngest. She was really struggling, he was the youngest boy following a couple of girls so didn’t really have any handmedowns. I knew money was tight and I was close to her DC so it was nice to buy him an outfit and see him wearing it. I also used to babysit and help with tidying up. Never once thought that my DCousin should be coping better or blamed her for not.

By all means wash up for her, wash the tea towel and buy him some new clothes. You could even do his laundry but cut out the judgemental crap. That isn’t helping anyone.

If your grandchild wants to it would be acceptable to take them out and buy them new clothes. However anything else is overstepping.

Maybe instead of judging and findng fault. Try and be nice and supportive.

Your standards maybe not be her standards.

Your post does not include any positive or kind words about your daugther.

Depends how bad it is really. Also if it’s a new thing or is it getting worse. I would absolutely something to my dd. But only because it would be unlike her.

There we are, only worked part time and I bet not whole kids were small. How grubby is grubby? Our house can get out of control in a week with 2 parents and 2 kids, all it takes is 1 kid to be ill the other to have a run of nightmares the dryer to break or one of us have a lot of overtime, a birthday party to go to not quite locally both days at the weekend .. bam dishwasher gets loaded but that's it for the kitchen, miss a couple days laundry, skip doing the floors and bam, house is minging. Then you've got to all the usual everyday chores PLUS catch up while extra exhausted and it just takes a while to get back on it and that's with 2 of us.

Not read the full thread, assumptions I've made about op, was always a shame, never had a job outside the home, has always been controlling and overbearing.

To answer your question, yes, you’re being interfering, overbearing and a control freak. I would be absolutely apoplectic if my mother let herself in and ‘cleaned up’. Likewise taking it upon yourself to clothe her child without asking. You’re judging her by your standards and she’s a grown woman who doesn’t have to be like you (and clearly doesn’t want to be either- ask yourself why…).

I moved in with my BF and his DM ( years ago), thier house was not very clean and the kitchen was filthy. She went away for a month and I cleaned the place, when she came back she was furious with me and our relationship was never good after that.
I can see this is coming from love for your GS but I would ask your DD first before interfering.

Yeah not buying the feigned concern in this update. Your critical and judgemental just own it.

Nothing op has mentioned sounds like neglect.

you are projecting.

You sound like my Aunt. Judgemental as hell and determined to find fault with your adult child and micromanaging things so she lives life in a way that is acceptable to you.
She is not you.

Ask her if she wants any help, but don’t point out the things you have decided are faults and don’t override her decisions.

Well, OP, I have one child and a husband.

My house is a shit hole. I'm lazy.

My mum makes disparaging remarks about it all the time. If she wants to come and clean it, great.

My son goes for too long between haircuts. So what?

His clothes fit, but they've probably got a fair few stains on them that won't come out in the wash.

But again, so what? He's happy. He's loved. His basic needs are met. A ton of his bloody wants are also met.

Who cares if our house is a bit grubby and he goes too long between haircuts?

Tbh, I think you sound awful. Much like my mother who believes we should all present a perfect image to the world and if we don't we've somehow failed. I really feel for your daughter and grandson.

Some of your comments are hideous.

OP you are welcome any time to clean my house .. it’s in New Zealand so it’s a bit distance though.. I am sure there are loads of people on mumsnet closer to you who could do with a bit help too…

Step down from your high horse!!
Judgemental and nasty.

Omg leave the poor woman alone.

Who needs enemies when you could have a mum that slags you off on MN