Frustrated with adult dd

I think you’re being incredibly harsh. Have you ever experienced being a single parent with a full time job? Her mental load alone must be exhausting. Sometimes something has to give. I’m also confused as to why you feel like his mother because you pick up clothing items for him? I’m actually quite shocked by your post, you’re just openly judging her.

Other single parent homes are not necessarily immaculate! Your DD is probably exhausted. She’s working full time so credit to her. Is 9 really an easy age? I beg to differ. 9 was one of the most difficult ages I experienced with my DS. Whether she has or hasn’t got support, working full time and single parenting is mentally exhausting. I know, I do it! I get called out of work, have school runs to do every day, household maintainance, shopping, cooking, extra curricular activities - all the same as a nuclear family but with just one of me! I’d offer to clean yes, but please show a bit more empathy to her - she’s trying really hard. Maybe she has to make sure her hair and make up is perfect for work? Women in the workplace still face so much opposition and criticism in some sectors and when your workplace know you’re a single parent you have so much more to prove, the discrimination is still alive and real.

Then ask her how she is.

I'm a grandmother. I buy clothes for the grandkids because I enjoy it, so go enjoy a shopping trip. I wouldn't touch his hair mind. The other granny did that her daughter didn't speak to her for a month.

We both work full time with a lovely child and it's a struggle!
Don't come to our house and judge us please!

You sound like my mother, I was depressed at complete breaking point and having intense suicidal ideations l. Her was of helping was to judge me, telling anyone who’d listen that I wasn’t brought up with a mess like mine. We’ve never been close and it has made it much worse even now I’ve dragged myself out the hole to the most part, she worked in a caring profession but show me no care only judgement.

maybe ask your daughter if she’d like a hand to tidy up? Ask her what you can do? My mums answer was always to take dc saying “this will give you a chance to get sorted” when all I did when alone was cry and the loneliness of my life was nearly killing me.

So long story short SHOW SOME COMPASSION!!

I’d be grateful that my grandchild was loved and had a good relationship with their Mum. I’ve know people with spotless houses and no time for the kids.
Did your DD manage the housework before she had a child?

You’ve answered your own question there tbh - she’s a single parent who works full time. I’m guessing the weekdays are just a blur of work, school and homework. Then on the weekend she wants to actually enjoy some quality time with her son rather than ticking more things off the to do list. Life is a juggle and we all have to prioritise. The thing is if you prioritise cleaning the house and neglect quality time with your kids it still looks like you’ve got your shit together because the only person that notices is your kid because they’re not getting that time spent on them. If you do it the other way round, it looks like you’re struggling because your house is messy yet your kids could be as happy as Larry.

God OP I was a single working mum but I also had a really amazing cleaner and a really good income. Life was so incredibly full on even with a lot of help. So you’d really prefer she spend the small amount of time she has with her DD after work cleaning?

You presumably know your DD well enough to know if you cleaning is going to go down well or badly. My sister would go insane if I did this. My best friend who has a disabled child is happy for us to clean up.

The clothes bit is fine but I’d ask her before doing any housework or she might well feel judged and humiliated. Just say "I know you don’t have much spare time. I’d be very happy to do some housework for you while you’re away - is that OK with you?" And if she says no (as I think my daughters would), don’t do it.

SIL visited yesterday and we were discussing our Mothers standards for a house. My Mothers were the highest possible.

She was the sort that ironed tea towels and knickers.

Was the tea towel visibly dirty or are you just a bit too fussy like my Mother was.?

Are your grandsons clothes too small for him and stained badly or is it just that he is getting messed up like my DS was at that age as he was at the park a lot playing football all the time.

you mean well and she’s lucky to have someone who cares around. Perhaps:

• take your grandson monthly on a barbershop and coffee date
• she may have just become accustomed to the home, like the idea of offering to do a deep clean as a one off for her, more as a treat
• Offer a clothing budget for your grandson if you can afford it, and perhaps take him out for those too every season
• see where she’d love support- maybe freezer meals or just company on a cleaning morning every 2 weeks.

my mum is so loving and as much overbearing but know it comes from love, so as long as you don’t sound judgy but just stress you see it as your role to support that’s great.

To be honest, you sound awful! She’s a single mum working full time! Presumably, you had a husband/partner when your daughter was growing up and you worked part time!
Instead of moaning about her behind her back, why don’t you offer to help her more?!

Seriously? I think SS don’t care about tea towels and haircuts. This is an enormous leap….

Your first mistake is assuming a 9 year old isn't messy or require any looking after.

There's an art to shopping on Vinted to actually make it cost effective, and kids that age have more say and wants than a 2/3 year old. Vinted takes me hours to get decent bundles together or good bargains. Otherwise I may as well wait and go to Primark.

By all means help because you want to, are able to etc. but not if your going to use it against her or to resent her.

Tbh, I’d just go in and clean and tidy her house as a surprise, leave her a hamper of beauty/self care products as a welcome home gift and a message to say how proud you are of her for raising your perfect GC as a single, working parent. I.e. A gift without agenda or judgement.

And park everything else. Am sure she judges herself every day and doesn’t need it from any other sources. If she is depressed she is more likely to come to you and talk about it if she feels unconditionally accepted.

And, just to say, any age can be a difficult stage of childhood. Yes, even 9yo can be a/have challenges.

@Frustratedwithadultdd as a grandmother myself I can say that you and I have VERY different ideas on what supporting your adult child means. You buy your GC clothes ? Yup, me too.
You expect her house to be spotless ? Then offer to help. A genuine, no strings offer with no shaming involved.
As grandparents DH see ourselves as a backup team to make life easier. Not to criticise .

I think you're being very judgemental and are in no place to do so since you have had a partner and only worked part time. When I was a single parent and very depressed, my house got into a bit of a mess.

Luckily my mum and dad (divorced) both helped me from a non judgemental place. Yes some tough love was needed but i never felt judged. They recognised how difficult things were for me. They helped me get on top of the house and spoke to me about the fact I was very depressed. I was. I still went to work and did well and my kids were always well cared for. But I didn't have the energy to do everything alone.

Thank God I have supportive parents and not ones who will judge me. I dread to think where I would be now if I didn't have them to love, support and help me.

Omg you sound horrible.

Does it matter if she’s lazy or depressed- either way she needs a helping hand because there’s a dc in the home.

Instead of shaming her for not buying new clothes, see it as a gift that you get to buy dgc a few bits a pieces. We’re talking pants, not a winter coat, so it’s not expensive for you.

With the house, please ask if she needs any help. Can you take in washing/ironing etc on a regular basis basis?. You could tie this in with checking if DGC has all the clothing items/sizing the need and can help fill in the gaps.

Do these things with kindness, not judgement and you might be better placed to find out why everything has been getting on top of her and help her get out of it.

It does sound a little bit neglectful OP, especially the clothes/hair thing...How much support does she honestly get? Is she struggling with her DC Does he have any additional needs?

For context, I am in a not dissimilar situation. My house is very very messy however reasonably clean underneath. Tea towels etc are always clean and fresh.

Wow you sound unpleasant. Do you have any idea what it’s like to work full time and be a single parent? In fact, have you ever even worked full time? If not, you have no right to comment.

Im a single mum and work full time. I’m definitely not lazy. I’m always shattered, stressed and constantly worried about money.

You’ve said yourself she doesn’t have much money! You need to step up here. Buy your grandchild new clothes even if they’re off Vinted. Take him for a hair cut with DD’s permission. Ask her if she’d be ok with you doing a deep clean of her house.

I always think your generation are out of touch with how much things cost these days!

Less judgement, more practical support!

And what if ss gets involved? What would they say, being a single mother is no excuse of you can't parent effectively then you have problems

And no good mother let's theit child live like this

I would be ecstatic if someone cleaned my house for me but when my children were young and I was working ft I would have been mortified. I would have seem it as judgemental and felt embarrassed. Ask first. Someone's said it already "is there anything you would like me to do whilst you're away"

I can see why people think you are unreasonable.

Yanbu in that he doesnt have clothes that fit and the place is dirty!
But your attitude / judgment is the unreasonable bit.
If you do need to have the conversation in a very different way if you want any positive results from it