Frustrated with adult dd

Mind your own business, in my view.

OP I'm a single parent working 4 days a week. Kids are a little bit older but have you considered your DD's schedule? She works 9-5. That means she needs to leave the house earlier to get your GS to school/breakfast club. When I finish work at 5 it takes me double the time to drive home than it would at, say, 12pm, because of the rush hour traffic.

Once she's home, I guess by 6, she has to feed your GS, maybe pop a wash on, run him a bath, make packed lunch, wash up from dinner, maybe get him to do some homework. These are all those basic daily things that she will have to do and that's not taken into consideration how she might want to sit down and relax for half an hour.

At weekends, maybe she gets up a little later, takes your GS to activities/parties/to see friends. Plus the dailies/basics like washing, cooking, food shop.

It's exhausting and it sounds like she's doing a great job. Approach this with compassion, not judgement.

When my children were smaller i don’t think i ever spent money on their clothes, their Grandmothers especially were always picking them up bits in the sales, or something they had seen and just couldn’t resist. They went too far really because I had loads of it, some of was never worn but I never complained just quietly passed it on to someone else so I don’t understand why you feel like his Mum by buying him things.
My own mother has quite a strong personality but does try and not overstep but if she saw one of them needed a haircut she would say it to me and ask if I wanted her to take them if I was short on time.
Now they are older their relatives don’t get to buy them stuff because they have very particular tastes and they don’t want to get it wrong and I know they miss it.
If my Mum thought my house needed a good scrub she would say so probably not that tactfully and I would feel bad.
My MIL would crack on and do little bits whilst she was here, snuggle in new tea clothes and just say that since retiring she feels bored and likes to help out.
Don’t give help if you’re going to begrudge doing it, I’m not a single parent but the daily grind does get you down and if I had a choice of doing something fun with my child or housework, I wouldn’t be doing the housework….
I think you need to count your blessings, that you obviously have a close relationship with your daughter and grandson, at his age you don’t have many years left of him wanting to hang out with you. As he gets a little older you could give him an allowance so he can get his own clothes, haircuts etc My oldest is now only a couple of years older and takes himself to the barbers when he wants his haircut and picks his own clothes.
My friends parents put £40 a month on her sons Go Henry Card, my friend is a single parent and works hard. She wouldn’t take money from her parents to help out so they have navigated it by giving it straight to him, which really helps with the things he wants to do but doesn’t step on any toes.

I know right!

Any difference is no longer respected as difference. There must be something wrong with you because you don’t conform to (very rigid) social expectations.

What used to be seen as countercultural, environmental and progressive (previously known as hippies) is now considered by some as an affliction.

No disrespect to those who struggle with ND and are helped by a diagnosis, treatment and specialist support.

You would have had the door closed on your arse in my house!

She has lower standards because her priorities are her work and her child.

Kids grow - just ask if you can take him shopping - there nothing wrong with scruffy kids, they are usually the ones mucking in and having a great time. The pristine kids are always fearful of damaging their clothes.

child is loved and fed -

If it comes from a place of support like offering help, asking if she wants you to help with your grandchild more so she has more time to herself then it’s very different to judging that her house is messy. I have a 2 year old and a very great husband and he does more than his fair share as well as working 6 days most weeks and I do 4 days. I constantly feel behind on housework and some days I think I’d be mortified if someone came to visit u expected to see the mess it can be. It’s not easy to do it all and must be harder as a single parent.

You are being extremely unreasonable and your attitude is beyond belief - you are not your grandchild's mum, and buying him a couple of pairs of pants doesn't make you his mother. Buying their grandkids clothes/toys/treating them to days out is what grandparents do.

Yes, you would also be extremely unreasonable to just waltz in and clean your daughter's house because it's not at the standard you deem to be correct. You have and, from the sounds of it, have always had, more spare time on your hands than your daughter. She is a full time mother, works full time and "get's by" on a low salary. She's probably exhausted 100% of the time. Instead of judging and making a rude comment to her, why don't you offer to help kindly. Say something like, 'you're doing a great job, but I know it must be hard being a single mum and I'd like to help. I could come give the house a once over while you're away, or take grandchild shopping to give you a break. What would be most helpful?'

There is no such thing as a 'not difficult' age with a child nowadays. The only thing that changes is the challenges. So much more is expected from parents now than my mother's generation. We are expected to be significantly more demonstrably supportive, present and involved in our children's lives; all while working and maintaining a Stepford-wife home. We can't just leave them to get on with it, as was very common in the 70s and 80s. 9 is also a tricky age because although they're old enough to not need watching every second, like a toddler, they're not (in the UK at least) old enough to take themselves to/from school, stay at home and keep themselves amused and out of trouble.

Did you work full time and raise a child all by yourself whilst also doing all of the housework and life admin OP?

Going into someone's house and cleaning without their permission is invasive and rude, even with the best of intentions.

What a horrible way to speak about the people that you’re supposed to love the most. I’d love to hear your daughter’s side of this.

As a parent with 2 kids (but also 2 parents) both working full time we struggled to be able to keep on top of the meals, shopping, homework and other primary schooling demands (which are frequently very time consuming) life admin and to spend time with the children. As a result the house was often not very clean and replacing clothing sometimes got delayed especially during growth spurts. I took the view that children remember when you don’t have time for them and when they aren’t fed properly but won’t remember the t-towels being spotless. We had no family local to help, but what really would have helped us was an offer of regular help- like a 3 or 4 hour stint of a grandparent spending quality time with the kids fortnightly so we could have a good clean through the house and get on top of admin. Maybe offer something like that?

That's very harsh, without walking a mile in her shoes. Or being in her head. I only have one and only work 4 days a week. The only way our home is not grubby is because I am lucky enough to have someone come and clean the house for me once a week. And because I have just the one, I prioritise spending time with him, and being there for him...over a sink full of washing. I am on the verge of separation, and instead of judging me my mums offered to come and do a load of laundry for me during the week whilst I work, and cook a few meals. But she was a single parent too, and will understand more about what I will need in terms of support.

I imagine this is a sign she isn’t coping you sound critical. She may welcome your help but I think a conversation is needed first.

My mother tended to be judgemental. She was very particular about how she kept her house - but she also always had a cleaner from when we were small (my dad prioritised it to keep her happy even when he didn't earn a huge amount - or as I see it now, prevent her from getting too stressed).

She also worked part time when she eventually went back to work - sessional work of a few hours at a time. She wasn't overbearing but she found it hard not to make judgemental statements about our homes / parenting.

OP you aren't wrong to want to help but you should be asking her how you can, rather than making the decisions yourself. I don't know if you live close by, but could you offer regular cleaning, or to take your gs for a haircut or out shopping? Practical help she gladly accepts, which supports rather than tries to manage everything you think is wrong. (Do you know if he likes having his hair cut, for example - maybe he battles her over it. Or maybe she feels that a 9 year old isn't bothered by his appearance and doesn't mind what his hair looks like, in the same way a grown woman does?)

I think you underestimating how hard being a single parent and working full time is, she might be struggling and love some help and support.
You need to come at this from a supportive and loving place and not a judgemental angle.
Ask her if she would like you to take him for a haircut, then take him shopping for new essentials. Ask her if she woukd like anything doing while shes away? If you want to clean the house then do it, explain you wanted to help as spending her weekends cleaning is rubbish and you have more time.

Aibu to just go in and give the place a good scrub.

Yes, you are, without asking her. We all have different standards and what’s ‘grubby’ for some people is completely normal for someone else. There’s nothing worse than someone coming in and cleaning and tidying your house without asking. It’s really disrespectful.

Working full time as a lone parent is very hard work. There’s never enough hours in the day and it’s important to prioritise time with your child over housework. There’s no one to get you a drink when you finally sit down when the kids are in bed. Or encourage you to keep going and get stuck into jobs together.

We all parent differently. My DSs had longish hair when they were young. As long as it’s not in his eyes and annoying him, and he’s happy with it, it doesn’t matter. Kids that age are forever growing out of clothes and getting holes in them etc.

As long as she’s a good mum to him, spends time with him, shows him lots of love, feeds him well and he gets enough sleep, appearances don’t matter unless it upsets him in some way, e.g. his shoes are too tight.

It’s not your job to buy his clothes. So, if you want to treat him to some new things, better to ask her if that’s OK and what she’d prefer. My mum used to buy my kids clothes that weren’t at all to my taste (or theirs) and I felt terrible as I never dressed them in them.

If you’re worried she has depression or is struggling to cope financially, then love and support rather than judgement is the right response. Ask if she’s OK or if there’s anything you can do to help. Say you’d like to support her as you love her and know what it’s like, as you’re a mum yourself. Offer to treat your GC to some new clothes, but via a shopping trip together or looking for things together online. So, she/he can choose and you pay.

Ask if she’d like you to do any cleaning or housework while she’s away. But if she says no, then respect that.

When my kids were younger and I only worked part time my Mum used to chuck a wash on when she came round and do the ironing, there was no big deal, she liked to feel like she was helping. And I appreciated it. I didn't feel judged by her thank goodness.

Do you do anything to help whilst there?

Now we are all older than doesn't happen and actually when I go to hers I have a discreet clean of areas her older eyes don't see.

I have a DM like you, I’m no contact with her now. I feel terribly sorry for your DD.

She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close.

Op there was a thread here recently from a grandmother who was complaining about her daughter neglecting her child by not spending any time with the child. The op was caring for the child all the time and the child was desperately missing their mum, I think that's someone who can say they are being more of a mum then a grandmother. Your quote above clearly says shes a good mum so what is your actual issue ? Is she a good mum or not because no one is perfect. If the house needs a clean just tell her... not sure what the big issue is to gather ideas on this and if the child needs more clothes maybe she can't afford it. You say she can get some from vinted but then you say she can afford new clothes but you also say she doesn't have alot of money. Seriously I don't think you even know what the situation is.

To be fair OP you haven't walked in your daughter's shoes.

Offer your help from a place of wanting to support her and if she says no then that's her perogative as an adult

I'm a single mum, and I would struggle in your daughters shoes keeping up with everything. I do struggle keeping up with everything.

But I would absolutely draw a line at someone invading my space and cleaning up.

I'd have no qualms if grandparents wanted to treat my son to a haircut if that's what he wanted or treating him to some nice new clothes or picking little bits and bobs up like new tea towels or an extra bottle of bleach or some surface wipes or kitchen rolls while they were out doing their own shop, as long as it wasn't handed to me with a "your house is so filthy so I got you these".

I also have family that don't realise when their child has grown out of clothes and wish they'd put their child in bigger clothes but I just treat the children when I see them. They're not neglected, it is just hard to live right now due to the cost of living.

I also think you're being really judge basing the fact she wears make up on not budgeting appropriately.

I don't wear makeup but I know that makeup can last a really long time and people wear it like it some sort of social armour when they're not feeling very secure in themselves.

I am fortunate that I do have people in my life who would buy my son clothes if I didn't have the immediate funds, and they'd buy him little treats purely because they love him and not because they assume I don't take pride in my child, but because they are proud of us both.

Maybe focus your love and energy into your grandchild and stop assuming that your daughter has it easy.

I cant imagine how hard it is to work full time as a single mum to a 9 year old. Please offer help and not judgement.

I actually suspect undiagnosed ADHD from what you've described

Why?

I've heard it all now. Untidy house, must be ADHD…really?

I don’t see anything wrong with buying new clothes for your grandchild, but as for the rest,
you need to ask, and ask very carefully. Others have posted good suggestions, ask if she minds if you do a little cleaning so you don’t get bored etc. Maybe offer to pay for a weekly cleaner and say you can see how busy she is and you’d like to pay for a cleaner to make her life a little easier.
I think the women of your generation found it a lot easier to keep the house clean because many of you either didn’t work outside of the home or worked part time. My mother and MIL look down their noses at me (not at my husband of course!) because our house isn’t showroom quality. But as others have chosen to do so, we choose to prioritise quality time with our child. We find it hard enough to carve out time to keep the house ship shape, and there are two adults in our household. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for your daughter. IMO it sounds like she’s doing an amazing job.
Growing up in my parents’ house was horrible because all my mother did was scream at us about the house not being perfect. I don’t recall any quality time with my mother. She continues to criticise us for our homes not being up to her standards. As a result, neither I or my siblings spend much time with her now. Tread carefully here, OP!

Only one horrible mum here and it ain't your daughter.