Frustrated with adult dd

It could be that she’s neglecting her child however you come across terribly as you’re saying it’s not hard to have a 9 year old child as a single mother.

Were you a single mother holding down a job and being the main parent for a child?

If the answer is no then you really need to become more empathetic, especially towards your own child. You sound completely out of touch.

I'd offer to do a couple of hours a week to help her, whether that be cleaning, cooking or whatever would make life easier.

The Op is being very unreasonable. Her daughter works full time and also has to manage things that may have fallen to a partner to do. She’s probably tired from work and if she is a certain age might be peri menopausal. Why don’t you ask her if she’d like more help and support from you. When I worked close to my mums house she would ring me twice a week and give me food she had made for us to eat. She knew how hard and tiring it was to run a house and do the majority of the cleaning, cooking etc and helped out when she could, without me asking her. She did it all without judging.

My family always give me house a good clean when they babysit.

Exactly, if anything it is quite a difficult age in it's own way. I feel like one of mine is like a mini teenager, not sure what is happening to my cute little kid. It was easier at 6!!

Does he even want a haircut? My 9 year old doesn't ever want one and unless it is in his eyes I don't make him have one. He's a person in his own right.

I dont live up to my mums standards either! Although she also doesn't help me or offer to.

She'll know what you think of her I'm sure! You could buy her and your grandson the odd thing out of niceness. Don't do it out of judginess please!

Some people just don’t see dirty messy etc, it’s all about benchmarking.

full time work is very tiring. Maybe she’s putting her energies on ‘being’ with her son rather than cleaning? If he’s well
sdjusted and happy then does it matter thst tbe house is grubby? Maybe your expectations on cleanliness are too high.

regardibg the clothes, as long as they have minimum needed, yiu don’t need new suit every week. Children do grow up quickly, and my DS was sometimes in too small clothes too. Same as me growing up. Didnt harm me.

I think this all depends on whether you’ve expressed other “opinions” on your daughter’s parenting previously. If you haven’t, then a house clean might be received in a positive way. If you’ve given her the old cat’s bum face in the past about her lifestyle and her parenting, she will see it as the judgement it so obviously is.

If you think of a spectrum between imperfect and neglect, where does it sit?

The other spectrum is perfect and imperfect. I do not reach my mother's standards of glittering perfection and cleanliness, yet my home is usually spotless, with perhaps the odd slightly dusty skirting board. My mother thinks we live in filth and was aghast that I used to let the children get dirty.

I would feel the same as you OP. I’m a single parent of 2 kids and I keep on top of things despite working long hours. Unless your daughter is unwell, there’s no excuse for not ensuring her child’s clothes fit, and keeping the house hygienic. I wouldn’t have a go at her though, because that will damage your relationship and probably affect how much care you can give your grandson, and it sounds like he needs you around.

Another thought.

I was a single parent with 3 DS’s. I find a messy, disorganised life quite stressful. Waking on a Saturday to a list of job was miserable.

So! Thursday evening was cleaning night. Me and DS’s, from them being about age 5, shared the jobs. In fact, we used to pick them out of a hat ( only those suitable included). 90 minutes, music on, job done.
It has created independent, organised young men! ( and meant a happier weekend with more time for fun).

Perhaps some discussion with your daughter and grandson about how he can help.

I have been a single parent since DD was 4. My house can be untidy at times because I prioritise work and DDD. Housework is last on the list because nobody ever died from a bit of dust.

When DD was little, my Mum would come round and hoover the carpet while I did her vat return. She would take home loads of washing to help if DD was sick and we had gone through several sets of bedding.

She realised that as a single parent, working full time and with pretty much full care of DD, that I would be grateful for anything she could do to help.

I would have been thrilled to come back to a clean house. As long as you don't interfere or move things around, then go for it. Go in and hoover the carpets and clean the kitchen and bathroom.

Don't make any judgements, don't mention dirt or mess, just say that you wanted to surprise her and give her one less job to do.

You’re comparing apples and oranges and expecting them to taste the same.

When your daughter was 9, I imagine that her father probably worked a full time job - she is doing the same.

Now think about how much her father did at home outside of that full time job. Imagine that she did as much parenting and housework as her father did at that stage. Would things be better or worse in her house than they are now?

That’s comparing apples and apples….

Being a single parent and working full time is hard work. You have all the financial load, all the mental load and nobody to help you manage it all. My house isn’t as tidy as it should be as after a full week at work you need to do some restful things as well. Cleaning is just another part of the mental load.

I was always grateful for help from my mum but she’s passed away now so I literally am stuck doing it all with no support. Offer help, not criticism and be grateful you weren’t raising her all alone when she was little.

I've been a single mum to two children.

I decided not to iron anything that didn't really need ironing - my mother ironed everything and I actually like the ironing - but I didn't have time if I wanted to spend time with my dc.

I liked travelling so I would by budget items in the supermarket shop and I would make every meal and save. This meant come the summer holiday I had a job where I could get 4 weeks off - so id go to Europe with the dc

These are choices I made and nobody quibbled about them.

yes I kept my house tidy and cleanish, but these were my choices - not friends or parent, one died so only had one parent.

In the kindest way you have to stand back and allow your dd to make her own life choices - is her sons hair a problem? is she making sure his clothes get every last bit out of them before buying new or second hand? Whatever the reason, they are her choices.

If her son is clothed, feed and warm at night with a loving mum - stop

think to yourself, is she harming her child? is she taking drugs? is she drink driving to school every day? if the answers are no - stop interfering.

If you want to clean her house - then ask before you do so - say would it be helpful if I gave your house a fairy clean for your arrival back on Sunday night? As I know you're busy and it might be a helpful gesture.

Get yourself a volunteering job or a hobby 🤗 and stop worrying about dirty tea towels, it will be fine

as an aside my adult dd has less than tidy house and I don't like it but I don't have to live like it - I do understand

@user1488481370

i find your statement about adhd worrying actually. It’s basically saying that women must be like superhero’s, martyrs who can be a single parent and work full time and keep an immaculate home, and if they can’t do all this then there must be something ‘wrong’ with them, some kind of disorder or condition which needs to be diagnosed and treated so they can fit into the martyr mould better and give more and more of themselves to others.

if the house was actually filthy then you might have a point.

but given with judgy pants hoisted to simon cowell levels the worst you are describing it as is 'grubby' with some used tea towels, YABU.

You couldn't manage to work full time AND keep a clean house AND bring up your DC even with a partner but you're judging your daughter for not being able to do all those things without a partner?

By all means buy your grandchild some new clothes if you want, but do it because you love him not because of whose 'job' it is.

I would clean my daughter's kitchen while I looked after the children but have never been into her bedroom. She once asked me to sort out my GD's clothes. I looked in the drawers and they were a total mess so I tipped them all out into the middle of the room. My GD's face was a picture!
She helped me to sort everything out and we put the outgrown clothes to one side.
Another time I was asked to empty the kitchen cupboards and sort them out. I put all the out of date stuff to one side but didn't throw anything away.
My daughter and I are quite outspoken but considerate of each other.

@Frustratedwithadultdd

You’re being so hypocritical OP, you were not a single mother and you didn’t work full time so your experience of parenting was completely to hers with hers being much harder.

and what’s her hair and make up got to do with it?? 9 year olds don’t need their makeup or hair doing (beyond hair cuts)? Should she mopping the floors rather than putting on makeup in your view?

So she works 9-5. Add 30-60 minutes each end to travel to work. Add another 30-60 in the morning to get ready to travel and get her 9 year old up, dressed, fed and out the door and to school. Add school/childminder pick up at the end as well.

So she's now 'working' from a 6:30/700am start until 6:00/630pm finish. And that's assuming he doesn't have a club of some sort (scouts, football training, etc) she needs to get him to in the evenings, pushing her evening into later.

Presumably she also has to sort dinner and spend some time with her young son in the evenings. He'll need mum time, homework support possibly, dinner, bedtime routine, etc. By the time that's all done, she'll be looking at the messy kitchen, rooms, laundry and having to prioritise on top of her exhaustion. And then looking to do it all over again the next morning. Because it's all on her. She doesn't have anyone to share the load with. Despite your proclaimed 'she has lots of help from family'.

So fuck off with your judgment.

I think you are being completely unrealistic. I very much doubt she's lazy. She works full time and is a single parent!! Sounds like she's doing very well to me. Much better to spend time with her son, who by the sound of it, is well loved, than wasting a life constantly cleaning. Dusting and shoe shining just isn't really that important. I dust vv rarely and my house is not sparkling clean and if you mentioned it to me, honestly, I would not take it gladly. Why do people have such high expectations of women? I suspect if she was a single father you would not be so judgey.

It's not laziness - it's exhaustion and stress - just try to help her out where you can. My mum will often take some washing home with her, or run the hoover round if she is looking after the kids while we are ar work- just help her, she doesn't need the extra stress.

Sounds like she's got her priorities right - a messy home and a happy child. My house is always messy, but on the plus side people often comment on our kids - they are happy and polite (normally!!)

When I worked full time and had a husband and child I had a cleaner and someone to do the ironing and my Mum was always coming round to help me with one thing or another, which I really appreciated.
Help her and stop criticising, she's a lot in her plate and it may be that her priorities just don't match yours.