Frustrated with adult dd

My mother bought clothes for my DS all the time, she sent him an outfit when he was at uni. Grandmothers do this, it's normal.
It's normal to lend a hand not to be judgemental and denigrate you daughter as a single mum.

I'm a single parent with 1 DC age 8. I also work full time, and I think you sound pretty harsh tbh. It is tough doing it all on your own, and even if family 'help out' it's not the same as having all the responsibility on your shoulders all the time (im assuming her job is also exhausting/pressured). I think in that situation I would appreciate my parents asking if there is anything they could do to support, as oppose to just taking it upon themselves to come in and clean. Or you could offer to pay for a cleaner- this would be a lovely gift

Maybe your daughter prefers to spend quality time with her child when she finishes work instead of worrying about what other people think of her messy house.As long as her dc is loved,happy and cared for who are you to judge her standards .

Absolutely do not do this unless you ok it with DD first. It could well come across as overbearing and interfering. Please don't . No one likes to be judged.

Exactly! nowhere does she say it’s filthy and that she is a neglectful parent. She describes her as a good mother so people comparing her to those whose children are being neglected by smelling filthy etc probably are wide of the mark because if the child was being neglected she would hardly describe her daughter as a good mother.
My house is a little grubby and tired around the edges, but not enough to attract vermin and my children don’t smell of anything except laundry powder.
Having slightly grotty tea towels and someone’s version of grubby does not make a filthy house, when people’s opinion of grubby would differ widely

Do not clean someone else's house without their permission! It's interfering and a very good reason for her to never speak to you again. It's her house - she can have it however she likes, OP, and you need to take a massive step back.

To be fair, the OP only described it as grubby which doesn’t tell us if it was particularly filthy or not.

Absolutely no need for a filthy house if she has as much support as you say she does. Untidy is fine. Dirty and filth isn't. It's dangerous, can give off germs and attract vermin. Rather than you go in and do it, I would offer to take your dgc somewhere for the afternoon whilst she gives the house a clean.

Someone else on this thread described the situation very well. OP, you didn’t work full
time but your husband did. I bet that is all he did, I doubt he did anything around the house. Imagine he had to get up early to get a child ready, get himself ready, drop the child off before he went to work, and did the reverse at the end of the day. Imagine he then had to do shopping, cooking, cleaning, spending time with his child etc. Do you imagine he’d have been able to do all of that? I doubt it.

I agree with this.
One of my parents did this to me when I was recovering from an operation.

I had had a bit of a bad year with my mental health and my house had become cluttered and untidy. I’d started hoarding things a bit and was finding it difficult to let go of things.

They used the time when I was at my most vulnerable to sneak in to my house and start bagging things up, throwing things away, putting things where I didn’t want them to go, etc..
There was no conversation about it beforehand. They didn’t ask my permission. And to make matters worse, the attitude that came with their “help” made the help completely pointless. All it did was stress me out when I really didn’t need it. I was told immediately after coming home that I need to get sorting through all the bags they had put together for me. Not only did I not have the headspace to go through them, I was in horrific pain! My parent said it would be unforgivable if I don’t do anything about it after all the work they had done (that I didn’t ask them to do).

I was resentful of their impatience and frustration towards me. My parent is not living my life as a single mum of 4 and had not just had a painful operation to have an aggressive tumour removed.

I remember while I was still recovering, my parent came to see me and snapped at me because my son had forgot to make his bed before going to school. It was such a batshit overreaction! My parent went up and did it very aggressively and angrily. I couldn’t deal with this level of control they were having over me. It was like a visit from the angry house inspector every time they came round and I couldn’t stand it. I really began to keep them arms length for quite a while. My other parent gave me the love and help I needed and I’m doing really well now.

@Macklemup

exactly. It’s not neglectful

Can you offer to pay for her to have a cleaner for a couple of hours a week op?
that would be supportive and kind and probably help lift her.
it’s hard working full time & being a single parent. If you love her then help her. Don’t judge her.

Are you a single Mum that works part time, with a mother that insults you. This doesn't come from no where, and there's usually a pattern of not living up to expectations.

It doesn't sound like the son isn't, it is just that he wears clothes until he fully grows out of them, and she isn't deep cleaning, rather than spending quality time with him. New clothes, a clean immaculate house, working full time and ignoring a child does not make you a good mother.

Most people have to look well groomed for work and as a single mum, she is not in a position to risk losing her job. Just saying!

I have been over many people's homes where the dishes are in the sink, visible dust, etc, and while I am surprised that they live this way and feel comfortable enough to have company, I do not judge them.

You are openly judging your daughter and assuming things about her. Comparing her to others (based on what you observe from the outside) is incredibly unfair and actively disloyal.

I speak as someone who no longer speaks to my own intolerant, overbearing, judgemental, and highly critical mother and has made a point to be much different with my own daughter (who is a slob, by the way) and very different than me in many ways: Do you want your daughter to live by your standards or do you want to have a fun, fulfilling, loving relationship with her? What is your cross to die on, and what is most important?

If her daughter can look well groomed why not her son.
She sounds lazy and neglectful.

Why does it have to be about struggling? I am a single working parent - have been for many years now. I work full time, I do additional ad-hoc and seasonal work when available. But I am just one person. No one to help put the bins out, feed the dog, take the clothes upstairs and pop them in draws...it's just me.

I am not struggling. Not at all. But as that one person, sometimes something has to 'give'. And for me that is the housework. I live with a layer of dust. I live with the hoover on once a week maximum. I frequently dry myself with a soggy towel. And in return, I come home, make dinner, shove it all the dishwasher and then chill. And then there's the mental load which is all mine as well. The idea that I should work full time, part time on the side, manage the mental side of it all and have a perfect house as well....come on, people need to chill out sometimes.

If she’s going well at work then good on her - and maintaining external appearance is part of that. But being a mum and juggling full time work and keeping on top of house work is not easy. Something has to give and it sounds like it’s cleaning. Please don’t lecture her - just love her and be supportive and help.

She’s probably exhausted by the time she finishes work and just needs a bit of a lift.

My mum worked really hard and was doing a degree too - full time at both of these - and when I saw the state of her fridge I was mortified. I just cleaned it and didn’t say anything, because I appreciated she was really busy. We do these things from a place of love.

If you're concerned then help her more. It doesn't sound like your role is more like a mother than a grandmother. Single mum working full time is very hard, stop judging start helping YABU.

Gosh agreed, she sounds like a great Mum op. I know somebody similar, and she lives with her parents, and only works part time so that she gets benefits, because she plays the system. She told me she won't work more than the minimum, because this tops her up. She ignores the child most of the time, told me she cannot be bothered with her.

Her parents do all of the house work, while she acts like a teenager. Her mother makes all the kids birthday cakes, Christmas Dinner, does all all the cooking. She is in her 40s, may run a vacuum around, but nothing else. Now those parents are more like the children's parents, not you.

Be proud of your daughter, support her by asking if she needs anything, baby sitting etc. Give her the opportunity to recharge her batteries, and a little time to herself.

Do NOT do this. You can ask her by all means but do not tell her she is lazy, depressed, useless etc. Not everyone prioritises housework or even cares tbh.

My mum tried to use housework and her very low opinion of my parenting to control me. We were no contact for several years because of this and other toxic behaviour.

Butt out and keep your thoughts to yourself. Try and have some compassion rather than judging.

Your daughter isn't lazy OP, she's probably exhausted, and overwhelmed at times. Even those with a partner who doesn't do housework/childcare, usually don't feel they have to do literally every adult job in life. However, you are willing to help, that's great. Just be careful to come across as helpful and not judgemental. Ask if she'd like any jobs done and be lead by her. Unlike others, I see no harm in the odd gift of clothes for your grandson. That's normal in my family - from aunties as well.

You sound like her mother in law rather than her mom. She’s a single mom holding onto a full time job. Cut her some slack!

Is your grandson happy and well? Does your daughter have a good relationship with him?

When it comes to parenting everyone has their own priorities. My mum prioritised a clean and tidy home, and how things looked to people outside of our family unit. It has taken years of therapy in my 40s to tackle the damage it did to me - same for my brother.