Formal School Complaint - AIBU

Yes, I am assuming it probably was - but imo this shouldn’t be an instruction in this situation as OP hasn’t said he was continuing to be disruptive/volatile, and I’m going off what she said.

Totally makes sense to offer leaving to calm down, but if the child in this situation doesn’t want to, I don’t understand why it essentially was a direct instruction he was not allowed to disobey.

Good luck OP. FWIW I think you’re doing the right thing. Some of the utter bullshit being spouted on this thread proves it.

The key questions that I would be asking in your shoes:

1. What do they think the cause of your son’s behaviour leading to the exclusion was?
2. Upon reflection, do they feel they handled the situation well? Would they do anything differently if it happened again?
3. Why did they feel asking him not to return to school was the right punishment?
4. Are other Year 11 students allowed in school during Study Leave. If yes, how have they satisfied themselves that the decision to ask your son not to return is not considered a breach of the Equalities Act given you believe his behaviour was caused by unmet SEN needs.

Hope your son is doing ok and not too upset.

Please check back and tell us the outcome of your complaint.

It’s not a lot to ask schools to follow the Equalities Act though

I see your point, but I just don't think schools have the staff, time and resources to be meticulously individual in their responses to every situation, especially given the sheer number of pupils with SEN or other issues. I'm not a teacher, but I've seen a lot of school life in various ways & I think we as a society ask an amazing amount

For all we know, it might have been an attempt to remove him from a stressful situation so that he could calm down without an audience and be asked what had happened, and the food-throwers could be dealt with in his absence. We don’t know.

Sorry but it's bollocks that "throwing anything at another person is assault and punishable by law".

The legal definition of assault is "any act which recklessly or intentionally causes another to apprehend immediate unlawful violence"

It's highly context-dependent.

For example, kids mucking about in a school cafeteria and flicking chips at other pupils in an annoying, but not overtly threatening, way is unlikely to meet that bar.

Another example - telling someone to "fuck off" (or any other verbal abuse) could in itself contribute towards an assault charge. Dependent on the context. I'm not suggesting that this incident of bad language would constitute assault - quite the opposite - but I say it to illustrate how context is all.

If kids are being pricks throwing food at lunchtime, the way to deal with them is probably not to go nuclear and start talking about criminal assault.

I guess what people are saying is that OP’s son has clearly been punished more severely as he isn’t allowed in school and they are.

There are other possible punishments than exclusion from school.

But we don’t know. We really don’t know. The OP won’t know what their punishment (if any) happened for those boys.

I would also suggest that given the punishments that we aren’t getting the full story from both sides and just the injustice of the OPs son.

Thanks for the reiteration. I am well versed in ND and know many children of senior school age in school so this (out of school etc is different). In fact many because things are so very black and white know that that language in a school setting is wrong.

But no I won’t make excuses for kids throwing food but it is still wrong to use that language on a school setting. They are both wrong caused by the actions of the original kids throwing food (which would be good to understand - was it one raisin or a whole meal) because a raisin isn’t exactly being under attack.

I haven't read the full thread but as an asd specialist, my first thought is you need to complain. Yes your son swore, however, staff did NOT follow the correct procedure for your sons needs. The reason we have procedures are to help everyone involved.
Punishments can be dealt with after the situation is dealt with.

For all responses saying he wont get away with swearing in the real world.

He isnt in the big world yet and school should be helping him learn how to navigate the real world- hence the strategies in place

OP focus on staffs failure to follow through on strategies as you have every right to complain

How do you know that the food throwers received no punishment? I'm in a school leadership role - there isn't a 'public excecution' process, in these situations each child would be dealt with through an individual process (including parental involvement). Parents may well discuss between themselves but I wouldn't rely on this Chinese whispers approach for accurate information. School wouldn't share with you the outcome for another pupil.

I wouldn't go down the complaint route, but would ask for a review meeting to look at how his plan was/wasn't followed and agree next steps to ensure there isn't a repeat of this situation. I'd also be asking what restorative follow up process is happening between all involved (pupils and teachers).

Hope he's OK, sounds like a distressing situation.

@Darkgreendarkbark you have a really warped take on this. You think that having food thrown at you isn’t assault and that it’s just kids being pricks. You think someone pointing out that kids targeting those who they believe are of lesser status or vulnerable is irrelevant and you think that saying ‘fuck off’ in response to being bullied is as bad as what the bullies did. It makes no sense.

if you were eating your lunch and a colleague came in and started targeting you, throwing stuff at you and laughing at you, would you just sit there and take it?

Also, OP has stated that a specific area of struggle for her neurodiverse child is that they struggle with public confrontation. The staff handled asking him to leave inappropriately. The OPs son has given a perfectly natural response to what has happened to him. He should have been supported and gently reminded that poor language choices weren’t the best response and helped to look at other ways to respond in future. And they should have followed his EHCP. All OPs child has been taught here is that you get in trouble for defending yourself.

I think you need to develop your understanding of neurodiversity!

I know behaviour in schools needs to be managed but i often think its helpful to view situations such as this by comparing what would happen in the "real" world such as a workplace.

Throwing anything at another person is assault and punishable by law. Conversely telling your assailant to "fuck off" is not, assuming it's not accompanied by any violence or missiles in retaliation. Telling someone to fuck off if they are assaulting you is fairly reasonable imo but possibly less reasonable in a school, although these are year 11 children and old enough to chose their own language. However a resonsible adult would usually agree to leave the location if requested and discuss the matter calmly. This escalated the situation but was not worthy of an exclusion imo.

So I think on this basis I would pursue the complaint on behalf of my child but I would also speak to them about managing situations better going forward.

Really because if you were throwing food at me you get bet that I’m going to be telling you to fuck off

Spot on!

I suspect because the ASD kid is likely the easier answer than the food throwers…..

Exactly! People are saying he can’t refuse an instruction but I’m saying - why was it given as an instruction in the first place?

This!
Isn’t the disruption the food throwing?

Why were they instructing him to leave in the first place, though? That’s what I don’t understand. Why did he have to leave? Surely the other boys should have been removed and he should have been allowed to carry on with his lunch and then spoken to afterwards if needed. As I said before, leaving should have been an option and not an instruction.

Does it make a difference whether it is “bullying” or not?

They physically attacked another child. Yes, you could argue throwing food isn’t going to cause any actual bodily harm but it’s still an assault (and one that likely encouraged other children to watch and laugh). To me this is far worse than a severely dysregulated autistic child refusing to follow an instruction from a teacher. It literally blows my mind that other people don’t agree tbh.

The punishment for the other children though is completely irrelevant. The only fact that matters is whether they are still allowed in school or not (they are). This shows a clear discrimination against the SEN child whose “defiance” was caused by their autistic response to the distressing situation.

Because he’d been physical assaulted and knew the instruction was wrong. He has black/ white thinking and will be struggling to deal with sensory issues( noise, a physical assault) alongside handling emotions and understandable outrage at injustice and worry re losing his food.

I’d have refused to leave too.

Has OP confirmed this is bullying??

It is undoubtedly deeply unpleasant behaviour but for it to be bullying it has to be repetition of behaviour.

He did hear it and said no?