To think this is immature ?

@SalfordQuays

how the hell have you decided that OP’s sister is an alcoholic?! Having a few drinks whilst preparing Sunday lunch does not make one a problem drinker, ffs. Are mothers not allowed to have a drink or two in your book?

Why were you around their house?

Can he come and live with you?

you make very little mention of his father?

I would be very upset too. A job at 17 isn’t one that’s going to be worth dropping out of school for. She shouldn’t have said he is hopeless but what she probably meant that his future will be hopeless without education behind him.

I suspect because his auntie told him

your dislike of your sister drips off every post

the thread really is about you and your sister

Exactly

Who wouldn't be disappointed with their child effectively wrecking their life chances, at 17? Plenty of children would love to be in the position to have those choices available to them.

No, your sister isn't immature or unreasonable. She is upset at him effectively giving up at 17. Not so bad if he'd got another plan, but working part-time in a pub isn't changing direction, it's accepting minimum wage with no route out of it.

I think the woman at church is a red herring.

I think parents who prioritise A levels above all else can do a lot of damage. So many teenagers I work with take them because it's the done thing despite them not suiting them. In my experience, with the boys in particular, this quite often seems to end up in them not attending and getting depressed and isolated in their bedrooms, so I think the way your nephew has dealt with it is great! A full time job at 17 shows work ethic, develops his social and communication skills, boosts his confidence and means he'll be in a better position to take on other opportunities if he wants to later, either progressing in the workplace or going back to study - maybe something more vocational. It's the ones who think anything other than a levels and then a Russel group uni is failure / pointless/ dead end that often hit a wall in my experience.

Your sister is venting her concerns in a very unhelpful way, and also very passive aggressive doing it through reporting other people's views. It's great he has you for support.

What kinds of Jobs are they in @FedupofArsenalgame now? And how old?

It’s hard op, in an ideal world we’d all say the perfect thing, but ds has done nothing for exams here, he’s so intelligent and has thrown everything away. I have been biting my lips for weeks. Of course she’s angry and disappointed. She shouldn’t have said it but no doubt they’ll have a calmer conversation sometime soon. Drink never helps!

ps I work in retail so I see how difficult it is to get by when you don’t have qualifications, there’s a lot struggling in here, and I find it tough but am lucky we have a low mortgage. I wouldn’t want to see my son have to figure out how to live on low wages

I suspect this person is more concerned about what people at church think!

Not everyone is academic. Good for him, having the gumption to get out there and find a full time job at 17. I’d be supporting him to the hilt.

@LJShaw you couldn’t be more wrong.

I think your nephew has made a mistake. His home life is unhappy due to his mother’s drinking, so he’s taken a path that ensures he’ll be stuck at home for years to come. No university for him. Unless he’s doing an apprenticeship (which according to your posts OP he isn’t), then he won’t be able to move out for a long time. Education is freedom.

Not sure I voted correctly 🤔. Got confused 🤔😅. But you're allowed a few false starts when you're young... I made several, and still ended up with a good career, family, etc 😀

@feelingbleh

true!

This isn’t Scotland so he shouldn’t have left school for a full time job at 17 regardless. Education or training up to age 18. He can work part time in addition.

Well I own a house (mortgage) and I didn't go to uni just the same as pretty much everyone I know. Uni does not always equal highly paid job. And working doesn't always mean a minimum wage job forever.

It's interesting that your sister attends church but describes her son as hopeless in his earshot. Is she one of those performative Christians who go to church to make themselves look good while actually being selfish and unkind?

She has every right to be upset/annoyed tgst he's dropped out of school. But... it's his life to do with what he wishes. My son dropped out of uni after 3 years (4 year course).
While I too was upset, I thought about him too and the effect going to uni was having on his mental health. He wasn't happy. He is now in a full time job having undertaken an apprenticeship at the age of 25 (he's 29).

He could if he wanted to go back to school/college in the future, this will be his choice.
The mother needs to give her head a wobble and stop being a snob.

@feelingbleh

i get what you’re saying but it’s not a race to the bottom.

his mum is probably worried as to how he is going to ever get on the property ladder or doing life enriching stuff like travelling if he doesn’t do any further education or training.

What a bloody shame. Children mature at different rates. Some are not ready for A level exams, some can only focus on A levels if they understand the bigger picture. My DD trued A levels twice and dropped out of 6th form both times. Spent an additional year at home, depressed, and feeling a failure compared to her friends. We made sure she knew we understood and gave her opportunities to try different stuff - apprenticeships, online A Levels but nothing stuck until she discovered you could do a one year Access to HE diploma, which didn’t have exams [she suffered from severe anxiety due to ASD/ADHD so this was crippling her in class tests]. It was all research project and assignment based. She started at 19, and now at 20 she has straight distinctions and will be going to bloody good uni in Sept… because SHE wanted it. We’d have been happy if she’d taken the qualification and looked at apprenticeships or got a job. At no stage did we tell her or even hint that we were disappointed by (or even for) her.

OP’s DSis should be fucking ashamed of herself. I hope OP can communicate to DNeph that she doesn’t share those views, that taking a different path doesn’t make him ‘less than’ anyone else, and that she is always on hand if he wants to discuss training, school, his life, etc. It sounds as though he needs to know he has someone in his corner.

Your sister is allowed to be disappointed. But she should button it around her son. Talking about him while he is there could do irreparable damage to their relationship. My eldest got into grammar school (we’re in NI, so loads of children take the transfer test) and did so well for the first couple of years. Then he dropped off a cliff. He’s been awaiting ASD assessment for several years - from before he started to struggle with school. He just doesn’t respond well to pressure AT ALL. It has been a hard pill to swallow, but we have had to adjust our expectations. He just isn’t academically inclined, despite his intelligence. He has assured me that he will endeavour to ‘find his thing’.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.