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Original poster

To never tell partner I love him?

760 replies

Takinitgottobserd · 06/06/2025 14:51

Is it weird? I have never told him I love him, and he's never told me he loves me. I do love him, completely. My parents never told me they loved me growing up, and I never told them, but there was absolutely no doubt that we all did.

I spoke to him yesterday and a friend commented that she always told her DH she loved him every time she said bye, and did I not do the same. I said I’d never said it and nor had my DP, and she found it mind blowing.

Is it that strange?

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 15:27

Productiveweek · 15/06/2025 15:02

It transpires you also “don’t care” or “not bothered” about living together or getting married to him so it’s more than just about hearing the words I love you

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I do care about living with him. I care very much that it would be to the detriment of how I currently live.

No, I don’t care about getting married. What would it materially change for me? Other than having a party which I would enjoy.

OP posts:
Productiveweek · 15/06/2025 15:02

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 11:26

Well, this is total bollocks. I had a very happy and secure childhood with two parents who were happy together for 40 years. I very much value how people feel about me. And I would say I was in a very committed relationship.

I just don’t care about hearing them say it.

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It transpires you also “don’t care” or “not bothered” about living together or getting married to him so it’s more than just about hearing the words I love you

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 11:26

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 08:37

Have you ever had any kind of psychological evaluation?

You don't think your parenting affected you and yet you have never told your partner of 5 yes you love him and are not in what most of us would see as a committed relationship. You say you don't want more but why would you? Noones ever taught you to value how someone feels towards you. You're so disconnected from emotion it sounds almost sociopathic

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Well, this is total bollocks. I had a very happy and secure childhood with two parents who were happy together for 40 years. I very much value how people feel about me. And I would say I was in a very committed relationship.

I just don’t care about hearing them say it.

OP posts:
Productiveweek · 15/06/2025 08:45

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 08:37

Have you ever had any kind of psychological evaluation?

You don't think your parenting affected you and yet you have never told your partner of 5 yes you love him and are not in what most of us would see as a committed relationship. You say you don't want more but why would you? Noones ever taught you to value how someone feels towards you. You're so disconnected from emotion it sounds almost sociopathic

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I think that is unfair

Why wouldn’t you think the same then about her partner? Given he is precisely on the same page as the Op and equally doesn’t seem bothered?

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 08:37

Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 19:03

I’m not really bothered if it is.

Show quote history

Have you ever had any kind of psychological evaluation?

You don't think your parenting affected you and yet you have never told your partner of 5 yes you love him and are not in what most of us would see as a committed relationship. You say you don't want more but why would you? Noones ever taught you to value how someone feels towards you. You're so disconnected from emotion it sounds almost sociopathic

Productiveweek · 15/06/2025 06:57

“I don’t care”
”I’m not really bothered”

Should be inscribed on your headstone.

I can understand feeling that way about whether or not you have a starter or straight to main course, but to not be bothered or don’t care whether or not your partner of 5 years has ever said I love you before asking you to marry? About whether or not you ever live with your partner? About whether or not you ever marry your partner? Is curious

MidnightMeltdown · 14/06/2025 22:49

Fingerpie · 06/06/2025 15:16

My parents never told me they loved me growing up, and I never told them,

surely you know that that is certainly not “normal”?

Do you have children yet op?

Edited

I think it’s pretty normal in British families. We’ve never said it in our family either.

I’ve always found it massively cringey when someone says, ‘I love you’. I think because it just wasn’t normal in my family. It’s the sort of thing I associate with Americans being over emotional and cheesy in their displays of affection.

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 19:03

Productiveweek · 14/06/2025 18:38

isn’t this thread very identifying OP? You’ve told us you’re both in mid thirties, together 5 years, both both live in houses that are a 10 minute walk from one another, don’t spend Christmases together, you go away on holiday on Boxing Day every year, he loves painting, he had one girlfriend before you, you have lost a parent, you have a sibling with two children…. Etc etc.

Cant be many out there!

I’m not really bothered if it is.

OP posts:
Productiveweek · 14/06/2025 18:38

isn’t this thread very identifying OP? You’ve told us you’re both in mid thirties, together 5 years, both both live in houses that are a 10 minute walk from one another, don’t spend Christmases together, you go away on holiday on Boxing Day every year, he loves painting, he had one girlfriend before you, you have lost a parent, you have a sibling with two children…. Etc etc.

Cant be many out there!

Mimilamore · 14/06/2025 18:14

I hear it said all the time on quick update phone calls etc. To me it has become a bit of a throwaway remark even if well meant

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 17:05

Did he say that he’d be there for you and the child as a partner and father if you chose to go ahead? Did he go to the appointment with you? Was he with you when you were going through the miscarriage?

To all of this, yes.

if you do go ahead, then you should move on with me or vice versa until we find somewhere more suitable?

He didn’t say this, and it absolutely wouldn’t have been helpful for where I was mentally at the time.

OP posts:
Niceduck · 14/06/2025 17:03

Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 16:55

About a month. He didn’t know whether it was definitely going ahead or not because I was never sure, and it was just impossible to get appointments. It wasn’t a nice time. I never doubted he would step up though, despite knowing that it would never have been his choice.

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Did he give any indication during those weeks about his involvement if you did go ahead? Ie did he reassure you….. “if you do go ahead, then you should move on with me or vice versa until we find somewhere more suitable? Did he say that he’d be there for you and the child as a partner and father if you chose to go ahead? Did he go to the appointment with you? Was he with you when you were going through the miscarriage? Or did he just say he knows it is your decision and he will support your decision?

because these are the action that show love, not buying you a couple of books he think you’d enjoy

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 16:55

Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:48

I am so so sorry. How long did he know for? Did he say anything about how it would work in practise when he thought the pregnancy was going ahead?

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About a month. He didn’t know whether it was definitely going ahead or not because I was never sure, and it was just impossible to get appointments. It wasn’t a nice time. I never doubted he would step up though, despite knowing that it would never have been his choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 16:51

Barnbrack · 14/06/2025 16:47

Are you affectionate with one another? Do you talk about your feelings on things in general? Are you open about other emotions just not love?

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Definitely affectionate. I wouldn’t say talking about emotions is a huge part of our lives but we tell each other is were upset or angry or happy about things that happen in our lives.

OP posts:
Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:49

Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 16:46

He did know, yes, I told him, straight away. It wasn’t particularly happy for either of us because we’d both known for a long time that we didn’t want children. But he understood it was my choice and he’d be supportive of any decision I made.

It was horrible actually because it was over Christmas so very difficult to get appointments to talk to anyone, but in a way nature made the choice so I didn’t have to in the end.

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Such a difficult time of year to be facing this

Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:48

Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 16:46

He did know, yes, I told him, straight away. It wasn’t particularly happy for either of us because we’d both known for a long time that we didn’t want children. But he understood it was my choice and he’d be supportive of any decision I made.

It was horrible actually because it was over Christmas so very difficult to get appointments to talk to anyone, but in a way nature made the choice so I didn’t have to in the end.

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I am so so sorry. How long did he know for? Did he say anything about how it would work in practise when he thought the pregnancy was going ahead?

Barnbrack · 14/06/2025 16:47

Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 14:55

It never bothered me not to hear it as a kid and it doesn’t bother me now.

We just don’t have the ‘I love you my weirdo’ type of dynamic.

Show quote history

Are you affectionate with one another? Do you talk about your feelings on things in general? Are you open about other emotions just not love?

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 16:46

Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:39

Before the miscarriage Op, did he know you were pregnant? What was his reaction?

He did know, yes, I told him, straight away. It wasn’t particularly happy for either of us because we’d both known for a long time that we didn’t want children. But he understood it was my choice and he’d be supportive of any decision I made.

It was horrible actually because it was over Christmas so very difficult to get appointments to talk to anyone, but in a way nature made the choice so I didn’t have to in the end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 16:42

Swiftie1878 · 14/06/2025 16:34

There is a lot to be said for having zero expectations. It is highly unusual though.

Assuming that there is a good level of emotional intelligence, I’d have thought (given OP’s age) he would be checking that she is still OK with things as they are, and isn’t wondering about children before the opportunity is lost. Yet it seems they are both happy to NOT talk about any of those big, life questions. Curious!

I have never said that we haven’t spoken about children.

He does that I’m a grown adult, not a child who is frightened to communicate if I’m unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 16:42

Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:27

Just two people in their mid thirties who don’t really care about ever saying the word love to one another, don’t really care whether they ever live together, don’t really care whether they marry or not. Ah, it warms my heart!

let me guess…. He’s a big gamer?! Obviously you’ll say no to this but I would bet a lot that he is!

He is definitely not! He likes reading, cricket, football, painting, golf etc. He’s got loads of friends and hobbies. He’s not sitting in his bedroom gaming.

But if he wanted to do that, it’s up to him.

OP posts:
Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:39

Before the miscarriage Op, did he know you were pregnant? What was his reaction?

Swiftie1878 · 14/06/2025 16:34

There is a lot to be said for having zero expectations. It is highly unusual though.

Assuming that there is a good level of emotional intelligence, I’d have thought (given OP’s age) he would be checking that she is still OK with things as they are, and isn’t wondering about children before the opportunity is lost. Yet it seems they are both happy to NOT talk about any of those big, life questions. Curious!

Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:28

Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 15:51

I think I’ve said many times now that I know it by the way he acts.

But if I’ve miscalculated and he thinks he doesn’t, I honestly don’t really care as long as we continue to be as happy as we are.

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And you don’t care if you have “miscalculated ” and he actually does not love you …. And that takes this thread to another level of interest!

Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:27

Just two people in their mid thirties who don’t really care about ever saying the word love to one another, don’t really care whether they ever live together, don’t really care whether they marry or not. Ah, it warms my heart!

let me guess…. He’s a big gamer?! Obviously you’ll say no to this but I would bet a lot that he is!

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 14/06/2025 16:22

Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:18

i don’t think it will be tested but I don’t see many people have said yes to a marriage proposal without the other person ever having said I love you to them! Would make the marriage vows tricky 😆

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It probably won’t be. I really don’t care.

OP posts: