Page 6 | To never tell partner I love him?

Takinitgottobserd · 2025-06-06T13:51:01+00:00

Is it weird? I have never told him I love him, and he's never told me he loves me. I do love him, completely. My parents never told me they loved me growing up, and I never told them, but there was absolutely no doubt that we all did. I spoke to him yesterday and a friend commented that she always told her DH she loved him every time she said bye, and did I not do the same. I said I’d never said it and nor had my DP, and she found it mind blowing. Is it that strange?

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 19:12

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 19:11

‘it's not affection, it's not physical it's not emotional, it's not intellectual...’

Complete figment of your imagination.

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Ok, so you're sleeping together, you don't seem to talk about anything below the surface or am I wrong? Ad if so can you explain how?

Original poster

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 19:11

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:52

What am I inventing?

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‘it's not affection, it's not physical it's not emotional, it's not intellectual...’

Complete figment of your imagination.

OP posts:

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:55

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:31

Planning for the future, discussing the emotional motivation for your actions, the living of shared experiences etc

Tempted to ring him and ask for a conversation about the emotional motivation of our actions.

What planning for the future do we need? We plan fantastic holidays and lovely days and nights. We are financially stable and own houses in our own rights. We don’t need to talk about pooling our money to pay for Timothy’s piano lessons or about how we’ll put the kids through university. We don’t need to discuss if we’ve got enough set aside for the extension. We don’t have to worry about if we should move near a good school. What is there to plan for?

Other than continue to be happy and enjoy yourselves and each other.

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See back when we were DINKs we were the same, each owned our own homes etc, financially independent and no 'little Tommy's piano lessons' 🙄 by the way you're not veiling your decision of those living lives with emotional involvement and children. I definitely dontthink everyone needs kids, cohabitation or marriage but to not have had the conversations, or not deeply at least is how it reads. It's so so odd and so emotionally unaware and your extremely reactionary responses just serve to ud erline that you don't entirely understand what emotions are behind things. So so odd

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:52

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:33

You’ve said this before and I’ve asked several times why you’ve inventing things?

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What am I inventing?

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:51

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:36

Did you also miss the multiple times where I was asked if we sleep together, and I answered yes a million times? And whether we were affectionate and I said yes a million times?

Or are you another run of the mill arsehole who cannot understand that anyone who doesn’t want to do it your way can and do still having great and committed relationships?

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No, not at all, I absolutely think you can have a deep and loving relationship without cohabiting, without children (we were together 11 yrs before we had kids and very happy and in love) without mixing finances

What I don't get is the lack of deep knowledge of his wants and plans and vice versa. I could tell you with 99% certainty my husband's feelings and plans on most things long term, not because we live together are married or have children but because we talk about everything, we enjoy sharing each other's thoughts and dreams and plans. That's the bit I don't get. It's the 'ithink, I don't think, as far as I know...' wishy washyness

Original poster

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:36

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:22

I missed the single response where you said you had sex. Everything else sounds the opposite of affectionate and intimate

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Did you also miss the multiple times where I was asked if we sleep together, and I answered yes a million times? And whether we were affectionate and I said yes a million times?

Or are you another run of the mill arsehole who cannot understand that anyone who doesn’t want to do it your way can and do still having great and committed relationships?

OP posts:

Original poster

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:33

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:21

Yeah, I'd assume that too but I'd also not assume I was in a committed and long term relationship if we couldn't have a proper chat about anything beyond a joking comment on 5 years. That's nuts

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Again, you’re inventing things. Do you often struggle with comprehension?

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Original poster

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:33

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:19

Do you have any form thoughts on anything? Marriage is not for you but you probably would if he asked.

It's all so very very surface, I don't know exactly but it's as if you haven't got an ability to think properly for yourself and communicate your wants, needs or emotions. Nothing of what you say here sounds emotionally healthy.

And I don't meant he not living together and the practicalities of your life I mean the emotional, intellectual etc side. It's really odd

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You’ve said this before and I’ve asked several times why you’ve inventing things?

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Original poster

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:31

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:16

Planning for the future, discussing the emotional motivation for your actions, the living of shared experiences etc you just don't seem to have this or if you do it for St come across in what I'm reading and I'm 5 pages into the 8 pages of 1 line responses and deflections you e posted

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Planning for the future, discussing the emotional motivation for your actions, the living of shared experiences etc

Tempted to ring him and ask for a conversation about the emotional motivation of our actions.

What planning for the future do we need? We plan fantastic holidays and lovely days and nights. We are financially stable and own houses in our own rights. We don’t need to talk about pooling our money to pay for Timothy’s piano lessons or about how we’ll put the kids through university. We don’t need to discuss if we’ve got enough set aside for the extension. We don’t have to worry about if we should move near a good school. What is there to plan for?

Other than continue to be happy and enjoy yourselves and each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:26

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:14

Have you directly said to him something like'listen, I'm happy how we are now and happy for it to continue forever but I never want to cohabit and I'm just checking we're on the same page and no one's wasting anyone's time?' because I can't imagine going 5 years and never planning for the future at all.

What are your future plans together? If you're monogamous and committed and planning for forever, have you talked about finances long term? About where you want to live geographically long term about retirement? About career plans and how that may I fluence things? It just all sounds very like and extended version fo the relationships we all had as teens when emotionally immature

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Why would we talk about each other’s finances?

We don’t intend moving anywhere. Retirement won’t be for another 30 years if we’re lucky.

My career plans are mine and his are his. Neither will influence where either of us live, which is the town we live in now.

If married and cohabiting couples in their thirties are spending their days talking about their finances and retirement plans then I’m pleased I’m not one of them. Sounds dull as fuck.

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Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:22

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:13

Any advance on why you invented ‘it's not affection, it's not physical it's not emotional, it's not intellectual...’ from the top of your head?

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I missed the single response where you said you had sex. Everything else sounds the opposite of affectionate and intimate

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:21

Productiveweek · 15/06/2025 18:13

they vaguely discussed once that if we ever moved in together it would be a detached house with enough room for us to have our own sitting room and bathroom.

one semi joking chat in 5 years. I think the Op is completely reasonable to assume that he’s not “hugely keen” on moving in together!

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Yeah, I'd assume that too but I'd also not assume I was in a committed and long term relationship if we couldn't have a proper chat about anything beyond a joking comment on 5 years. That's nuts

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:19

Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 18:03

I never said never in a month of Sundays for marrying. I probably would if he asked.

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Do you have any form thoughts on anything? Marriage is not for you but you probably would if he asked.

It's all so very very surface, I don't know exactly but it's as if you haven't got an ability to think properly for yourself and communicate your wants, needs or emotions. Nothing of what you say here sounds emotionally healthy.

And I don't meant he not living together and the practicalities of your life I mean the emotional, intellectual etc side. It's really odd

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:16

Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 19:42

Aside from having kids, getting married, living together or posting on social media (?) what differentiates a casual and serious relationship, in your view?

He makes time for me. He makes me absolutely secure he neither lies to me nor cheats on me. He’s thoughtful and supportive. He’s reliable, trusting, and as far away from controlling or possessive as it’s humanly possible to be, which is a big thing for me. How does anyone show love? Getting married, having children, living together and posting about each other on social media are not always demonstrations of love, and often hide many underlying problems.

Planning for the future, discussing the emotional motivation for your actions, the living of shared experiences etc you just don't seem to have this or if you do it for St come across in what I'm reading and I'm 5 pages into the 8 pages of 1 line responses and deflections you e posted

Productiveweek · 15/06/2025 18:14

👋

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:14

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:07

I don’t think he’s hugely keen on living together, because when we have discussed it we’ve semi joked that it would have to be a house big enough for two reception rooms, our own bathroom, big enough not to hear each other have company back of an evening.

But I’ve said this exact sentence about 20 times. Read the thread.

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Have you directly said to him something like'listen, I'm happy how we are now and happy for it to continue forever but I never want to cohabit and I'm just checking we're on the same page and no one's wasting anyone's time?' because I can't imagine going 5 years and never planning for the future at all.

What are your future plans together? If you're monogamous and committed and planning for forever, have you talked about finances long term? About where you want to live geographically long term about retirement? About career plans and how that may I fluence things? It just all sounds very like and extended version fo the relationships we all had as teens when emotionally immature

Original poster

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:14

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:11

Well, yeah, because in the intimacy of a committed relationship sharing how we feel about each other feels natural a d easy and intimate. Sharing it with a bunch of strangers happily but never having that connection with the person you supposedly love so much is absolutely weird. And almost definitely indicates harm done by emotionally cold parenting as the op describes.

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They were not emotionally cold. Why the fuck are you making shite up?

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Productiveweek · 15/06/2025 18:13

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:05

You do t THINK he's keen on living together, how do you not k ow the answer to this after 5 yrs?

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they vaguely discussed once that if we ever moved in together it would be a detached house with enough room for us to have our own sitting room and bathroom.

one semi joking chat in 5 years. I think the Op is completely reasonable to assume that he’s not “hugely keen” on moving in together!

Original poster

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:13

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:11

Well, yeah, because in the intimacy of a committed relationship sharing how we feel about each other feels natural a d easy and intimate. Sharing it with a bunch of strangers happily but never having that connection with the person you supposedly love so much is absolutely weird. And almost definitely indicates harm done by emotionally cold parenting as the op describes.

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Any advance on why you invented ‘it's not affection, it's not physical it's not emotional, it's not intellectual...’ from the top of your head?

OP posts:

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:11

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 09/06/2025 09:20

Surely you can see that saying 'I love him' on MN or to a friend is totally different to saying 'I love you'.

These threads always fill up with people who act as if it's outrageous that somebody should think and feel differently to themselves. (Edited to add that I'm not directing this at you @Easyonaweekend)

I feel uncomfortable saying these kinds of things, and possibly even more so having them said to me. A friend recently told me in a very heartfelt way how glad she was to have met me. I was touched, don't get me wrong, but I found the situation extremely awkward and I'd have rather she hadn't said it.

Edited

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Well, yeah, because in the intimacy of a committed relationship sharing how we feel about each other feels natural a d easy and intimate. Sharing it with a bunch of strangers happily but never having that connection with the person you supposedly love so much is absolutely weird. And almost definitely indicates harm done by emotionally cold parenting as the op describes.

Original poster

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:07

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:05

You do t THINK he's keen on living together, how do you not k ow the answer to this after 5 yrs?

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I don’t think he’s hugely keen on living together, because when we have discussed it we’ve semi joked that it would have to be a house big enough for two reception rooms, our own bathroom, big enough not to hear each other have company back of an evening.

But I’ve said this exact sentence about 20 times. Read the thread.

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Original poster

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:05

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:03

It reads like he's a casual acquaintance, you don't seem to talk about anything below the surface.

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I know some people are stupid and they can’t help that, but this is a staggering amount of incomprehension if you’ve actually read my posts.

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Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:05

Takinitgottobserd · 06/06/2025 15:47

He doesn’t want children. I don’t think he’s hugely keen on living together. I have no idea if his family would say they love him or not, I’ve never asked.

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You do t THINK he's keen on living together, how do you not k ow the answer to this after 5 yrs?

Original poster

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 18:04

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:01

It's this sort of thing, 5 yrs and you don't know how his family interact or how he feels about it

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He barely knows how his family act.

How have you got ‘it's not affection, it's not physical it's not emotional, it's not intellectual...’?

OP posts:

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 18:03

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 17:57

If it's not affection, it's not physical it's not emotional, it's not intellectual... What are you to one another exactly?

Have you read any of my posts?

Why have you just invented this?

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It reads like he's a casual acquaintance, you don't seem to talk about anything below the surface.