Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never tell partner I love him?

760 replies

Takinitgottobserd · 06/06/2025 14:51

Is it weird? I have never told him I love him, and he's never told me he loves me. I do love him, completely. My parents never told me they loved me growing up, and I never told them, but there was absolutely no doubt that we all did.

I spoke to him yesterday and a friend commented that she always told her DH she loved him every time she said bye, and did I not do the same. I said I’d never said it and nor had my DP, and she found it mind blowing.

Is it that strange?

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 21:09

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 21:07

What does he say back when you say you feel lucky to have found him?

Show quote history

Similar back. Or he’ll say similar first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 21:08

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 21:06

Oh ok so what would he say if you said it post coital

Show quote history

I’ve told you that I’m not answering any more ‘what would he say’ posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 21:07

wrongthinker · 15/06/2025 21:04

You asked for opinions, OP. Perhaps that was a mistake. You don't seem equipped to deal with hearing them.

Show quote history

I didn’t seek opinions on whether I love him. I know I do. Perhaps learn to read and comprehend the OP. Clearly it’s something many people on this forum struggle with.

OP posts:
Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 21:07

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 21:01

This I the last time I explain to you something I’ve already explained on this thread.

I don’t like saying it, I don’t like lovey dovey conversations, I see no need to say it. I’ve said it to men in the past and heard it from them and it’s meant absolutely nothing. I tell him often how lucky I feel to have found him. That means a lot more from me.

Show quote history

What does he say back when you say you feel lucky to have found him?

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 21:06

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:54

Well ringing him out of the blue is different to saying it in bed after a few orgasms. He’d likely react according to the situation.

But I have no intention whatsoever of ever saying it, so there we are.

Show quote history

Oh ok so what would he say if you said it post coital

wrongthinker · 15/06/2025 21:04

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 21:03

🙄🙄 Not going to bother reading past your first sentence.

Show quote history

You asked for opinions, OP. Perhaps that was a mistake. You don't seem equipped to deal with hearing them.

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 21:03

wrongthinker · 15/06/2025 21:01

Well you don't speak or behave as though you have any actual feelings of love towards anyone. And according to you, your partner would find any mention of the word "love" to be concerning and disturbing. I have no idea why you think he loves you or why you think you love him. People who are in love tell each other how they feel about one another. Partly because at some point the feelings demand expression. People blurt it out.

Maybe you do love him but the only expression you can imagine for those feelings is starting a thread on MN. Which is both odd and sad.

Either way, you asked if it’s odd and yes, it is, very.

Show quote history

🙄🙄 Not going to bother reading past your first sentence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 21:01

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 20:55

Why

Show quote history

This I the last time I explain to you something I’ve already explained on this thread.

I don’t like saying it, I don’t like lovey dovey conversations, I see no need to say it. I’ve said it to men in the past and heard it from them and it’s meant absolutely nothing. I tell him often how lucky I feel to have found him. That means a lot more from me.

OP posts:
wrongthinker · 15/06/2025 21:01

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:50

Oh well. If you don’t think we do then I must be wrong. You’d know better.

Honestly the patronising shit people come out with on here.

Edited
Show quote history

Well you don't speak or behave as though you have any actual feelings of love towards anyone. And according to you, your partner would find any mention of the word "love" to be concerning and disturbing. I have no idea why you think he loves you or why you think you love him. People who are in love tell each other how they feel about one another. Partly because at some point the feelings demand expression. People blurt it out.

Maybe you do love him but the only expression you can imagine for those feelings is starting a thread on MN. Which is both odd and sad.

Either way, you asked if it’s odd and yes, it is, very.

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 20:55

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:54

Well ringing him out of the blue is different to saying it in bed after a few orgasms. He’d likely react according to the situation.

But I have no intention whatsoever of ever saying it, so there we are.

Show quote history

Why

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:54

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 20:52

It's the 'i suspect'

5 yrs and you can't for certain say how he'd react to you saying you love him

Show quote history

Well ringing him out of the blue is different to saying it in bed after a few orgasms. He’d likely react according to the situation.

But I have no intention whatsoever of ever saying it, so there we are.

OP posts:
Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 20:52

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:49

This is the last one of these ‘what would he do if’ questions I’m answering.

I suspect he’d be very surprised and very concerned there was something seriously wrong.

Show quote history

It's the 'i suspect'

5 yrs and you can't for certain say how he'd react to you saying you love him

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:50

wrongthinker · 15/06/2025 20:38

Yes it is very odd, OP, to be in a long term relationship without ever discussing how you feel about each other or what you mean to one another. It is normal, in every sense, to say "I love you" to a person who you love - and when we fall in love it is one of the milestones of a relationship when that is acknowledged to one another by saying "I love you."

I don't think you do love one another. It sounds like you get along well and both find that the relationship meets your needs at present. That sounds like it's enough for you. You don't need to bring love into it when neither of you actually feel it for the other.

Oh well. If you don’t think we do then I must be wrong. You’d know better.

Honestly the patronising shit people come out with on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:49

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 20:39

If you called him right now and said, I wanted to tell you I love you. What would he say back?

Show quote history

This is the last one of these ‘what would he do if’ questions I’m answering.

I suspect he’d be very surprised and very concerned there was something seriously wrong.

OP posts:
Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 20:39

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:21

You’re asking me how I’d feel if the man I love, am committed to and who I am in a very happy relationship with left me for another woman?

Are you genuinely thick?

Show quote history

If you called him right now and said, I wanted to tell you I love you. What would he say back?

wrongthinker · 15/06/2025 20:38

Yes it is very odd, OP, to be in a long term relationship without ever discussing how you feel about each other or what you mean to one another. It is normal, in every sense, to say "I love you" to a person who you love - and when we fall in love it is one of the milestones of a relationship when that is acknowledged to one another by saying "I love you."

I don't think you do love one another. It sounds like you get along well and both find that the relationship meets your needs at present. That sounds like it's enough for you. You don't need to bring love into it when neither of you actually feel it for the other.

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 20:30

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:21

You’re asking me how I’d feel if the man I love, am committed to and who I am in a very happy relationship with left me for another woman?

Are you genuinely thick?

Show quote history

Ok, so you do have deep feelings about your relationship, why not share them with him?

Productiveweek · 15/06/2025 20:22

I have pm-ed you @Barnbrack

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:21

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 20:19

So what would you say/ feel if that happened?

Show quote history

You’re asking me how I’d feel if the man I love, am committed to and who I am in a very happy relationship with left me for another woman?

Are you genuinely thick?

OP posts:
Productiveweek · 15/06/2025 20:20

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 20:18

Is he? It doesn't sound like she entirely knows because they don't seem to talk about feelings but yeah I'd say he's also emotionally stunted

Show quote history

like the OP i imagine… he is “indifferent” or “don’t care”

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 20:19

Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:08

Again, writing fiction.

Show quote history

So what would you say/ feel if that happened?

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 20:18

Productiveweek · 15/06/2025 08:45

I think that is unfair

Why wouldn’t you think the same then about her partner? Given he is precisely on the same page as the Op and equally doesn’t seem bothered?

Show quote history

Is he? It doesn't sound like she entirely knows because they don't seem to talk about feelings but yeah I'd say he's also emotionally stunted

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:09

Tandora · 15/06/2025 19:51

Tbf, whether it is odd or not that you haven’t said it, is deeply rooted in the nature of your relationship.

Yes of course it is. People are obviously going to ask about the context of the relationship to try and assess whether it’s odd.

I don’t mind people asking. I mind people inventing fictional elements of our relationship and posting increasingly nasty posts based on the fiction they have made up in their own head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:08

Barnbrack · 15/06/2025 19:58

I just don't read emotional commitment, I feel like if he came to her and said listen this has been great but I've fallen in love with someone so this is it for our casual affair she'd say 'eeeew you're so needy now, thank goodness you've decided to channel that every elsewhere'

Show quote history

Again, writing fiction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 15/06/2025 20:07

Swiftie1878 · 15/06/2025 19:43

Tbf, whether it is odd or not that you haven’t said it, is deeply rooted in the nature of your relationship.

I am very clearly a different person to you. And my DH is very, very different to your DP.
We make plans, not just to go to the cinema or go on holiday, but about how our lives should look and how we get to that destination.
For us it has involved where we want to live, what jobs we want to do, children, friendship development, retirement plans - loads of stuff.
It is ALL based on our love and commitment to each other.

You have described a very happy scenario with emotional but no practical commitment (by this I mean living together and/or having kids).
I guess people are just trying to work out your relationship in order to understand whether the saying ‘I love you’ or not is ‘weird’.

Show quote history

Maybe some are doing that.

But a minority are just trying to troll.

OP posts: