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Original poster

To never tell partner I love him?

760 replies

Takinitgottobserd · 06/06/2025 14:51

Is it weird? I have never told him I love him, and he's never told me he loves me. I do love him, completely. My parents never told me they loved me growing up, and I never told them, but there was absolutely no doubt that we all did.

I spoke to him yesterday and a friend commented that she always told her DH she loved him every time she said bye, and did I not do the same. I said I’d never said it and nor had my DP, and she found it mind blowing.

Is it that strange?

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 20:00

Tandora · 13/06/2025 19:49

Yes I do understand and of course it sounds like a healthy happy relationship. But he could do all these things and it wouldn’t necessarily imply a serious or long term committment surely? Couldn’t a happy , time limited , sincere friendship also contain all these things? How do you know this is a ling term committment I guess without asking bim/ him telling you, or him doing something that obviously entails a long term committment (like getting a joint mortgage, having a baby , getting married, etc)?

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We could do any of those things and he could still leave tomorrow.

Couldn’t a happy , time limited , sincere friendship also contain all these things?

Do you really think that if you don’t live together and have kids that you might as well stop having sex and just be friends?

OP posts:
Tandora · 13/06/2025 19:49

Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 19:42

Aside from having kids, getting married, living together or posting on social media (?) what differentiates a casual and serious relationship, in your view?

He makes time for me. He makes me absolutely secure he neither lies to me nor cheats on me. He’s thoughtful and supportive. He’s reliable, trusting, and as far away from controlling or possessive as it’s humanly possible to be, which is a big thing for me. How does anyone show love? Getting married, having children, living together and posting about each other on social media are not always demonstrations of love, and often hide many underlying problems.

Yes I do understand and of course it sounds like a healthy happy relationship. But he could do all these things and it wouldn’t necessarily imply a serious or long term committment surely? Couldn’t a happy , time limited , sincere friendship also contain all these things? How do you know this is a ling term committment I guess without asking bim/ him telling you, or him doing something that obviously entails a long term committment (like getting a joint mortgage, having a baby , getting married, etc)?

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 19:43

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 19:33

I wasn’t asking you

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Yes I know, I can read. You’re asking so you can twist it, as you’ve been doing for the whole thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 19:42

Aside from having kids, getting married, living together or posting on social media (?) what differentiates a casual and serious relationship, in your view?

He makes time for me. He makes me absolutely secure he neither lies to me nor cheats on me. He’s thoughtful and supportive. He’s reliable, trusting, and as far away from controlling or possessive as it’s humanly possible to be, which is a big thing for me. How does anyone show love? Getting married, having children, living together and posting about each other on social media are not always demonstrations of love, and often hide many underlying problems.

OP posts:
Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 19:33

Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 19:30

So your question is irrelevant.

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I wasn’t asking you

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 19:30

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 19:25

Yes we all know that OP!

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So your question is irrelevant.

OP posts:
Tandora · 13/06/2025 19:30

Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 18:35

It’s as close to knowing as anyone ever can be, unless you think that saying the words automatically make them true.

He probably won’t ask. I don’t really care.

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Hi OP, I don’t mean this rudely at all, but more food for thought. You say you know he loves you, but he has never told you that and you have never asked. You say that you love him, but that you “wouldn’t care” if he didn’t actually love you. You say you’d marry him if he asked but you don’t care if he does ask you…

I totally agree that actions speak louder than words, but what actions has he carried out to show you that he loves you in a way that implies any kind of serious commitment ? It sounds like he is kind and thoughtful, that you have fun together, that you are affectionate/ physical etc. but people can be all these things in a less committed/ serious relationship. You haven’t moved in together, you haven’t discussed it, you don’t want a family, he’s given no indication that he wants to marry you, you don’t know his family too well, he doesn’t post about you on social media... Of course none of these things equal love and you can have a committed , loving relationship without each or all of these things , but without any of the typical actions that differentiate between serious commitment/ love and a happy-but-causal relationship, and without him telling you he loves you, on what basis are you assuming the former? Couldn’t someone who really liked someone for now and enjoyed the relationship but who had no long term intentions or particularly deep feelings behave exactly as you have described your BF?

So what are these actions that speak louder than words?

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 19:25

Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 19:05

My boyfriend hasn’t asked me to marry him.

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Yes we all know that OP!

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 19:05

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 18:49

But he did say it to you before he asked you to marry him?

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My boyfriend hasn’t asked me to marry him.

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Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 18:49

vdbfamily · 13/06/2025 18:46

I have been married 23 years and could count on one hand how often my DH has said the words ' I love you' but I am someone who strongly believes that actions speak louder than words. I have friends who say' love you' every 5 minutes to partners and I personally feel that just demeans the sentiment as it becomes just something you say. My husband lost his family when he married me( very controlling mother who had a more suitable, wealthy suitor lined up and thought my family had nothing to offer!!) I KNOW he loves me as he gave up everything to be with me. ❤️❤️

But he did say it to you before he asked you to marry him?

vdbfamily · 13/06/2025 18:46

I have been married 23 years and could count on one hand how often my DH has said the words ' I love you' but I am someone who strongly believes that actions speak louder than words. I have friends who say' love you' every 5 minutes to partners and I personally feel that just demeans the sentiment as it becomes just something you say. My husband lost his family when he married me( very controlling mother who had a more suitable, wealthy suitor lined up and thought my family had nothing to offer!!) I KNOW he loves me as he gave up everything to be with me. ❤️❤️

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 18:36

Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 18:35

It’s as close to knowing as anyone ever can be, unless you think that saying the words automatically make them true.

He probably won’t ask. I don’t really care.

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All good then. And yes I think you’re probably right from what you’ve said throughout

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 18:35

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 18:24

Well you both strongly think that you love each other other based on actions

that isn’t the same as “know”

and it’s a bit weird that you think it would be completely not strange for someone to ask his girlfriend of more than 5 years to marry him and yet neither person has ever said they love one another

in any event, being “I am indifferent to marriage” probably isn’t the best start

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It’s as close to knowing as anyone ever can be, unless you think that saying the words automatically make them true.

He probably won’t ask. I don’t really care.

OP posts:
Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 18:24

Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 18:20

He knows I love him though. I know he loves me.

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Well you both strongly think that you love each other other based on actions

that isn’t the same as “know”

and it’s a bit weird that you think it would be completely not strange for someone to ask his girlfriend of more than 5 years to marry him and yet neither person has ever said they love one another

in any event, being “I am indifferent to marriage” probably isn’t the best start

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 18:20

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 18:17

I think to ask someone to marry you having never ever said that you love that person would be… yep I’m going to say it “strange”

He knows I love him though. I know he loves me.

OP posts:
Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 18:17

I think to ask someone to marry you having never ever said that you love that person would be… yep I’m going to say it “strange”

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 18:12

Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 18:03

I never said never in a month of Sundays for marrying. I probably would if he asked.

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Yes that’s what I’m very much sensing

Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 18:03

Lucyliesdown · 13/06/2025 06:04

It’s two people in a relationship for 5 years

the op loves him and feels loved by him

neither of them have ever said or will say it (unless it suddenly doesn’t make you “squirm and feel “uncomfortable”!)

No plans to ever move in together (and never in a month of Sundays marry!) and don’t discuss it as a plan for the future. “Very happy” living apart and “doesn’t think” that will ever change.

OP, it’s certainly not commonplace for a 5 year plus relationship of two people in mid thirties, I think you can agree with that? But it works for you, and that is all that matters

I never said never in a month of Sundays for marrying. I probably would if he asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takinitgottobserd · 13/06/2025 18:00

I’m confident he’s not going to marry and have children with another woman. If he did though, I still wouldn’t want kids.

OP posts:
Tandora · 13/06/2025 17:31

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 17:28

Maybe she has gone on to marry and have children and is now in this very thread talking about how she never said I love you to an extent but now says it every day to her husband

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Yeh you are right, I was conflating the story where the woman never had a chance for a family and then died.

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 17:28

Tandora · 13/06/2025 17:27

Yeh but unless he’s significantly lacking in self awareness he no doubt could have been more honest with himself and her about his indifference. Presumably the relationship suited him in the short term so he didn’t bother.

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Maybe she has gone on to marry and have children and is now in this very thread talking about how she never said I love you to an extent but now says it every day to her husband

Tandora · 13/06/2025 17:27

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 16:47

Presumably that is how he felt with her

and then he met someone that made him realise it wasn’t just words

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Yeh but unless he’s significantly lacking in self awareness he no doubt could have been more honest with himself and her about his indifference. Presumably the relationship suited him in the short term so he didn’t bother.

Tandora · 13/06/2025 17:25

Celeryindip81 · 13/06/2025 14:45

Tbf she never had kids because she stayed with him. Presumably she didn’t have a gun to her head

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Really simplistic way of looking at it tbh

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 16:47

GuevarasBeret · 13/06/2025 16:45

The lying was saying it is “nonsense and just words” i.e. meaningless.

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Presumably that is how he felt with her

and then he met someone that made him realise it wasn’t just words

GuevarasBeret · 13/06/2025 16:45

Clockface9 · 13/06/2025 16:07

The poster said her brother never said I love you and vice versa and they never lived together

that relationship ended

and in the new one he clearly did say he loves her as they moved in together, married and had a child together

where is the lying?

and what’s your knowledge of what is meaningful to your BIL or not?

Confused !

The lying was saying it is “nonsense and just words” i.e. meaningless.