DH wants horses

As long as his is happy left alone if the other owner goes out!

When I bought, my DH told me he would never have anything to do with the horse and he kept his word, bar mucking out once when I had a horrible accident (mates pitched in and looked after the horse while I was out of action) and hauling bales of shavings. You need to tell your Dh you will have nothing to do with the horse and stick to it. When will he have family time? Who will care for the horse when you’re on holiday? Will the dc want ponies?!

Has he added up costs-purchase price, tack, farrier, feed, bedding, lessons, competitions if he wants to compete which means relevant transport (!!), vet, insurance, hat, riding gear, possibly building stables or a field shelter. Will he be happy to be up all night if the horse colicks? Keep it in if it gets an abscess? Get the emergency vet and miss work?

You will need several acres and possibly a ‘trash’ field for winter: you obviously shouldn’t keep a horse alone. I know several people with shetlands as companions, think they’re mad!

Assuming he had plenty of space, he could offer free stable and grazing in change for chores. Lots of people, particularly in cost of living crisis, would be more than happy to turn out his horse with theirs in the morning and poo pick in exchange for free livery.

It would also mean his horse had a companion without him needing to buy two.

I am really surprised by the responses on here saying "why would you stop him living his dream".

OP has said:
He currently works long hours and I pick up 100% of everything else to do with the children and house.
and
My concern is that he is seeing the whole horse idea through rose tinted spectacles and I will end up being the one doing the day to day grind of sorting them out.

It seems a crazy idea for someone who has never kept a horse and doesn't have much free time / isn't hands on at home.

There is surely a massive risk that OP will be left looking after multiple horses while doing everything else to do with the house and kids. "I'm stuck at work, can you go and sort the horses tonight." "Oh I never thought about who will look after the horses when we are away."

I think it would need to be really clear that OP's DH is responsible for sorting everything to do with the horses and OP won't be involved at all.

Kept riding and bought one? What is he trying to do if not exactly this?!

There's plenty of reason why he hasn't had one up until now, finances, time constraints etc. In fact the sensible thing to do is to get the correct set up, housing and finances in place for any animal before you buy it. He is doing exactly that.

I also hate livery yards, but that's besides the point. The fact is if time is such a big issue he would be far better off having the horse at home. He can pop out in the morning and the evening, easy. If it was at a yard somewhere he would potentially have to drive 30 mins there 30mins back so to visit twice a day could be two hours just driving around.

Half of the enjoyment of horses is being able to have a cup of coffee in the morning and watch them grazing, interacting with eachother, just enjoy life. I loved nothing more then looking out of the window and seeing them in the field.

You can also prepare their feed the night before and just pop it over the fence in the morning if you know you're going to be really busy. If they are kept in, you can turn them out first thing and muck out the stable later when you get home.

I think everybody is making a mountain out of a mole hill, he wants a couple of horses, he's saved and planned for five years. It's not a whim. He deserves to have the things he wants.

Yes, exactly.

Do you want to move house, OP?

And have you made it crystal clear that you will not be adding mucking out, poo-picking and turnout to your daily chores? Thst, should his conveniently paternalistic fantasies of ‘local people in the village’ being happy to trade livery duties for riding not turn out, he will have to pay for someone to feed, groom, exercise, turn out, muck out, fence-check etc his horses?

Surely if you were just talking about a house move nobody would agree he was reasonable for announcing it was happening without consultation and that seems to be one part of this. Do you actually want to move? Does that work for you and the kids? And then I agree it seems that he hasn't really thought through looking after the horse(s) - if I didn't mind moving I would support him (you can always rent the land) but make it clear that I would not be regularly doing anything related to looking after the horse. It's loads of work - used to have horses - maybe try to get enough space that you could have two horses, one which is his and rent space to someone else for their horse and then you could find someone who would at least be able to help out in an emergency and for holidays or who would do the morning in exchange for free stable and field

Do you want to live in the middle of nowhere? Would be an absolute no for me, but if you’re otherwise up for it…

I’m laughing at the “just pop up and check them twice a day” comment. If only! I’d love to do that. We have 15 acres of land for three horses. They get regularly rotated and the fields are looked after, but horses still need lots of other work. I’m constantly juggling fly bites, midges, too rich pasture, too little grass this year, sunburn, you name it. Just when you think you’ve covered everything they find another way to get sick or injure themselves! As for costs, I try not to add it up, but suffice to say we could probably have a couple of Caribbean holidays a year if we didn’t have them. I love horses, I worked with horses and am a qualified instructor, but our current horse will be our last. I’m fed up of the work and cost.

However I do agree that horses are in your blood and riding other people’s horses isn’t the same. However he needs to either do that or have his own horse on livery before he blows your entire savings on a dream.

But OPs husband had just ‘ ridden a bit ‘ as a teenager and not been interested for 20 odd years?!

If he was really in to horses then surely he would have kept riding or bought one? If he loves them so much he would have kept up no?

He already works long hours and doesn’t help OP either the house or spend time with THEIR
children so I think he needs to address that first really doesn’t he?

Also your last paragraph is just ridiculous - having children is completely different and presumably they both wanted them?

My sister has had horses all her life. They aren't necessarily expensive to buy but they are hugely expensive in time and money to keep.
She's a proper horsey expert and it's an absolute minefield buying the right horse, seriously unscrupulous people who won't disclose problems with health or temperament.
Then there's vet bills and blacksmiths, not to mention kit. You can't just chuck a horse in a field, they need regular care and contact (also company) so every day more than once. When you go away you need a trusted person to look after them.
When they get old what do you do? My sister has never got rid of a retired horse so always has an elderly one around, plus the odd pony companion.

Op did you your husband insist you take a job at a nursery and then at a school before you embarked on a child of your own? Perhaps made sure that you had babysat for somebody else for several hours every week, to be sure you liked children enough to want one of your own?

Presumably the DC were something they planned and wanted together, warts and all and it sounds as if the OP does facilitate his life being unimpeded in the workplace by carrying all the home load.

If you want to compare with DC the comparison would be only one partner wanting children to which the stock response is “both of you need to want it” considering the impact on both lives.

He isn’t talking about buying an overpriced bike and lycra which in a year will sit forgotten in the garage. He is assuming, despite evidence to the contrary, that he has the time needed to own and manage living horses when currently he doesn’t have time at home due to “long hours” and hasn’t tested out the commitment for himself by one of the half way options.

An adult absolutely has the right not to want to move house solely because someone else has an obsession with buying land so he can own horses, when he hasn’t ridden in years and has no experience of ownership whatsoever.

I have owned horses for the best part of 50 years. They are a herd animal, so you can’t just have one. You have to check on them regularly - you can’t just chuck them in a field and ignore.
Your DH would be better to buy a horse and put it on DIY livery so he can learn how much work is involved.

I used to have two large farms in Wales so I know plenty about field management.

My horses were barefoot, dragging them in for the farrier was easy.

They were honestly not much work at all, everything they needed was on my doorstep so, full tack room and hay on tap as we had it delivered by the lorry load for the cows. I had stables but I mostly kept them out unless they were in for training or being brought into work.

I've never found any of it particularly difficult, expensive or even impractical. People talk about horses as if they're akin to raising dragons. The man has saved up 400k in the last 5 years for his dream, he can afford a horse. Particularly as he won't have livery costs and the horse will be on site so I won't have to drive out to somewhere else daily.

He could probably get some local teenager to come and do chores for not much money (and no, not all teenagers are immature, I used to have a farm hand who was absolutely brilliant).

For holidays he could get in house sitters. I've actually done this myself, it's a free holiday for me and I get to play with somebody else's horses, usually at a fairly nice large house in the country. Text the owners some pictures of their pets. Everybody is happy.

Op did you your husband insist you take a job at a nursery and then at a school before you embarked on a child of your own? Perhaps made sure that you had babysat for somebody else for several hours every week, to be sure you liked children enough to want one of your own? Not just doing the fun bits of course but full night feeds and poo. And of course you saved up all the money to pay for their future university costs and the like in advance?

I think if he has always dreamt of doing this it would be a shame if he didnt, especially has he has the money.

But..... does he work still? What is the set up? What kind of horse? I know someone who has a sensible nice cob type who lives out all year on sandy soil, she rotates paddocks and rakes at weekends with a ride on mower. Other owners graze their horses so if she is away there is always someone to check/feed etc.

If he gets a horse that needs stabling in winter and its clay soil it will be very hard work, cold early mornings , washing legs, changing rugs etc.

Most horses don't like living on their own, so he will need 3 so when he rides there are two left behind.

What about livery?

Do you have to use the whole £400k for the move @Dreamingohorses ? Can some be saved for costs?

Completely fair enough to veto if DH is planning on you doing the work! Make it clear that you will not be. Husbands are all too willing to take advantage of free labour from their wives.

I love horses and had 2 when I was younger.
They are a lot of work to keep well and not cheap....he needs to do a bit more research and you need to be clear that you won't be helping him ( unless you want to of course)

Depends on whether the OP’s dreams would cost >100k tax plus all the buying, selling, moving costs and involve their DP in picking up the bulk of that along with everything else because of “long hours”.

@Dreamingohorses has he calculated the running costs of a horse (plus the inevitable second horse as they are herd animals) sensibly? And worked out how much time he really has to spend on horses if he currently lacks time to be involved with the DC? I would not be impressed with a partner who could find time for a time consuming hobby but not for the DC or his share of the load around family.
Would he consider renting a horse as a compromise and see how he gets on with that for 12 months? Then the horse is “his” in terms of use but typically it will live in livery and there is backup to exercise/feed when you are on hols or similar. If he struggles to find the time to manage a rented horse with everything else, he won’t find the time for his own.

As someone who has grown up with horses and owned them all my life, don’t do it 😂

Horses are high maintenance and take over your life. He needs to be fully committed and recognise that it’s not all riding and fun. 95% of it is hard work, battling the weather, dealing with mud/fencing/poo picking/mucking out.. the list goes on!

Sorry but I don’t agree with this at all.

You don’t just stick horses in a field and ‘ pop out to check them once a day’…

They need to be checked properly twice a day

They need the farrier every 7-8 weeks to trim their feet.

They need regular worm counts and worming if necessary

They need the vet/dentist yearly for their teeth

Your field maintenance is topping, harrowing the field and making sure the grazing is rested. Fencing needs to be checked daily and fixed as needed.

On the summer you may have to restrict the grazing to avoid laminitis or the horses being overweight.

All of the above costs £££ and while some horses can be low maintenance, they still need looking after properly.

@Dreamingohorses Yes this! It’s all very well a DP having wanted something for decades but given that OPs compromise suggestions have been rejected I think it’s a good idea to see if DP can put his money where his mouth is. MN frequently tells women to use their voice and hold partners accountable and not be CFs so yes great ideas @MauraLabingi

Agree with this completely. He would be very foolish to jump straight into keeping a horse/horses of his own with no experience. He needs the community that comes with keeping a horse at a livery yard, even better at a yard that will offer lessons, guidance around farriers, hacking out with other owners etc. He’d be more likely to find an experienced rider without their own horse, if he needs to do a part share/loan too.

What kind if horse is he looking at? I’d be encouraging him to spend more on an experienced, older horse that will boost his confidence rather than something very green and young. I’ve a terrifying image of him buying a young 4 year old and trying to train it himself ….At least 13 years old or older is what he needs.

He sounds a bit delusional and perhaps arrogant but I’d say let him go for it, but really the livery yard and one older horse is the best bet.

He currently works long hours and I pick up 100% of everything else to do with the children and house.

There is a conversation to be had here about who exactly is going to do the day to day care. That may well be the way in to agreeing having his own horse at a livery stable. win:win

I would encourage him to go out and look at some horses sooner rather than later. Suggest he buys a horse and keeps it on a livery yard with good facilities for a year whilst you house hunt.
I think it’s a good idea to be around other horsey people at least initially. Lots has changed in the horse world in the last 20 years. And it’s often the case of you don’t know how much you don’t know till you get going.
I agree with him fully that riding at a riding school isn’t great or anything like the same as having your own. And I also would agree with him on not wanting to be on a livery yard long term. I have also repeatedly said I will only go back into horses if I can ever afford to have them on my own land. But in the short term I think it would be a good option to get him going and where he could have some help to fall back on. And also to make some good horsey friends and contacts.
As and when you do have the house and land then he could look to bringing them home . He would need a second horse however or potentially offer a livery space for someone else - which would reduce the workload for him and potentially have someone on hand who is able to help out for holidays etc.

But I would really suggest being on a well equipped yard for at least six months. But as a fact finding mission. What facilities does he regularly use there which he would want at home for example. If he’s at a yard with say a wash bay - does he use it? Is it something he would want to replicate at home etc. or would it be a waste of money putting one in. sell it to him that way.
bit like starting a business - you do your research first and some of that isn’t always the most enjoyable but it pays off in the end.