DH wants horses

That’s a huge amount of money to have saved which is admirable. It sounds like he has a dream and seriously wants to pursue it, you don’t get the right to “block” that if the money is his savings but you do of course have the right to an opinion to be discussed within your relationship.

I have four horses, they are haaaard bloody work but they are also flippin amazing and my sanctuary from the world. Clearly no one should buy an animal without thorough research and prep, so help him with that and find out between you what the costs and commitments are. Horses are herd animals so need company of their own kind; many breeds have inherent health considerations, winter horse care sucks ass, summer horse care can be equally problematic, horses pretty much spend most of their time finding new and interesting ways to die, but the in between times are awesome and they are the best company. You probably won’t see this comment among the hundreds of others but if you’d like some practical advice and support around the possibilities of horse ownership you’re welcome to message me.

My dad talked our whole childhood of buying a yacht. He would hire one most summers and sail with friends, but every time I went into his study to ask for more spending money he would be looking at pictures of yachts

He bought one a decade ago and hasn't looked back. He does most of the maintenance himself, sails it whenever he can. I very much get the sense of someone who has fulfilled his life dream that he worked and saved hard for

I have my horses at home. I was your husband as it was always my dream too. Slight differences in that I had my own pony as a child, then share horses and riding lessons so it has been a constant hobby.
It is hard work having them at home. I love it but it's a lifestyle not a hobby any more.
I have my horse and a companion. I ride 4-5 times a week, I have to do all the poo picking, mucking out, feeding, be there for farrier visits, vet visits, hay deliveries, move the 100 bales of hay, move fences, fix fences etc, etc etc. I work full time but I wouldn't cope if I didn't work from home. I also have very easy horses that my non horsey husband is happy to wrangle on occasion.
I have £30 million liability insurance and I won't hire a groom who isn't insured either.
I knew what I was getting into and it was still a shock to the system. I think you need a hard conversation about how these horses will actually be managed.

OK I'm probably very biased here as I am very much horsey. But this does not sound like a pipe dream. This is something he has worked for and is clearly something he has his heart set on. However I do agree with you that having a horse on livery would be a good starting point. They are a lot of work and yes i agree with you, while this is something he has dreamed of there could well be some rose tinted glasses. Something that may be worth considering is offering a place for someone else to keep their horse with his in exchange for helping with the work load. It's not fair to just have 1 horse on its own, so offering livery in exchange for work could help keep your costs down as well as taking the responsibility off you if he can't do them all the time. I also agree with the comments about caring for them and spotting issues. Riding them and keeping them are very different things.

This in spades!! Horses get the most spectacular (and expensive) array of illnesses - can he spot them and know what to do and who to call?

I can only concur with the sensible comments on here from other experienced horsey folk.

Your point A would be the biggest concern for me. Like another poster above I think he’s either being selfish in his own imaginary bubble, or he’s completely clueless and doesn’t know how much he doesn’t know (and it’ll be the horse that suffers most).

Moving from a livery yard, where you have the support and knowledge of other experienced folk, either other DIY owners or experienced staff, just to your own land with your own horse is a big deal- even when you are fully ‘in the zone’ and know your horse well.

To do it off the back of some riding experience, not even full time ownership, 20 odd years ago is fool hardy in the extreme.

A small example, I rode at a RS from 5-13, then had my own at livery (DIY but it was a mixed yard with staff to offer advice etc if you were stuck). I gave up at 18 and returned to it in my early 20s. Bugger me it was hard! I had lost the strength and balance that was previously natural. I had lost the confidence (or stupidly!) of being a teen. I was far more worried now about falling/the safety of what I was doing now. I shared for a year or two then bought our own at 27.

I knew I didn’t want to share forever- your husband is right. It isn’t the same, both in negative ways (you may not agree with the ways the owner does things/you can’t do what you want) but also there is a massive safety net there- experienced people around you who won’t let you cock up monumentally to the detriment of yourself and the horse.

When I got my own we kept him on DIY livery, and the support not just in knowledge but emotional/confidence/encouragement was priceless. Our boy is retired now and we have discussed moving from the SE to somewhere cheaper in the NW where we could have land and keep him at home (obviously with a companion). I’d still feel a bit nervous moving him to a private home now and not having someone else around to bounce ideas off- just the regular ‘hmmm… does he look off to you?’, ‘the grass is coming through/he’s getting fatter… I’m thinking it’s time to get the muzzle out, what do you reckon?’. I’ve ridden for the majority of my life and owned for 17 years. I’ve competed in a variety of disciplines, mainly local level, but in one at an affiliated national level. I am a competent rider and have some low level BHS exams (British horse society). I am not some numpty, I just know there is a lot I still don’t know!

Keeping them at home, managing all the land and decisions that go with it is a completely different ball game… and that’s before you even think about the other issues you mention regarding moving/expecting help etc.

Just to give you a bit more info @Dreamingohorses I spend at least 1k a month on my horse including livery. I’ve only had him just over 6 months and nothing prepared me for the extra stress and huge money pit ( my planning sheet only had about 3/4 of the things I needed on it! ) I literally used to wake up in a cold sweat like ‘wtf have I done’ and that’s with a full livery package. …..

I loved the suggestion above that you get the horse now and use the livery option as research for how he wants to set up his own yard when you move in.

Hes bonkers to think he can launch straight into ownership with no current knowledge!

Do you already live in the countryside? Do you want to? Do your children? How will you facilitate their social lives as they get older?

I don't really understand why he doesn't enjoy doing riding locally without all the hassle of ownership.
I agree riding a school horse or someone else is a totally different experience to having your own horse. You are being told what to do, where you can ride. Horse riding is about being out in the countryside going for an explore...Looking after them is also part of the experience and can be rewarding.

Horse can be low maintenance or very high, really depends on the horse you get. BUT they must live in a herd. Keeping one by itself is cruel.

What is he wanting to do? Just go out hacking and some light school work (easy low maintenance horse) or full on competition (bit more commitment).

I would say you are supportive but encourage him to go to a livery yard to discuss and get costs and see what they say.

@Dreamingohorses
I think trying to convince him to try livery would be the best option but I suspect he will refuse and just become resentful.

Then he's not thinking of the horse/s but of his own little daydream and that's not what owning horses is like. This is an animal that needs quite specific care. Can he spot it getting a touch of laminitis before it's at the stage it's hobbling around? Can he spot colic? Does he know they need an equine dentist at least annually. Can he see that the horse has changed shape and the saddle no longer fits. Can he spot a hind leg lameness? Or rainscald? Or mud fever? You don't have to be an expert to own a horse (we all started off clueless! :) ) but if you are a novice then you do need to be in the vicinity of someone who is or it's just not fair on the horse.

Good advice.

Also work out actual costs of owning a horse.

If he wants a horse then he'd be best off looking at livery yards. Having one on your own land sounds all very lovely but they are herd animals and aren't happy being kept on their own. So you need a companion (who hopefully will be OK being left on their own when he takes the other for a ride) for starters. You can keep them out all the time but horses aren't easy on the land (they are quite selective grazers) and if your soil is clay then it can turn into a mud bath quite quickly in the winter, plus you are unlikely to have enough grass that they won't need extra hay in the field. You need to poo pick the land each day (unless you have enough acres that you can rotate and harrow). If you stable for part of the day (in during the night at winter and in during the day in summer) then obviously that's two lots of stables to muck out.

If he keeps it on his own land then there is nobody to ride with, nor will he have access to a school to ride/have lessons in. A livery yard will have someone else doing the pasture maintenance (harrowing, topping, rotation), disposing of the muck heap, have other horses around as companions and will (hopefully) have at least a few experienced and knowledgable people around to help or advise if he has any issues.

Please don't take this the wrong way but horses are only second to sheep for developing ailments and so an inexperienced owner taking a horse onto their own land to keep without much knowledge can be a recipe for disaster. Plus non riding school horses are really pretty different beasties from riding school ones so he may find himself out of his depth reasonably quickly.

Personally I would look into livery yards. Find one he likes, that has a good school and lots of good riding nearby (Bing maps has an ordinance survey section), and then visit it to see if he likes the owner/yard manager. Do they have a farrier who visits regularly that he could slot his horse into? Do they have any instructors who come out that he could have lessons with?

By all means look for houses with land if that's what he really wants and wants to move his horse/s there at some stage in the future but for now I'd be looking for that in an area with a few nice yards and good riding.

Clearly OP you need to make it clear to him that the horse is 100% his responsibility. He also needs to ensure family time is not sacrificed. Surely as the children get older he can involve them in this - if they are interested. I wouldn't stop him, but I also wouldn't step in if he doesn't look after the horse properly. I'd simply insist at that point that he sells the horse. If you even try to help out early on it'll become your responsibility so make sure you keep your distance from all things horse related!

Unless he's going to drastically change his long hours job he's being totally unrealistic.

I would be very suspicious that his attitude will be I want what I want and the practicalities will just have to be worked out by others when I'm busy doing my big important job. His comment about there always being people happy to help out in return for a free ride is particularly resonant.

I'd also be concerned about his commitment given that he's not sufficiently interested in horses to have one on livery now or even to have ridden much at all for years on end.

It seems unfair that posters are calling OP controlling when the husband is trying to control where the family lives and won't explain how he intends to properly care for the living creature he insists he wants.

My dad was similar but luckily only dogs and cats, nothing as onerous as horses! Guess who did all the dog walking, vet visits, insurance, grooming, feeding ... yes that was my mum. So I am very wary of this sort of vibe.

It’s not really a case of turning them out and forgetting about them. Native breeds living wild perhaps, but if he wants a horse suitable for doing X country with a beginner, it’ll need regular riding, checking twice a day, rugs on/off, possibly feeding, hay in winter, mucking out stables, poo picking field, farrier costs, insurance, public liability insurance…
it’s not the same as getting a fish that you can just leave for a few days at a time…

Disclaimer - I know nothing about horses.
DH insisted on getting a dog. Droned on about it for years, I agreed on the condition that I was not required to be the carer and he would sort out walking, holiday cover, food etc, etc. and - here’s the important bit - I did not jump in to sort out any gaps. I would tell him to go ahead knock himself out, but you are already at capacity looking after DC and have no interest in getting a horse, therefore it’s all on him. Put it in writing - wr all signed family contracts.
Tell him you will phone RSPCA if you feel the horse is neglected, but he must never, ever expect you to do anything related to it. If you choose to, that’s different, but be very wary of going down that path.

When my dad visits on xmas day he always has to leave relatively early to feed and check on horses - there are times of the year like Christmas that it is harder to get someone to check in on them and you can’t exactly bring them with you. Summer etc he can get a friend to do it and he does it for them. Also has he ever mucked out a stable and wheeled that barrow of heavy poo to the compost heap - I get a strong reaction to the urine so used to really hate that part!

When I was a kid I did a pony summer camp most years where you learned basics like how to clean feet, wash and brush a horse, put on and off saddle and bridal, muck out etc… it would be worth him learning this stuff before getting one! It is different owning than renting but it is also a lot more work. I do really think he should learn the basics and spend some time doing the work before making large financial decisions. I would suggest getting a horse before you move and pay for boarding in a nearby stables in the meantime, it is expensive but not as expensive as a house move. If he manages to look after his horse as it’s been boarded then you will move and buy land. Make sure you board it somewhere where he is expected to do the mucking out and feeding every day so he gets a proper taste of what it entails. You could also explore if a farmer nearby would rent you a field for a few months or a year to trial it - my dads ex girlfriend used to rent her horses land as she couldn’t afford to buy outright.

Like your DH I rode as a teen and then waited and saved till I was 50 to get my own. Budgeted for full livery to allow for work kids and life as well
its been sheer joy and I always worked on the basis I could get out of horses again if it didn’t work out
but if you don’t want to move that’s a separate issue and maybe you need to have a discussion about how to meet everyone’s needs whilst still having a horse

Has he got the income for the upkeep of the horses? It’s very expensive so I’ve heard.

On top of the other costs, if he hasn't ridden much for 20 years he will probably need a few lessons to get back in the swing. It's easy to develop bad habits.

Totally agree with @Anotherparkingthread and all her comments.

Partly because this is even less like having children in that if it doesn’t work out the horse(s) can always be sold again…..

Ex horse person here, your original post sounds like he doesn't actively ride but wants his own horse to do it again. Can he lease a horse for 6 months to let him see how it fits for his life, and it he really loves it you can look to plan the horse farm. Theres usually a good number of people who need a share situation due to work, pregnancy etc so leases aren't too hard to find to give it a test run.

My initial response was “DO IT! Buy ponies!!” 😀

Love horses and had them when I was a teenager. Would love to have them again BUT…

What’s he planning on doing with these horses?
Is he going to be riding them and getting lessons (££), doing competitions (££), getting all the kit to do competitions (£££)?
Will he be getting a horse box or a trailer for his ponies?
Are you moving house to accommodate his new hobby? If he wants his ponies near to the house, the number of suitable houses reduces hugely. If you are moving, how much input are you going to get in your new house? If he sees somewhere with the perfect stable block, ideal fields etc but it’s too far away from DC’s school, the commute doubles or it’s only got 2 bedrooms what then?
Why on EARTH would you be doing the horses?! His dream that he’s had for 20 years that he’s saved for. They will be HIS horses, not family/communal pets. He shouldn’t be relying on anyone to take care of his ponies.
He is massively unreasonable to think there will be friendly yokels to look after his ponies for a free trot! Think that stopped around 19 years ago. Folk are fast too clued up these days. 20 years ago there weren’t really any dog walkers, now they’re everywhere.

A PP gave a very sensible list of questions for him like how much time he’ll be spending with the family. Will you all be able to share his ponies if you like it or will you be made to enjoy it even though you hate it? Yes you’ve got to follow your dreams, but when you’ve got a family you’ve surely got to consider how much your dreams impact on them? What happens if he does all this then decides it’s a bit rubbish and not how he remembered? You’ll be ££££££ down so he could follow his dream. This is how the Relationships Threads things start with ‘D’Hs who spend all their free time playing golf/cycling/football…