DH wants horses

Yeah but what happens when the inevitable excuses start coming, ‘oh I’ve got to leave early to get to my big important job, can you sort the horses today’
‘oh sorry I’m going to be late home tonight (in the middle of winter) when it’s dark and pissing with rain, can you bring the horses in and sort them out’
‘oh sorry we can’t go on holiday this year because I can’t find anyone to look after the horses. But you can go away with the kids on your own!’

OP I don’t know if you’re horsey but if not then frankly it would be dangerous for you (and them) to be left in charge of looking after them. so many things can go wrong.

I used to have horses and it was great but I look back to see what a struggle it was for my Mum.
Having horses is a lifestyle and while it has its up it sure as hell has its downs as well and although I love horses and so does DD I would never have them again.

I have no direct experience op , but my husband was brought up around horses. His parents always had a pony or two.

He had no interest in the animals but he's said many times that it was impossible to not get involved in their care as there was always so much to do. And he would look after them while his parents went away or had appointments. He has also said that he felt like life revolved around the animals when he was a kid as it was his dad's passion.

This aside , it sounds like your husband doesn't prioritise you and that your relationship isn't very happy. Something to consider before moving to this new property with him.

Fair bit of negativity towards you on here OP. Your concerns are VV valid. He sounds a bit silly but I'd let him crack on with the caveat that it's his responsibility to look after them. Does he want more than one horse?

Exactly. He sounds really selfish and naive.

OP, do you actually love this man?

Id he inclined to let him go off alone with his horsey adventure. He sounds like an immature and one dimensional buffoon. It’s not wrong to have a dream but it’s not a partnership when it’s all about his dreams and you’re just playing a side character waiting on his every whim.

This is one occasion where showing your husband this thread would be a good idea. Great advice, pro's and con's and quite a balanced range of views.

Ok so he has 400k saved up, that is a huge amount. For that, he could buy something very nice and keep it at an equally fancy livery yard. Keep the horse on full livery and just enjoy the fun bits.

the fact that he’s never had a horse of his own speaks volumes about his plan! He’s obviously not been through the long, dark winters of horse ownership. It’s not fun! Not to mention the overall time and commitment (and cost) to keep them going. I haven’t had a horse in 10 yrs since my son was born (having had them all my life) and thank fuck for that! It’s too expensive and too time consuming.

I don’t think he quite realises how much work is involved in keeping horses at home. Great if you happen to be a horsemad teenager with wealthy parents or an adult with plenty of money and no family commitments. If he was an experienced horse owner who has been around the block and fully understands what is involved then it wouldn’t be such a bad idea, but your husband is a novice who has no idea what he’s about to get himself into! He also works long hours so how the hell is he going to provide adequate care? You can’t just chuck them out in a field and hope for the best. I’m also laughing at his suggestion that there are plenty of people willing to help out for a ride….hahah!! Good luck with that…..

His days will consist of: mucking out x 2 + horses. Poo picking, field/arena maintenance, all aspects of horse husbandry (exhaustive list!) oh and riding if he has any spare time! All whilst working and presumably being an involved parent.

he's trying to run before he can walk and has an idealistic view of what this is going to be like. He needs to do this in stages. Step one, buy a suitable horse and ideally he needs to take advice from somebody experienced otherwise he’ll likely end up over horsed. Step two, find a professional livery yard with good facilities and experienced staff. Step three, have horse on part livery so he can have a bit of help but also learn how much time and commitment he needs to put in. Step four, if all the above goes well, stay on the livery yard for two years and then look to buy somewhere if he’s still up for it.

my guess is that once he realises how much is involved he will reconsider and stay on a nice livery yard! I think you’re on the way to making a very expensive mistake if he goes through with this!

When I used to ride - years ago however - we sometimes would have a (pony not even a horse!) on loan. Not sure how or why - through a riding instructor prob who knew someone who needed/wanted their pony exercising & looked after while they managed another. Sometimes it was with a view to owning said pony. It would be a great way for your DH to try out his fantasy sorry new hobby & see what owning & maintaining a horse would be like. BUT I don’t know if any one would entrust their animal to a complete novice - which is really what he is if he rode as a kid & has never done so since. In fact he’s prob the last person you would entrust your animal to. The idea that there will be people locally willing to look after his horse when you go away is equally misguided. Times have changed & yes if you’re in a network of horsy people then doors get opened, but that’s brought about from years of experience & practise (at events, clubs & competing) along with a good degree of sound judgement. I think you’re right to be concerned.

Do you have dogs or any other animals & how does the upkeep towards them work out currently? I think he need to demonstrate a level of experience & knowledge of riding through individual lessons & use of a horse simulator before any purchasing of land or animals starts. He could even help out at stables/livery & get used to handling horses. They’re very different to the little ponies he may have grown up with. And he’s a real candidate for getting ripped off & sold a horse with all kind of problems or health issues which will be costly & stressful to manage.

OP already said that he seems to think some handy local villagers might want to do it for free, or more likely he subconsciously has his DW earmarked for the task.

I missed that.

Oh hahaha!

We used to pay for our daughter to horse share precisely so that she wouldn't get taken advantage of by someone like Op's husband!

There’s also another aspect here, which is him actually buying a horse.

You’ll always get unscrupulous owners and dealers, but most responsible people (and therefore generally the ones with the nicer, well trained horses) would be pretty reticent to sell a horse to someone who has never owned before, has only ridden sporadically in the last 20 years and is planning to keep the horse at home on their own land with no support system.

Not to mention the riding - he will have no riding fitness, confidence levels wane over time and there’s a big difference between a riding school horse and one that’s been privately owned. Can he ride well enough that someone will want to sell him their horse? Or to properly assess if the horse is suitable for his needs? For that reason alone he should have a series of lessons or look for a short term share agreement just to get himself back into it before buying.

Personally if he’s never owned a horse I think it would be a huge leap to go straight to a property where you can keep horses on your own land.

its slightly strange to me that he’s so committed to this that he’s saved up 400k, but hasn’t dipped his toe into horse ownership. It’s a very big commitment and a large expense, and it doesn’t sound like he has a huge amount of experience.

My advice would be to buy a horse and put it on livery - DIY livery so that is most reflective of the amount of work and responsibility that would be involved in keeping horses at home (although nowhere near as much, as at livery you don’t need to maintain the land, fences, muck heap etc).

I wouldn’t want to block his dream, but I would want to make sure he knew exactly what he was getting himself into.

Horse ownership on DIY livery is going to cost in the region of 5k a year (give or take, depending on where you are, the type of horse you have, the facilities you want etc), excluding additional costs like competing, lessons, maintaining a horsebox, vet bills and so on.

I imagine it’s considerably more costly to maintain a horse on your own land because of all the land maintenance costs.

livery also has the benefit normally that you can pay extra for services, so that if you’re on holiday or on a day out somebody else can cover care for the horse. At home you’ll need to pay for a freelance groom to cover any occasions like this which would be more expensive. You also have other people on hand who have experience and can help advise on things like first aid care or if you’re having training problems with the horse. You also normally have access to better facilities, the likes of an arena with an all weather surface and floodlights so you can ride and school the horse even when the ground is really deep and it’s dark early in the middle of winter.

It’s not unreasonable to ask him to get a horse on livery before you completely commit to a wholesale lifestyle change.

I kept my own horses on my own land. I probably spent no more than 200 a month on 3/4 of them.

Barefoot and working/ridden so much longer between proper trims. I would rasp them myself, I would use this device as well, I forget what it's called that can roll the edges, worked really well.

Mostly fed on grass, because I had access to a lot of really nice grazing, and a bit of hay in winter, which I paid low prices for as was ordering huge quantities for the farm and had storage. My old mare had hard feed due to age/breed, also used cheap beet pulp to help her maintain condition.

Off road forest hacking, empty flat field used for schooling and lunging.

Tack mostly second hand, would often ride treeless and bitless as well.

I did rug in winter (except my native ponies) but would repair them x infinity so they lasted a good long time.

I stabled occasionally so there was a bit of straw cost as and when.

A few occasional purchases like naff off and various fly sprays hoof oils shampoos and whatnot.

When my mare was PTS I had her bolted (much faster and more humane than the vet) and they come to your yard, bolt the animal and then take the body away, presumably for glue or something, for 180 pounds.

Everybody on this thread is acting like he's bringing home a panda from the zoo. And he needs to do a training course and show his commitment to the idea by borrowing somebody else's for 6 months... It's infantilising. He's saved up nearly half a million quid FFS.

And everybody here just wants to stick the boot in and force him to jump through even more hoops before he's 'allowed' to do the things he's been planning to do for 5 years. There will be things he doesn't know, sure. But even the most experienced owners encounter something they don't expect. He has Google, he can buy books on training and feed, seek advice on forums, watch videos on YouTube, he can hire a trainer if he needs. He will have regular farrier visits. He will call a vet if the horse is unwell. Those jobs exist because no owner is expected to be able to do them. Borrowing somebody else's horses may also be utterly useless as most horses need a feed, dental and farrier plan tailored exactly to the specific horses needs. There is no one size fits all. Studying equine management?! That's like saying before you have a child you need to have done a childcare apprenticeship. Utter crap lol.

If my partner told me I couldn't do something, or that I had to meet some stupid criteria before I was ''allowed', after I'd planned for 5 years and saved up I'd literally leave them over it.

That presumably is working hard there.
OP already said that he seems to think some handy local villagers might want to do it for free, or more likely he subconsciously has his DW earmarked for the task.

I am all for people living their dreams, provided it doesn’t impact on anyone else.

Here OP needs to sit him down and say that neither she nor the DCs - as I can see them being included in the rotation and OP will either have to nag or do their daily tasks- are included in any aspect of looking after this horse.

If your H was committed to this dream he’d have spent the past few years studying equine management. Going for a few riding lessons then thinking you’re qualified to own your own horse on your own land is absolute madness. He knows nothing of what’s actually involved in ‘his dream’.

I'd love to have a horse, it takes more than money to have one, you need to be able to commit to it 100%, hence I don’t. Doesn’t sound like he’s got time for one TBH.

He currently works long hours and I pick up 100% of everything else to do with the children and house.

In that case, it'd be a hard no, unless you have time and would enjoy the slog of horse keeping.
I've had horses most of my life, keeping them at home is hard work and a bind (and fantastic). He's never had a horse, he has no idea what is actually involves.

I said this on your other thread in the Tack Room, but your husband needs to hire paid help. It's not realistic to run your own yard as a novice owner whilst working full time.

I understand how your dh feels but he’s going about it in the wrong way.

Horses are complicated & expensive animals. I shared a horse for a year before buying my own to see how much money and time it took. What I learned was that you need either time or money. The amount of time I had after children dramatically reduced so my horse is on livery so more money.

I’ve spend thousands and thousands on vet bills on all 4 horses I’ve had (I’ve only got 1 but had horses for 20 years now). My last vet bill was £8,000 as he had to have an operation to repair a torn ligament which meant months of box rest and gentle walking in increments of 5 minutes every week. Even death is expensive, when my horse was pts, it cost me about £1,500 in vet bills and cremation with no insurance payout after due to the circumstances.

The cost of shoeing has increased and is now £120 every 6 weeks. He may well say to you that he just won’t shoe the horse but that depends on the horse itself, most need it. Added the cost of feed, bedding and hay (which has also dramatically increased) and it soon adds up. Then there’s the cost of tack and grooming equipment as well as the cost of a groom to come in whilst you’re away.

Whilst you won’t have the cost of livery, you’ll have to have the time. Up in the morning to feed, change rugs, turn out, muck out and then at the other end of the day, do the opposite before it’s dark.

What then happens if the horse is lonely? The horse he buys may not be happy on its own, this will bring up problems such as napping and he might not even get it out the gate. Many horses don’t like being by themselves, they’re herd animals, so another will need to be bought, unlike dogs, it really is twice the work and twice the cost.

What about transport? If he wants to go cross country, how will he get there? What about an emergency visit to the vet at 2am because the horse has colic? You’ll need a trailer at best, relying on the generosity of people is all well and good but it become tiresome having the same people asking for lifts here and there and who wants to get a call in the middle of the night to then have to hitch a trailer up?

The absolute bare minimum your husband should do is get a horse to share to learn everything and then get one on loan possibly with a view to buy. If he can’t do it all (and he should be doing it rather than you!) then he can give the horse back.

He is foolish to not get back into riding before he buys. Now I have my own horse, I don’t like riding others, but beforehand, the more different horses I rode, the better. It seems to me he’s making no effort at all to see how much work it is and learn any sort of horse management before he commits which is quite irresponsible imho. In the lead up to his move, he should share a horse a couple times a week, it’s a great way to learn the skills needed. I had no idea how to tie a haynet when I started! You get a good sharing option, you can learn an awful lot.

If I was you I would ask the following before agreeing:

1. he works out the monthly costs of feed, shoes, horse insurance, bedding etc
2. he restarts riding lessons. It’ll help him get fit enough to ride regularly.
3. he shares a horse to learn some sort of management skills.
4. he gets a horse on loan before committing to buying
5. he has a think about either getting another person to bring their horse onto your land or works out double the costs on 1) in case the horse he wants won’t be on its own. This may also work well when you go away as you can have the other person look after the horse when you’re away and vice versa.

The reality of horse owning is not the romantic galloping along a beach scenario!! It’s colic, grass management shit and dirt!!

He has saved hard but what use is the money if you don't have the time?

Presumably it's to pay someone else to look after the horses/check fences etc so that he is mostly free to ride when not working?

I can see this from both sides as an ex-horse owner. I used to use liveries but my dream is to one day have horses of my own at home.

Horses are a complete lifestyle 'pet'. There's no doubt about it they are a tie. They're expensive to keep, anything horse related is expensive to buy and they also love to hurt themselves or get colic in the middle of the night.

Having said all that, if you're a horsey person they're good for the soul. I can't put it in to words but I miss being around them so much, and I'm pretty sure it's a factor in my declining mental and physical health! Once you have a bond with a horse it's pretty amazing and I can totally understand why he yearns for that again.

He's saved hard, wow!

Edited for spelling.

all the stuff you’ve listed- exactly?! Why wouldn’t you block the move if you currently do everything, do not want to do this, and don’t trust your dh to do it.
even if he did, she says he works long hours, so he’d have to get home from work earlier etc to fit it in, and I’d sit there thinking you never bothered to do that for us, your wife and children, and now you can make the effort for your horse? You can have your fucking horse, but your family can’t live with this.

I would help him achieve his dream but only on the promise he is fully responsible and you will not get involved in any mucking out. Friends who have horses are up early every day to go and muck out. the reality is quite gruelling. Be clear you don’t want to do this and stick to it.

You are bringing bit unreasonable to block it completely but be very clear that all the horse-work will be 100% his responsibility

assuming you will be looking for a new house, make sure there is an aspect of it that you really want too

I wouldn’t ever block the move. But as a fairly new horse owner, you’re not wrong when you’re thinking it will be hard work. The way I explain it, is having a horse don’t isn’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle. I’m at the yard twice a day at least. I’m there between 20 mins and all day each visit.

Has he also taken into consideration he will have a get his horse, a horse? You shouldn’t keep them as a single, they need to be in a herd. Some horses will get so anxious alone they will become ill

not to mention having a horse at home isn’t just a case of riding and feeding them. You need to know about fencing, water, rotating paddocks, poisonous plants etc (the list goes on).

No fucking way. I’d sit down and say from here on in he would be doing 2 hours a day of housework and parenting that he doesn’t do now to demonstrate commitment. And if he wants to cancel or not do it at any point he needs to find someone else too as his horse plan needs to be independent of your time , ajd you cannot just skip a morning or a night. I would make it very clear I will dump his lazy selfish arse if he bought a horse and landed it on me, so you know you will be much better off separating now before you’ve paid stamp, paid for a horse, used the isas and moved house, and you would prefer to separate now if he can’t deliver on this since you will definitely be separating later.

he is expecting you to bend over, and take up an extra couple hours of horse care, and I’d rather file for divorce in your circs.

Word of warning for your DH:

I was horse crazy as a child, gave up for uni and work and harboured similar dreams that once I'd settled I would have my own.

Started to get back into horses and had a massive asthma attack mid lesson. Yes, I'd become allergic. Great.

Now my horse involvement is limited to petting the occasional horse while filled up with inhaler and anti histamine.

Honestly I think he is viewing it through rose tinted glasses- he never owned a horse and it was a childhood hobby so his parents did all the work and covered the expenses. And the horse owner was poo picking and mucking out.

My horse owning friend is up rain or shine at 5am to sort her horse. And then there are the months it's lame and she can't even ride it. Honestly made me feel the allergy gave me a lucky escape.

I would suggest he tries a share while doing some stable management qualifications to see if he can even make it work.